Author Archives: Rob Ellard

Dear Rt Hon Jeremy Hunt MP Secretary of State for Health,

Although we have not met or exchanged tips for finding Pokemons in town centres, I am sure we are going to become really good friends. I’ve heard that you’re super into politics and stuff – us too. Mainly ‘the stuff’ bit though tbh. Anyway, we are writing about something that the old Secretary of State didn’t understand very well, but we are sure you will love: vaping. What’s vaping? Hold on there, tiger, let’s cover something else first.

You know when you’d get a new girlfriend and you really wanted to impress her, but then you’d forget to sort something out as the life of a man is full of busy? So you’d pop by a graveyard or nearby petrol station and lift a bunch of flowers? And she’d be all, “Oh wow, Jeremy – these are super awesome”? Well think of vaping as a bunch of flowers.

By now your office staff chums will have made you aware of how big a sad sack that old Jeremy Hunt was, nowhere near as smashing as you. Trust us, he was even worse than they’re saying. He was like the PM’s ex-boyfriend. You are the new beau. Old Jeremy delivered nothing but heartache and probably never gave the old PM a neck rub. Teresa is waiting on flowers, lover-boy. She needs to be wooed and wowed.

This is the moment for you to flop out a bouquet of vape into her lap.

Just like the purloined plumes, the gift of vape you’ll be giving is entirely free. You see it’s quite simple, vaping will cost the government absolutely nothing – all you need to do is forget about that daft Article 20 of the Tobacco Products Directive because we aren’t going to be part of the EU. All the other women and men in suits are going to be busy with other things and won’t even notice. Just take the paperwork and leave it out with the empty departmental milk bottles.

All of a sudden, by doing nothing and spending no money, vaping equipment with continue to design in improvements and smoking rates will plummet. In turn, Britain gets healthier and happier – and happy vapers will spend more money on whatever it is that you party sell. As we said, we really get politics.

So many benefits from something that is 95% safer than smoking, Teresa may melt in your arms. What we reckon is that we should get together and sort this out over a jug of Sangria in Hooters. Next Thursday afternoon good for you?

Your new best mates, Stealthvape.

We could begin with the simple targets. It goes without saying that traffic wardens, tax inspectors, investment bankers and politicians could rescue kittens from burning buildings and still stand by the smouldering door being pelted with an assortment of rotten fruit and insults. But still, a poster campaign might work – this is post-TPD legal. An image of our four hate figures could be set against a slogan of “Maybe they’d be better people if they vaped?”

This doesn’t work too well if we are trying to convince parking officials, tax inspectors, investment bankers and politicians that vapers are awesome but do we care for their respect? It is also possible that some of our customers are currently traffic wardens, tax inspectors, investment bankers or politicians. This isn’t an attack on you; you are vapers first and annoying occupation second.

But there are others.

Monday morning always brings a slew of hilarious “Oh joy is me, it’s work again” jpg files on social media. With all the humour of a Garfield cartoon or a trip to the piles doctor, we all know it’s Monday. We’re currently reading your update because, like you, none of us want to be in work and we were trying to forget about being here for ten minutes. Thanks. Reality just came crashing through the screen.

It’s tricky to include these folks in a pro-vaping campaign and, some might say, they are very lucky to have a job. I was once employed by a large fast food chain to clear excrement and urine from the toilet floor. It’s not going to be easy to use the multitude of shortsighted or poor-aiming burger eaters either; I imagine very few of us have suffered them.

How about unsolicited door knockers? After guffawing at a Monday image on Facebook our door went and there stood a builder touting solutions to an invisible problem, full of promise of combining high cost with low quality. Then came a young woman attempting to interest me in replacing my 2yr-old UPVC double-glazing with brand new UPVC double-glazing. Then someone wanted the clothes off my back to help a helicopter or children or Bono, I lost interest quickly. Knockers on doors would be brilliant at deflecting some of the animosity aimed at vaping.

But if we are thinking about cold calls: what about telemarketers? Why did an Internet service provider call me while I was still in bed? Why were they trying to sell me some of their honest-to-goodness Yorkshire broadbands before I’d had a coffee? And how did they achieve that when I’m meant to be X-directory?

Maybe we should skip the posters and concentrate on the personal. Each time someone voices dissatisfaction with vaping simply say to them: “Aha, but at least I don’t work for BT Customer Service”. This approach even applies to those who actually work for BT Customer Service; they’re already good at fibbing.

