Author Archives: Rob Ellard

 

House of Commons

Wednesday 16 March 2016

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked””

Engagements

Peter Xenophobe (Wellingborough Far Right) (Con): If he will list his official engagements for Wednesday 16 March.

The Primecut Minister (Mr David Hameron): This morning, I had a pig served on a solid silver platter, played Donkey Kong on my office computer, held meetings with a secret society, and in addition to my duties in this House I shall be going to the toilet later today.

Peter Xenophobe: He will be aware that my honourable Friends selflessly serving on the board of British American Tobacco have warned that their prospects of buying more duck houses have been placed in extreme jeopardy due to the ridiculous edicts coming from Yurp. Does he not agree with me that Britain’s (and our) best interests would be served by pulling out…

Honourable members: Ha, pulling out, something your father should have done, etc. Moo! Moooo!

Mr. Speaker (sponsored by Accurist): Order! Order! The honourable Gentleman is correct will be allowed to finish his question.

Peter Xenophobe: Thank you Mr. Speaker. Does he not agree with me that Britain’s (and our) best interests would be best served by pulling out of Yurp and giving British American Tobacco five hundred million pounds?

The Primecut Minister: My honourable Friend is correct in his assumption that everything we do as a party has been brilliant and I would draw the attention of the House to this wonderful picture George drew of a poor person cleaning his polo stick.

Honourable members: Oink, oink! Bark! Meow! Mooo! Oink! Guffaw!

Mr. Speaker: Order! Order! I will have order! Mr. Jeremy Trotsky…

Honourable members: Does yo Momma dress you like that? Did you borrow that suit from Wurzel Gummage? Has Stephen Fry ever introduced you at an awards ceremony? Quack! Quack!

Jeremy Trotsky (Moscow South) (Lab): My first question comes from a Mrs. Josie GlaxoSmithKline who would like to know…

Honourable members: Agadoo do do! Push pineapple shake the tree! The taste of your lips, I’m on a ride. You’re toxic I’m slippin’ under! Arf! Arf!

Mr. Speaker: Order! You guttersnipes will not prevent the member from Moscow South from making himself heard. He will be heard or I will send you all to Miss Spanky’s Bottom Shop in Earls Court for a sound disciplining. Mr. Trotsky…

Jeremy Trotsky: Thank you Mr. Speaker and thank you to Mrs. GlaxoSmithKline – who would like to know why the government is doing everything it can to help tobacco companies sell evil electronic cigarettes that cause migraines and sow the seeds for civil unrest and not help little British pharmaceutical companies make bigger profits?

The Primecut Minister: Clearly the honourable Gentleman is unaware of the billions of pounds we gave to arms manufacturers last year. This money will trickle down to pharmaceutical companies the minute ordnance is released from two miles up, onto the North of England. It’s almost like he doesn’t want the resulting wounded and dying to receive pain relief. For shame, Mr. Speaker! For shame!

Honourable members: Ra! Ra! Ra! For he’s a jolly good fellow! My old man’s a dustman, he wears a Commie hat! Boo yar sucks!

Mr. Speaker: Order! ORDER! None of you batty-fangs will collie shangle proceedings with your nanty narking. This is a serious process that the world looks up to as a model of perfect democracy. Mr. Kenneth Cigar…

Ken Cigar (Non-executive Chairman West) (Con): Does my honourable Friend agree with me that by supporting the inferior e-cig and not the advanced vaping products we are proving that we care about equality and fairness?

The Primecut Minister: Indeed. And in reply I would like to state that the Leader of the Opposition has all the appearance of a fart in a Happy Shopper carry bag who can’t sing.

Mr. Speaker: Order. Mrs. Diane Hackney…

Diane Hackey (Pfizer East) (Lab): Hackney hackney hackney. Hackney hackney. Hackney hackney hackney hackney hackney hackney hackney. Hackney?

Honourable members: Neigh! Whiney! Yelp! Felch! Barf! Yuk yuk yuk!

Mr. Speaker: *sigh*

The Primecut Minister: Hands up everybody who likes me!

Mr. Speaker: Order! I order everyone to order in the subsidised bar.

Honourable members: Huzzah! Nosh! Nosh! Slurp! *backslap* Burp

 

 

While a section of vapers have been seeking out bigger clouds and more flavourful vapes, an insidious and dangerous product has crept into the world of sub-ohm vaping: it goes by the name of the snapback hat.

