21st Century Misery Solved

Currently, 73% of the United Kingdom is currently engaged in filling in paperwork so that your bosses can calculate precisely how much better you are performing now that at the same time last week. We are all being poured into tables and charts to highlight who is the worst – and who is the best at filling in (and telling lies on) forms.

Thanks to annual performance reviews and ridiculously high management targets, we are all working at 13,452% the rate of the average person in 1986. Productivity has never been higher; we are all richer and happier than ever.

Unless you try to catch a train. People who try to catch a train experience delays and strikes, rudeness and tickets that change price by the minute. Oh, and unless you attempt to drive anywhere. People who drive places encounter other people driving on the road. All of these people are impatient, rude and not very good at driving.

The military know this.

For decades, people who like to fight one another sussed out that if you went out in your tank someone else would see it. The next thing you know a little light is flashing, a buzzer is sounding and there’s a missile coming straight for them. Nothing puts a dampener on that Friday afternoon spirit than someone else trying to kill you. Right? We’ve all been there. It’s a real bummer.

So what did the little soldiers do? They went incognito, they embraced the Stealth. They made stuff all black, they put some funky angles on it – but, and this is the most important bit, they called their planes “stealth planes”. Tanks were no longer tanks, they are now “stealth tanks”. Take a flying guess what their little boats are now called go on.

Being stealthy made fighty people much happier and less prone to dwell on how much better stuff used to be. Having a stealthy vape always makes a vaper feel a sense of achievement. It’s clear to us that being stealthy is the future.

We are going to roll out a whole bunch of stuff, beyond vaping, over the rest of 2017. And it all begins with Britain’s second-most popular form of using nicotine: chips. We all love nicotine. We all love chips. We all love the nicotine in chips. But now it’s going to be even better – now they are Stealthchips.

Now we just need to work out how to make fish all angular and a decent way of spraying them a dull machine grey. Once we’ve sussed out how to make Stealthfish there’ll be no stopping us.

Maybe you’re happy with your life? Maybe you’re totally stoked with your vape? It doesn’t matter. If switching to Stealth-life works for people who are all grumpy and misery, just imagine how much more full of beans you’ll feel.