Bank On Us

The logical step came about when we realized that we needed to emulate those who inspire confidence and admirations – and nobody is more respected than bankers. Except maybe traffic wardens. So the idea for Bank of Stealthvape was born. In the Tesco mold, we want to grow to become a cradle to the grave lifestyle company. No, we’ve no idea what that means either; we probably overheard it on The Apprentice.

Are you looking for a credit card? A loan or mortgage? Maybe you need somewhere safe to pop your savings? And then there are always our class-leading investment products. Bank smart, bank SV. You can tell we are a quality financial institution because we use Comic Sans in our logo.

It can’t have escaped anybody’s attention that the pound has been tanking ever since we voted to do something that hasn’t happened. We’re no financial experts, not a prerequisite to setting up a bank, but we’re willing to bet the sterling continues to slump. That’s what you are relying on, our gut feelings over the future. And our gut tells us that you need to act now.

Bank of Stealthvape is offering you to grab hold of real pounds before they are worth less. Or worthless. As a special introductory offer you can turn those online banking pounds (that only exist on a computer screen) into real hard cash coin. Act now before your eBanking pounds plummet – you can buy genuine hard cash currency pounds from Bank of Stealthvape for ONLY ONE POUND. That is correct, you can’t lose: £1 in metal cash that can’t shrink for each £1 of made-up computer money. *Plus dealer fees, commission and a transaction charge

We know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking about Tesco Banking. You’re thinking that Bank of Stealthvape might be vulnerable to the same 12-yr old hacker who took 40,000 of their customers to the cleaners. It’s either that or you’re thinking about cheese.

The important thing is this, Tesco know about baked beans – we know about trying to nick people’s money. Tesco overlooked an important flaw in their system and one we have eliminated from Bank of Stealthvape: hackers can’t log into your account because we aren’t going to allow anybody access to the accounts.

Our current account has been designed to make it impossible for anybody but us to access. Plus, you can plan how to spend your SVBank points™ as you sit back and relax in the knowledge that your money couldn’t be any safer. Every tenner saved earns you an SVBank point™ – and points make prizes.

We have teamed up with a number of partners who will accept our reward points. Currently, these include Bexhill’s USA Fried Chicken, the CEMEX Denge quarry in Lydd and the Dartford-Thurrock River Crossing. You don’t enjoy luxuries like these with Nectar points.

All applications to open a new Bank of Stealthvape bank account should be made in writing on the back of a signed blank cheque and accompanied with your card details and PIN number. This, we should point out, is an essential part of our security checks to make sure that no fraudsters get inside the bank.

Until next time, you can always bank on Stealthvape.