It wasn’t easy being Gavin. For starters he would rather be fishing and on permanent gardening leave, and then he really didn’t like people either. Not the best qualifications for a customer-facing enterprise. That said, after he’d waved goodbye to the machine shop he’d made a proper fist of it. Jayne was proud. Lads like it when their Mums are proud.

From a small market stall selling CE4s and juice that could strip walls, the pair of them had built up a respectable business with long hours and skipped meals. They’d seen the pioneers, the hobbyists and the curious. From a range that could be held in a hand they now presented expensive rack upon rack of devices for all tastes. Likewise, the budget juices had been augmented with all manner of fancy bottled and labelled selection from home and abroad.

Gavin had learnt how to employ people. First of all he employed his mates who vaped his stock, then he took on some young people who preferred to stay in bed or borrow from the till before he settled upon the lovely cross-section who now run the store while he does battle with tax returns and insurance quotes. And still has to skip meals.

It’d been a journey not unlike currently trying to get from Dover to France: frustration and annoyance tempered with the knowledge that this was all a learning experience. The destination would make it worthwhile.

And then there was the satisfaction that came from what the whole thing was all about. Some businesses make their money from ripping off the NHS for medicines, others manufacture the deaths of innocent people – Jayne and Gavin sold a healthier alternative to smoking and helped people quit. They gave advice to the young and old, the fit and the informed. The pair of them slept well at night because lives were being saved, staff had money in their pockets and someone at HMRC was rolling around on a fat wad of their cash.

What never ceased to amaze Gavin was the public. There was something special about the loyalty they displayed to his shop. They’d drop in for juice, a new treat, but mainly just for a chat. And they’d be unpaid sales assistants, always willing to give advice to those coming in looking to make the switch. Always chipper, always enthusiastic about vaping.

The new law looks set to change things for small vape business owners over the next twelve months. Challenges being presented are set to be a barrier too high for many. Jayne had noted announcements on a forum with sadness, of juice makers and stores closing up. “Maybe things will be OK,” she’d tell her lad. “We’re vapers – we don’t just quit unless it’s the smokes.”

There are hundreds of Gavin and Jaynes across the country. Vape manufacturers and retailers of Britain, we salute you.

Just over a week ago, in the House of Lords, Tory Viscount Ridley sprung a debate on his fellow peers and there was almost universal cross-parrty condemnation of Article 20 of the TPD. Following on from this this, at the eleventh hour, vapers and vape companies had been thrown a lifeline. Tory Lord Callanan has tabled a motion demanding that Article 20 “be annulled on the grounds that its restrictions on product choice and advertising of vaping devices were devised before evidence had accumulated that vaping was enabling many people to quit smoking, run counter to advice from the Royal College of Physicians to promote vaping and are so severe that they could force vapers back to smoking and create a black market with harmful products.”

We believe that responsible self-regulation in the vape market has helped small businesses like ours to grow, and while we acknowledge some regulation is necessary Article 20 is not it. It is our opinion that reputable small companies are facing a grim future, jobs will be lost, tobacco & pharmaceutical companies are being given free reign and vapers are having their choices limited for reasons not based in logic or sound science.

We fully support the petition that has been created on Change.org in order to demonstrate the strength of feeling within the vape community that welcomes the Conservative peer’s call for Article 20 to be rescinded.

We strongly encourage our customers to support this petition (that gained over 20,000 signatures in the first 12 hours). Yes, we all have a bit of petition fatigue but given the mood of the House of Lords this one really does have some traction. This petition doesn’t need to be signed by vapers – friends and family can lend their names. Or maybe you know someone who would just like to upset David Cameron? Or someone who would like to stick it to Europe? Every name will help to sway wavering peers.

Some vapers are choosing to share it on social media using the hashtag #LordsVapeVote, which is good for raising awareness but ageing members of the upper house aren’t known for their grasp of modern technology. Harm reduction expert Gerry Stimson has suggested writing directly to individual Lords using the TheyWorkForYou website.

Please join us in this huge, coordinated push to overturn an unjust, ill-considered and impractical law. Support common sense and join us in signing the petition 🙂

https://www.change.org/p/david-cameron-mp-support-parliamentary-moves-to-block-crazy-e-cigarette-regulations

Drakeford was strongly against ecigs being used to prop open the many gates in Wales. So convinced was he that this was a potential problem he kept harping on about this gateway effect all the time…this was when he wasn’t talking about Norma Lisation. We remain unclear who this Norma is.

