Dear Warner Bros

At the outset, let us just say that we adored Animaniacs. It’s important to remember this love as we plod through the next couple of sentences. Your dalliance with DC characters has been an “absolute failure”. Not our words, just something we read on Rotten Tomatoes. And every other movie review site.

Batman vs Superman? The dysfunctional Suicide Squad dialogue? And now you’ve contracted five independent scriptwriters to produce five different scripts for Wonder Woman? It sounds like you need some Stealthvape support.

Imagine the scene, it’s a dark and gritty sky over Gotham. Anyone but Ben Affleck is kicking back in the Wayne Mansion with his feet up on an old desk, vape curls up from his top lip. The door creaks, in comes Albert. “Master Bruce,” say the bent old man. “Not a lot of people know this – but there’s a new super squad of evil rampaging through town.”

We’re not even a couple of minutes into the film and we’ve already got cooler tech going on than anything Batbloke had in his belt. Everyone loves vaping these days. Vaping and killer dialogue from anti-heroes.

So who’s this evil gang? Joker? Messed-up face? The bloke who does lame riddles? Nope. It’s crossover time; movie fans love crossovers. Say hello to The Legion of Evil.

Flashback.

For Lion, Rabbit, Raccoon, Elephant, Pig and the other Care Bears this was just another normal day at the nuclear plant. Five minutes of mayhem later and the irradiated posse became bent on pandemonium and destruction. Or, as the witty but amoral Uncare Bear says: “Panda-monium”. She laughs after saying that. Killer dialogue.

Because evil.

Fast forward again. Batchap, his soul crushed by the perma-dark of Gotham but mainly by the last abysmal feature presentation can no longer face fighting crime. Albert is packing travel vape kits and the pair of them go off to live in Miami. As the plane takes off, Supervaperman’s vapemobile crushes the gravel in Batchump’s ex-driveway.

“Join my great fight against the malevolent horde,” implores Supervaperman. Plumes of cereal-scented vape clear to reveal yet another crossover moment. Surely it can’t be true? But it is. It’s none other than Ponies For Justice.

It’s the feel-good, fighting evil hit of next summer. It’s vapetastic explosions, clouds and snappy one-liners (designed to be the only things people remember and put into memes). The story arch is a rainbow, Rainbow Dash is a rainbow and even the rainbows in the films are rainbows. Rainbows, unicorns, ponies, evil bears and vaping – “it literally couldn’t be more exciting”, says the poster for people who don’t understand the meaning of literally.

We are prepared to act as consultants for the production of Supervaperman – Man of Feels; Dawn of Flufftice.