“I was trying to be a cooler vaper. I tried adding an over-sized hoodie to my vaping, and even experimented with different types of shoes but they weren’t me. Then I settled on the hat. I left the sticker on like all the hip kids and reckoned I looked the bits, but my wife has informed me I resemble a fat 15-yr old white boy who thinks he lives in Downtown LA,” confessed Twitter vape celebrity Bobby Freshwaterdolphin.

But the problem goes beyond the danger of fashion suicide. Bob Jobsworth of Crawley Trading Standards explained: “Seventeen children have been injured so far this year as peaks of snapback hats caught them in the eye. Three individuals have presented at A&E with blood blisters resulting from firm adjuster straps – who is taking responsibility for this?”

Who indeed? No one according to leading market research pollsters EUgov.con. But Jobsworth demands questions should be posed: “There are no warnings, no instructions or safety courses for these things and research shows there’s at least two hundred of them out there. This is a ticking bomb just waiting to go off.”

It can only be a matter of time before the media launch a mass of ecig/snapback stories to further tarnish the cause of harm reduction. Tales such as the serious injuries sustained by Bert Handkerchief who, while completing a run of all the pub’s white spirit optics, placed his MCV Tiger Panzer mod on the bar and ate his cap after his mates told him: “it would be a laugh.”

“Obviously, this isn’t an issue for owners of products made by the big brands, it is only a concern for those hats manufactured in China,” added Jobsworth. “Our advice for snapback hat users everywhere is to look at the label in the first instance; if there’s any indication it was made in the Far East we suggest calling you local Trading Standards officer and asking them to safely dispose of it.”

We called the Trading Standards office in Thurrock to discover if this danger was recognised elsewhere. They confirmed that an emergency response agency has been set up and all snapback-related calls would be prioritised. If you know of anybody needing urgent assistance please make sure that the hat is placed into a sealed container in the first instance prior to calling for help.

 

 

“Hey Stealthvape,” say the messages. We read them with interest even though we’d be more interested in completing online quizzes to discover which kind of plankton or Coronation Street character we are. “Hey Stealthvape, I’m really into saving the planet and things so when are you going to get with it and help me save it too?”

Now, that’s when. Of course, if you wanted to be pedantic, and we’re going to be, we’ve been saving it for a while. We’ve collected lots of grass in the garden, there are several jars of preserved air on the shelves and the recycling of unwashed socks has been taken to another level. But it has been our long-held aim to take this expertise and apply it to vape equipment.

First, we gave you wire. Then we introduced many types of wire. So it seems only appropriate that our new CFC-free wire is the first down the catwalk of celebration. How many other kanthal-type wire providers currently provide their products listed as free from chlorofluorocarbons? We’re willing to bet none. Until now. Saving the ozone layer will never have been so much fun.

It’s not just the kanthal-type products benefitting from this cleaner, greener approach to the environment. All of our wire products now come with a 100% guarantee that none of them have been factory farmed. We insist that all of our suppliers provide us with a certificate of conformity, confirming that the reels have been cosseted in beds of luxury from when they were but tiny slivers of metal and fed nothing but the juiciest natural oil

If our reels of wire were animals they would be little baby lambs, frolicking in sunny meadows, handfed from milk bottles by smiling shepherdesses and watched over by a friendly, cuddly dog.

Next up, the new range of atomiser tanks made with greenhouse effect glass. Just like real greenhouses, the glass absorbs energy and thereby reduces the need for so much of it to be supplied by the battery. This is real science in action. Less energy being required from the cell means less wasted energy hanging around bus shelters and destroying our communities.

The organic atomisers come with a range of optional extras to convert various types of energy into something useable. There is the motion-sensor attachment so you can use your own wave energy, shake your hand at the mod and the coil will preheat. Stick the windmill attachment on the side for vaping on cliff tops or near politicians. We’ve thought of everything.

And say hello to the new range of cruelty-free wicks. We have put a block on any of our cotton or silica coming to us from back street abattoirs – and have also insisted that none of it is tested on puppy dogs.

Finally, as a company known for taking the technological lead in this industry, we are putting the finishing touches to the greatest, safest and cleanest advance known to vape-kind. Our Atomic Hybrid mod will set new standards in device safety. Just imagine, only a couple of years ago nobody would have considered putting a 5kW nuclear reactor just centimetres away from their mouth. No need to thank us, it’s just what we do.

 

 

Lord Callanan is currently in discussion to find out whether it would be possible to gain support for the other motion he has tabled, where the Lords would express “regret” that the Tobacco Products Directive will limit product choice, advertising, ignore latest evidence and potentially drive vapers back to smoking.