Is it possible Ms Lisation owns many of the gateways? Or maybe she is the person who told Drakeford about children finding mods wedged into gateposts? In all honesty we totally lost whatever point Drakers was trying to make but the above is probably along the right lines.

Anyway, without him, what can the Senedd focus on now that they’ve said further attempts to regulate vaping is off the agenda? We have a couple of ideas.

Nobody uses indicators these days so this ought to be an open goal. Ban indicators on cars and replace them with cuddly Charlotte Church dolls. Not only would it be awesome to have Charlotte Churches everywhere you looked, but it would make the corners of cars squidgy enough to absorb the impact of any children running out from a field clutching a mod they’d just found.

And if promoting vape is prohibited on the internets then what about cats? Cat pictures on social media encourage owners to get one only for them to release it into the wild every night, where it defecates in other people’s garden and fights on their fence. Plus, and this isn’t mentioned often enough, owning a kitty is clearly one of these gateways things. Next month the person will be buying a panther. This has to be the second thing requiring urgent attention.

Finally, beards.

Yes, we realise that this is a very contentious issue but Noel Edmunds, Dave Lee Travis and Russell Brand were never meant to be role models. While it is inevitable that young boys will experiment with facial hair most of them do not develop a lifelong addiction and go on to live fulfilling and healthy lives. The only reason Drakeford didn’t act when he had the chance was because many influential colleagues were beard users themselves – but the harm has been well documented.

Children as young as very small have been left with beard rashes or a smearing of last week’s fry up following an affectionate peck. Plus, the link to international terrorism can’t be overlooked either.

So come on Welsh Labour politicians, show us that you care as passionately about the issues that really matter as well as the ones you just make up in your heads.

It could get really, well, you know, dull. Once you’ve built a fort out of used fifty pound notes during your working hours there’s precious little else to hold your attention. Except building a bigger fort. The staff of BDI lived with the knowledge that their foreign holidays were courtesy of the painful suffering of smokers but it had all gone stale as sales waned.

Once upon a time they would all go to see cars drive around in circles, to see which car was the best at going round in circles that week. The cars were sexy. Black and gold, red and white – sexy, sexy cars surrounded by sexy men and women. Death was incredibly sexy.

But that was in the past when real blokes sported fantastic sideburns. The present was all about plain green packets and an inability to tell anybody about how their cancer canes tasted so much better than the ones made by American Tar Baccy Ltd. No one went into the Marketing Department these days; it was like asking someone how they were feeling only for them to actually tell you.

Aneka dropped a pack of fivers on the floor as Rashid’s pen slipped and made it look like all cease and desist letters had been victims of their own advice. What in the 9 circles of Hell was that infernal din? It sounded like salsa. It was. It was the same noise that comes from a village hall full of overweight middle-aged women trying to slim the fun way.

Pushing the marketing door ajar and avoiding the falling cobwebs, Sven exclaimed: “What the hell are you doing? Stop it. Stop it now.”

As the music pounded, Oliver rubbed himself against the office curtains. This would have constituted abnormal behaviour at the best of times, but seeing as Oliver was naked bar a liberal covering of NowthatsprobablynotbbutterbutIreallycanttell it verged on the obscene.

“I’m celebrating,” explained the naked self-emulsified entity busy frotting against every item of office furniture.

The office staff were fully aware that there was always the potential for something like this to happen given that Oliver previously worked for Tory Central Office. “It’s the Tobacco Products Directive – we’ve won! Happy days are here again!” Oh happy days. Oliver left Rashid’s shirt translucent following an exuberant hug.

“We’ve bloody won! They’ve given us the entire vape market. In-store displays at point of sale, instruction videos with glamorous presenters – we can do the bloody lot and only we can afford the ridiculous documentation process. I have a purpose in life once more!”

Then Oliver’s eyes fell on a copy of the Daily Mirror: “45,684 supporters have signed a petition supporting the Lord’s motion”.

“Oh shit,” Oliver whimpered. The music died immediately after the marketing office door click shut. Akeka picked up the £5 notes and threw them in the bin. It wasn’t quite a normal day in the offices of British Deathsticks Incorporated.

Please sign the petition.

#LordsVapeVote

It was the day after the Euro referendum and Bob was happy/sad because the result was/wasn’t the way he’d wanted it to go. Typically, the weather outside was sunny/pouring down and his street was peaceful/swarming with rioters. Finally, he thought to himself, we can make plans for the future/go to Hell in a handcart.

