SVTV Radio Times

It’s festive but done properly, just like in the good old days when you could say the word “Christmas”, families bonded over power cuts and all the children had rickets. It’s all brought to you by Stealthvape Television, the only subscription channel based in and available to Cantelupe Road in Bexhill on Sea.

If you aren’t already a customer of SVTV then the Christmas edition of the SVTVR&TVT is bound to wet your whistle – quality programming not seen since Love Thy Neighbour and Robin’s Nest were on ITV.

9am: Nobody normal is up yet so we’re sticking on Noel Edmonds for two hours. He’s dead cheap now because no other channel will touch him. We told him a mod and atty can cure smoking-related cancer and he signed immediately. No idea what he’s doing, we told him to make it juicy.

11am: Early Morning Service. People who don’t believe in religion will be cramming into a Bexhill church to praise the Lord for vaping and to get their faces on television.

12pm: Kylie’s Crackers. The real Kylie may be on Sky but we’ve got Kylie Jenkins from CostCo coming in to show us how to pull a cracker at Christmas using nothing but charm and a lot of Bacardi Breezers.

1pm: The Queen. That’s correct, you read it. We’ve got The Queen a full two hours before she’s on BBC1 doing a warm-up set for us. Liz will be taking you through the steps to make a Clapton coil while regaling us with witty anecdotes about Phil.

1:30pm: Bond at Christmas. Everybody loves a good Bond film on Christmas Day, so we’ve made one with simpering royal correspondent Jennie Bond. She is an evil boss bent on taking over the world with a gigantic vape machine. Or something. To be honest there’s a lot of improvisation because we ran out of ideas as the sherry consumption went up.

Later: Strongmen are doing something with lorries, there are some cartoons and another couple of films we got from Pirate Bay. Seriously, who cares? Everybody’s drunk now.