If you want to look for someone to blame then Ash UK have to shoulder their fair share of it. Reading through the response that Labour’s shadow health minister has sent out, it is like Deborah Arnott herself wrote it. For some reason Ash, Labour and the Lib Dems do not see it as a problem that nicotine strength is being limited.

Labour’s position is encapsulated by this statement about 10ml limits: “it is important to note that the prohibition of container size to 10ml only comes into force on 20 May 2017, which allows ample time for manufacturers to make the better quality e-liquids available within the legal size limit.” As if the size of a container has anything to do with eliquid quality?

Stealthvape Towers is now a collection of sad pandas, sat around in their pants looking distinctly grumpy.

It is inevitable that we will receive messages asking us how we suggest responding to this situation. We believe that the case for adopting a common sense approach to harm reduction and vaping has to continue to be presented to politicians. As they campaign for the referendum, an ideal opportunity presents itself to collar them and bend their ears.

Regarding the vote: We are making no suggestions as to which way you should vote in the referendum. We believe it is a personal decision and many factors may influence how you do it.

Moving forward, we will continue to press upon our local elected officials the case for a better way of dealing with vaping products.

 

 

Social media can be a tool for good. The platforms available to us enable the fast transference of information and allow interactions with all manner of people. We are connected with and chat to powerful people. For example, we are now online friends with the Queen, Donald Trump, Putin, ISIS and Kim Jong-Un – which pretty much places the future of the world in our hands.

You can say what you like about Kim Jong-Un but he has never clogged up a timeline with details about his new personal best. Not once has he posted details of his latest run, pictures of him running and told everybody he’s never met how he is really in need of a hot bath to get rid of the post-run aches.

Kim Jong-Un might have created Pyongyang Time. He might be responsible for making all males in North Korea adopt his hairstyle and only have 3% of the roads paved – but he’s never inflicted his exercise hobby on anybody reading his Facebook profile.

So, we feel it is time for an entrepreneur to give vapers the same joy as those who ride about in yellow lycra. Of course, it is possible that vapers could don spandex outfits prior to competition vaping but this loses all meaning if nobody sees it – a bit like having a television show on Amazon Prime.

What we need is the vaping equivalent of Nike’s switched-on shoes so that vapers can amble about drawing highly inventive maps on Google Earth. What we need is something like Smok’s puff counter talking to Facebook on a second by second basis. Tell us all how many calories you lost this morning will you? Right, it’s war. Here’s how many drags I’ve taken this week and it’s going to be incrementally adjusted in real-time.

Nike build their brand loyalty on people buying their apps and products, but then using the app to draw people into tournaments and events like night runs. Vaping can do the same thing with midnight vapes to take the community up a level.

Of course this could have ramifications: once Martin McKee’s anti-vape squads start kicking in doors (because people have broken the Stop Safer Use of Nicotine Act 2019) then having an app that details your exact location could be problematic. But it would also track the speed at which you are running away from them, posting it onto your timeline and getting your freaky exercise friends interested in ecigs for the first time.

On second thoughts, maybe this kind of thing should be kept to places like North Korea, we’ll tweet Kim about it.

 

 

Did you even bother asking for non-vape stuff this year? Have you decorated you tree with hanging mech mods? Who needs fake snow when you can have a vape whiteout going on in the house.

 

Are you coiling up your attys for the day?

Have you posted pics of clouds along the way?

Are you lining up your juices?

With faves from left to right?

Will you stay asleep or lay awake all night?

 

So here it is, Merry Vapemass

Everybody’s got new mods

Can’t see the Xmas tree

We’re now all vaping go-o-ods

 

Did you make your spouse watch all the videos?

Did you point out which combinations really go?

Have you charged up all your LiPos?

Have you cleaned out all your wicks?

Are you ready with some Vapemass Day cloud tricks?

 

So here it is, Merry Vapemass

Everybody’s got new mods

Can’t see the Xmas tree

We’re now all vaping go-o-ods

 

Do want something with over 80 watts?

Some e-liquid to vape while drinking shots?

Did you ask for a new charger?

Or maybe go old school?

An old Pinoy mech mod would be so cool.

 

So here it is, Merry Vapemass

Everybody’s got new mods

Can’t see the Xmas tree

We’re now all vaping go-o-ods

 

 

“But it’s just a show about walking,” Joan said. “Walking slowly at that. How the heck can you watch this rubbish?” This from a woman who could only burn oven chips and yet sits through each and every celebrity chef show. Her ability to see Dave through bouts of severe manful hadn’t been improved by sitting transfixed by Casualty either.