Betty, his gorgeous/hideous wife, floated/crashed into the lounge promising him sexual favours/a life of ice lasting until his death. “Bob, I’ve told you before about leaving all of your vape gear over the table. You know damn well how much this excites me/makes me want to go live with my mother.” Bob raised his eyes to the ceiling; he (like all husbands) hated being treated as a hot sex object/second-rate and henpecked mother substitute.

At times like these he always opted to vape with a tank/dripper in order to convey the level of his delight/irritation to rival the time he met Michael McIntyre in Primark. But then he’d always found McIntyre’s face to be very slappable/ overpoweringly slappable.

“You know, the best thing about this referendum has been the calmed and measured debate/insane summoning of the forces of the dead befitting an Evil Dead sequel. In many ways it reminds me of the fantastic/woeful to and fro about vaping in the medical community.”

Betty wasn’t listening; she was far too preoccupied with slipping in to something comfier/packing her bags and dropping his comics (sorry, “graphic novels”) out of their protective sleeves. It’s fair to say that Betty had issues/had ruined his issues. Bob wasn’t wrong, and yet he was. For sure the debate surrounding ecigs has been polarised and contains more than its fair share of ridiculous statements being spouted by cartoonlike public health “experts”… but at least there was a side to pick with nothing but sensible commentators. And it was possible to escape from all of the vape politics if you wanted to.

With Betty draping herself over his shoulders/stomping down the path (through the people carrying flaming torches), Bob reflected on how different vapelife would be after this result. He’d decided a while ago that the TPD wasn’t going to be the main item to dictate his voting intention; there were other things he cared about, because, as far as vaping goes the outcome unfortunately won’t change a thing.

Bob blew a cloud and the world continued to turn. This is the only future that mattered.

“Sexy? How do we make this thing sexy? Hang on, why does vaping even need to be sexy, you mad fool?”

Good questions.

Right from the outset, it was obvious that the anti-vaping lobby were worried about sexy advertising. Remember the ab-dabs they had after that advert appeared on television? That one where the woman was talking about doing something incredibly dirty but they pretended it was about vaping? That one The Telegraph described as “sexy as watching someone gutting fish”? Yea, that one. Blimey they hate sexy more than most people hate having to answer the door, when they were on the toilet, only to find it’s people wanting to explain the delights Heaven can offer. They really hate sexy.

It’s because sexy offers a promise of a life only granted to the rich and famous. Well, Fat Dylan claims to be part of life too but it’s common knowledge he lives with his Mum and has never seen Game Of Thrones. There’s no way someone who hasn’t seen GoT leads a sexy life.

And the thing is this; smokers aren’t going to know about the different life they could lead without sexy vape ads. They aren’t going to hanker for a strawberry eliquid if they’ve never seen one, if they haven’t looked on in wonder and wanted to be that person. Or with that person.

So it’s us – we are the sexy advert. Everywhere we go, everything we do, we’ve got to exude the very essence of sexy. Now, for you and me it’s going to be pretty easy. We are sexy beasts. For Fat Dylan it’s going to be a struggle given that he still has half a Full English sitting in his beard from last Friday.

Step 1: Doing the McCririck. It’s all about clothes and style. In order to appear sexy you just look at a picture of John McCririck and not wear anything that John McCririck would wear. Instantly sexy. Well, sexier than John McCririck – and that’s definitely sexier than Fat Dylan.

Step 2: Doing the Ryan. Whenever, wherever, you are vaping just recall the Meg Ryan scene from When Harry Met Sally. Inhale, run your fingers through your hair, lean back, exhale and moan. Try to make it more ‘French foreign film’ moan, as Brits tend to only do the ‘ten things I hate about my life today’ moan. If you don’t have any hair then just improvise. Spaghetti, wool, anything that comes to hand that you could superglue on and flick.

Instantly, people are going to look at you and want to be a part of your life. They will want to be you, with you, on you like fungus and living inside your skin like a cutaneous larva.

Can you imagine this? Two and a half million sexy vapers strutting around being idolised? The future is ours. The future is sexy vaping.

News that we are going to launch the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon will come as no surprise to vapers who keep abreast of our ground-breaking activities. As much as the general public get aroused over other people throwing things or hitting balls with sticks, we are convinced that Sky and the BBC will be fighting between themselves to nail a contract to screen our event. Vapers are the public’s darlings.

