Advice for Antivape Activists

Firstly, if you want to begin to knock vaping then start off by pointing out that smokers are still smoking even if they’re using an electronic cigarette. Yes, this isn’t true (in the sense that it’s totally factually incorrect), but you are guaranteed to have annoyed the vaper sufficiently that they will now be actively and animatedly engaging with you. It might be a touch more shouty than normal conversation levels, but this is really good if you’re hard of hearing.

Now, providing pushing hasn’t begun, tell the vaper all about flavours. All they need to know is that flavours are wrong. They are wrong because it simply makes people enjoy vaping. We all know that important things aren’t pleasurable: making an insurance claim, moving home, voting and open-heart surgery are all known to be exceptionally tedious or disconcerting. Nothing is more important to your bowels than a good portion of roughage a day. Is roughage tasty and full of flavour? No. Yet everybody loves ice cream and candyfloss. So, there, proof that making eliquid full of flavour is bad and therefore someone should make a law that compels all juice makers to only produce from a prescribed list. The list should only include the following flavours: cabbage, lettuce, rice, sawdust and earwax.

By this point, most vapers will be sagely nodding in agreement with you. You’ve made good points, you argued them well, and you’ve won them over to the side of common sense. But there will always be one

You will need to elevate your voice so that they can hear, bellow: “I like to think about children!” The point being that the red-faced ignoramus opposite you never thinks about children because he or she is always too busy sucking on a metal rod. The fools. You, on the other hand, know that thinking about children all day makes you a compassionate and caring person.

Tell the vaper that children might pick up their vape stick and become addicted to it. Maybe they think it’s cool? Maybe they think it makes them look grown-up like the trendy people they’ve seen on the Internet? Maybe they see themselves as becoming a trendsetter like David Dorn or hip and happening like those folks in ECITA? How cool are they going to appear when the vaping stick explodes or they go through the vape gateway to drugs?

You will now be asking yourself: “How do I know all these vaper people will listen to me?” The answer is simple and true, because vapers are always open to new evidence and are actively interested in helping to develop the products and the direction of the market. Vapers, vape companies and vape manufacturers have been listening to each other and experts for years – so they are bound to give you a warm welcome wherever you see a number of them gathering.

Good luck with convincing vapers they are doing everything wrong, the world needs more people like you.