“It’s a demonstration,” Dave replied while sending the empty tin flying off a wall and missing the bin by a good foot. “They’re demonstrating about not liking something or other and how they want other people not to like it either. Look, they’ve got signs about cheese – it must be something to do with cheese or all dairy products or shops.”

“Seems bloody stupid to me. I didn’t like it when they told me to stop vaping in the library but I didn’t bloody walk anywhere.” Joan was correct; she’d carried on vaping until she was encouraged to leave by to police specials. “Hang on, does this walking and demonstrating thing work then?”

And so an idea was born.

Dave and Joan set to work on making the very best placards a felt tip pen and an old shoebox could manage. Well, if they’d thought of something to write but the cider had a soporific effect their collective brain. When the result was discovered on the kitchen table in the morning they both wondered why they’d spent a night collecting swear words.

Agreeing that the placards were probably a stupid idea, the couple decided just to shout a lot and walk with purpose. “Boo,” they bellowed. “Boo and shame,” they barked at No.10. Now obviously, living in Stoke, London was quite a distance and cost more than a breakfast pint in The Spitbucket Arms. Joan and Dave didn’t bother with London so No.10 The Laurels had to do.

“I’m not sure this is working,” Joan said in that way that makes a statement sound like a question. “Mrs Owens looks confused.”

“Twitter,” said Dave. “We’ll use Twitter to ram our message home. They’ll take notice of that because it’s what all the protestors do.” But then they weren’t sure how to use Twitter or whom they should send their message to. And they were more than a little bit unclear as to what their message was.

The plan evolved. A sit down protest in KFC seemed the best way forward because it was near the library and almost lunchtime. A sit down protest with chicken burgers and gravy. Have that in your face fascist politicians. Or not, most of it was being shovelled into Joan’s at a rate of knots. Vape protests may be going out of fashion in the rest of the country but this one lit a fire in the hearts of the couple. “Next time, how about we try one of them naked protests?”

 

 

First there was gin. Then there was opium. Then there was opium and gin. Society ravaged by things bent on ripping it asunder. Then there were collectible series of magazines for your children, which start off at 99p but need an application to Loans4U for the next issue. Addiction combined with a desire to collect is powerful; it enslaves those in its grip. Now there is vape.

Take Norma. She has been bulk buying nicotine base for the last 19 months. Her children have been eating pictures of fish fingers for the last three weeks while the food cupboards are rammed with containers – there was no space left in the freezer or the spare freezer. Norma needs your help.

And don’t forget about Rimesh. The poor lad has been buying every mod released since 2010. Such is the drain on the family’s income his wife hasn’t been able to get a new pair of shoes since last summer – she’s had to make do with the forty-two pairs in the wardrobe. It’s not just the money either. Through tripping over boxes or being hit on the head by falling 18650 devices, Rimesh has been to casualty so often he has his own bed. Rimesh is crying out for something to be done.

Norma and Rimesh are not alone, there’s thousands of vapers who have been bitten by the collecting bug and it’s driven them to a life of misery. At some point their lives are going to come tumbling down like a badly stacked pile of atomisers. The money will dry up and then the chaos will start.

The concept of the ‘poor house’ went into decline shortly after Dickens penned Little Dorrit or something. We don’t know because we didn’t bother to check…but there’s none of them now and that’s for sure. So, for this reason we are asking for your assistance.

We vapers are a band of brothers and sisters – except those who are married because being brothers and sisters because that would make it all a bit weird. Better make that a happy family instead. Anyway, the point is that we’re very good for looking out for one another and so Stealthvape is going to set up the Stealthvape Home for Vapers. It will be a place for everyone forced into penury, sanctuary for all of the vape destitutes.

We intend to provide a place to live, food to eat and 30ml of eliquid a week to those who have fallen on hard times because of their vaping. But there’s more: we will be giving our residents skills for life. There’s no point helping people back onto their feet if they simply go back to their old lives. We will be delivering a variety of classes such as creating toys for children with resistance wire and designing fashions from wick material. It will give them a sense of purpose and wellbeing once again.

So how can you help? Obviously, the easiest way would be for you to post us sacks of money. In fact that’s probably the only way. Just remember, this isn’t a scam – it’s all about helping the Normas and Rimeshes. “Give, us your (chuffing) money!”

 

 

Picture the scene: you are sitting on a bench at the seaside. The sun is making you feel good, good enough to ignore the tedious noise from the seagulls. You take the mod from your pocket, press the button and inhale. How could anything be more perfect? Well, obviously a beer might help. And maybe someone is sitting by your side that loves you more than looking at the screen of their smartphone. Yep, perfect.