It is almost certain that this will be a global happening – but what will it involve?

We are going to take the world’s favourite sporting events and tweak them with a vaping edge. Many people believe that an activity such as synchronised swimming would be vastly improved with the addition of lions and sharks in the pool. While we might agree, it is not easy to find lions or sharks in Basingstoke – the new home of the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon. Instead, we plan on getting a thousand vapers to cloud the top of the pool rendering anything taking place totally unseen.

We’re betting you’ll agree that motorbikes jumping through flaming hoops are fantastic. So fantastic it’s incredible one has not been shown on television since 1972. True fact. And what about motorbikes racing on ice with spikes in their tyres? They’ve never been shown on television leading some to believe they’re a Biblical myth. Another true fact.

Worry no more: we’ll be mounting flaming hoops in the fog bank above the swimming pool. Ice tyres will spin, engines will roar and each rider will make the jump while fixing a leak in their Kayfun 4. It will be a thrilling heart-in-mouth spectacle as the synchronised swimmers will still be in the pool.

With the vape cloud replaced and any signs of carnage cleaned up, it’s time for the high dive competition. Prior to our bold moves, the most exciting thing about high diving was Tom Daley – and that was voted as being as exciting as waiting for someone to get ready for a night out by readers of Cosmopolitan Magazine. Yet a further true fact.

Leaping from the top of Basingstoke’s Skyline Plaza, divers will plummet the 18 floors while performing tumbles, tucks and filling the reasonably priced Sapor RTAs provided by the amazing folks at Vape Geek UK. As we can’t abide product placement, competitors will have to do it nude to avoid swimwear promotion. Hopefully someone will have remembered to fill the pool after clearing out the bodies and motorcycle parts.

Clearly, this will have wetted you appetite and you are yearning for more information. Once we have tied up the broadcasting contract and paid off the remaining Basingstoke councillors we’ll publish further details, until then set aside the first ten days in October 2019 for the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon.

In my head I’m picturing the tall bad guy and his bowler-hatted henchman in The Man With the Golden Gun: sun, sea, sand and Britt Ekland as Mary Goodnight. I’m pretty happy to bet Love Island isn’t all about lasers and world domination as the ultimate goal, but not enough to go to a bookies.

Learning new stuff, discovering things, is the preserve of the young and foolhardy. They can take risks. They can, if so inclined, watch Big Brother to discover how Gary Dafthair reacts to what Gloria Pagethree-Model did in the house pond. I can’t do that now because the bulk of my allotted years are behind me and I feel the pressing surge of mortality. Not only might I forget things if I learn new stuff but I run the risk it could be essential to me living a few weeks longer.

And so I rely on the ability to make snapshot judgements from morsels of opinion. If there’s a point of view given by a person I respect then I go with it. Film decisions are always made with deference to Mark Kermode‘s reviews. Even better, if someone I have little respect for expresses a liking for something then I’ll avoid it like the plague, which has meant I’ve never eaten Nandos, never watched Titanic and never heard a single song sung by Adele or Taylor Swift.

‘Oh but that’s just ignorant,’ they might say. And they are probably correct. Such is my level of ignorance it could well be that I’ve never watched Nandos, heard Titanic or eaten Taylor Swift. I simply don’t know – Taylor Swift could be a rugged builder or a new kind of coffee. But whatever it is they all do or are I’ve not done it. Just like I’ve never watched Love Island.

The thing is, if I wanted to know more about Love Island or Bruno Mars I could switch on the TV or Google. I reckon there are websites and news stories and video files by the bucket load. If I waded through them all I could become the world’s foremost authority on all things Selena Gomez. If I wanted.

And that’s what irks me about the restrictions being imposed by the Tobacco Products Directive. Once I’d delved into the plethora of bytes dedicated to Twilight I’d be able to decide for myself that, on balance, it was an awesome series of films (as my daughter seems to think). Or not. Almost probably definitely not. But if I’m a smoker then the only thing on offer to me now are things like Daily Mail stories, shared on social media, telling me how ecigs contain “toxic substances such as embalming fluid and weed killer.”

There’s one thing condemning people to ignorance of something 95% safer than smoking, it’s another thing entirely when the bulk of permissible coverage is nothing but an outright lie. Right, time to find out what this whole Big Brother thing is…I hear someone did something incredible.