Unwanted Gifts

It isn’t easy, we empathise. It’s a hazard-strewn trail from waking to downing the last bottle of Baileys – and that’s not even factoring in the non-stop begging adverts coming from the television. That said, we believe in helping people who really, genuinely need assistance. And do you know who those people are? It’s you, that’s who.

Each year people give you a collection of things that will either serve no function in your life, or offend you to the very core of your being if you gaze upon them. “Easy”, some say, “I’ll just pop them on eBay, lob them at the tip or palm them off to other people next year.”

A simple solution could be a trip to the tip experience. This is an experience unlike any of the decent ones you might have received during Yuletidemas. A trip to the tip currently (at a time when bin people reckon all of your extra festive rubbish will magically be sorted out by David Blane) is like an adventure into a post-apocalyptic nightmare. There’s queues, a bearded man in a hat shouting at you, more queues, and the macho posturing as each person attempts to lob their stuff to the end of a skip and only manages to get it just over the wall. And queues. Trust us, it’s hell.

So, eBay then? While this might seem to be a simple solution to a simple problem we need to caution you that nothing in life is simple – just look at people standing in a fast food restaurant queue. Over the last twenty years there has been no revolution in the fast food menu. The few burgers listed on it are the same as they’ve always been: burger, cheeseburger, double cheeseburger, fat burger, fat burger with cheese, tall burger, fish burger (“that will be five minutes, sir, we’ll bring it to you in half an hour”) and chuck burger.

It all seems so simple but you can guarantee you’ll spend a frustrating time standing behind people who have no idea what they want – every single bloomin’ time. Gifts are the same.

You are not the only person using eBay. The person who gave you that present uses it too. And they are going to see your selfishness displayed in your advert. And, if not, they will find out from Uncle Bob that you palmed stuff off on him because they’ll see his advert next year. It just makes you a horrible person attempting to profit from your selfishness. No, we say, don’t be that person – let us profit from your selfishness and we’ll be the horrible person for you. Yes, this is where we come in, with Stealthvape’s unwanted gift service.

So, here’s you sat in front of a litre of juice that won’t be used. It’s because your family haven’t bothered to note your long-standing hatred of all things mango. Even the name irks you. They should know that but they couldn’t be bothered. Scientists could take bananas and fuse them with grapes…but if they called the frankenfruit “the new mango” it would guarantee you’d jump off a pier.

And that mod? Didn’t they appreciate you’ve already got one of those and wanted the one with a screen you could personalise? The sods. But if you get caught getting shot of it you know it will all be you that’s at fault.

What does our service offer? All you need to do is package the unwanted items, write our address on the label and pay for postage – we take care of everything else and guarantee that you’ll never be troubled by the stuff again. The only thing we ask is that you don’t use the service for getting shot of tat, just nice stuff. Preferably expensive. Thank you.