Wrong.

It would be perfect if both people were celebrities. You are not a celebrity and you’ve not been in a film – at least not one we’ve watched. Now imagine that the man is Leonardo Di Caprio, enjoying the Blackpool vista and soaking in sounds of stag and hen parties drunkenly stumbling past. And consider the sitting next to Leo is that woman from Enchanted who combines beauty with the ability to make vermin do the entire household chores. And maybe those idiots from Geordie Shore are the stag and hen party. Impeccable. This is how the Stealthvape vape movie about vaping begins – with celebrities in love and minor celebrities having a loud fight that offends bystanders.

Now it may be the case that we haven’t written the screenplay, and it may be the case that we have to relocate from Blackpool to a far-flung tropical island, but any story arc that begins and ends in a vape cloud is going to sweep the floor at the next Academy Awards ceremony.

Let’s see Stanton Glantz complain about famous people normalising smoking then. Let’s see him attack the stars of the Stealthvape movie when the world has fallen in love with them for that scene where halfway through the car chase it diverts through a zoo. A zoo full of celebrity animals. That cross-eyed lion from Daktari, he’ll be there. And the talking horse. And Skippy, Lassie, Scooby Doo and Flipper. And they’ll all be vaping because they’re cool.

Does your pet dog vape, Stanton? Has he heard about the cast of Happy Feet toking away and though “Oh boy, I want to be cool like them and it looks so normal and everything”? Of course he hasn’t because vaping doesn’t work like that. You fool, Stanton. Vaping celebrity animals do not normalise smoking either.

There’ll be space ships, motorbikes, superheroes, a love interest, someone destroying the Death Star and a character who has cracking one-liners. It will all take place against a story of a simple man who spends his days posting on an online forum and sharing pictures of cats on Twitter. Vape – The Movie will be the greatest thing you see in whatever year it’s released. Of course, all characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

 

We looked at the best of the best. We looked at Vape Jam, Vape Expo, Vapefest, Vapetuna, World of Vape, Vape Supermarket and Creamfields (now with added vape) before pulling together the best of each and then adding more. What did we end up with? Stealthvapeonburyexpotacular! In almost the same words used by the not-quite-dead-yet Pythons: it’s a barrel load vape, vape, vape, fun, vape, excitement, vape, vape, laughs, vape, vape, vape, thrills, vape and vape. How much more vape can you get into a single event? We asked Spinal Tap’s Nigel Tufnel and he said: “None more. None more vape.”

Oh sure, there may be queues to get in but that just means you made the correct choice and came to the best event – why else would all these other people be queuing up? It certainly isn’t because we only employed our mate Clive to run the door and he suffers from narcolepsy. No. It’s because (even though we’ve never spoken about this before) thousands of people have already signed up to attend on the website we haven’t made yet.

Unfortunately everybody can’t attend. We’d like you all to come but the class-leading expo centre we selected is under the heel of those Health and Safety fascists who blight our collective lives on a daily basis. The village hall at Broughton Poggs has previously hosted a talk on stamp collecting to the Sunday school…and the WI ran a hugely successful seminar on raffia work that attracted attendees from as far away as Southrop and Little Barrington.

What’s on offer? What isn’t on offer more like! We know that the vape scene is now very ‘scene’ with all you hiphopsters and beardymen so we’ve contracted the very best musical acts to entertain you: marvel at the giant sounds of Little David, Jerry Wallace will play every single one of his big hits and nobody plays a mean polka like Whoopee John.

Joan from the corner shop will be running the raffle and the prize list is already frightening. It’s set to grow further – but you could be walking home with a free bag of vape exhaled from the very mouth of YouTube’s Barry Reviews Some Cheap Free Eliquids. As you know, Barry loves every eliquid he hasn’t paid for, so whatever flavour it is the bag will be an enjoyable experience and one you’d struggle to put a price on. Other prizes include a photo of a man in a hat doing some vape tricks in his bedroom and a starter kit that our local shop couldn’t sell.

Accommodation will be available for everybody planning on making a full weekend of it. The pub’s popped up six camp beds in their two bedrooms and the farmer has promised not to drive a plough over any tents in the lower field. Obviously, if you choose to camp in the upper field you agree to wave all rights to personal safety.

Come along to Stealthvapeonburyexpotacular. Meet new friends, enjoy the miserable weather together and then get out – we don’t like strangers round these parts once we have your money.

*No food or drinks or vaping equipment can be brought into the venue. If you need to eat, drink or vape then Colin and Sharon can attend you from their well-stocked and almost reasonably priced trestle table.