Fantastic Facts

Chemicals

The average cigarette contains over 5,000 chemicals including ammonia, arsenic, tar, napalm, nerve gas, asparagus, cardboard, gravel, members of My Chemical Romance, small rodents and roll-on deodorant.

By contrast, eliquid contains just seven ingredients: vegetable glycerin, propylene glycol, water, unconditional love, sloppy kisses, custard and essence of pizza.

Safety

While Public Health England believe vaping to be at least 95% safer than smoking, research carried out by top boffins at the Dog & Duck, Wellingborough, proves that the precise figure is 102.3% safer.

The list of common daily activities that vaping is now officially safer than includes: gargling concentrated sulphuric acid, attempting to discuss Brexit on social media, living in the Big Brother house, a two-week summer holiday in Syria, suggesting the mother-in-law does not come to visit and a Black Friday sale in Asda.

Choice

There are now more flavours, atomisers and mods than actual vapers. If you were to try every combination it would be quicker to circumnavigate VY Canis Majoris. But cooler.

In our experience this also acts as a great deterrent for teens. On any given evening, providing a teen with a choice of what they want for supper is often met with huffs and sulks because that list didn’t include McBurgers. Teens hate choice therefore teens will be driven away from wanting to vape.

Social

Although it ‘s been estimated that there are about 2.8-million vapers in the UK, actually figures we’ve made up reveal there are actually 56 million. We can exclusively reveal that the only reason Martin McKee, Stanton Glantz and Simon Chapman bang on about vaping dangers is to force a price drop so they can boost their personal collections.

Smokers who quit for vaping have discovered a vibrant social community. The typical number of friends gained is approximately 52. Some new vapers have experienced such problems with gaining new chums that they have had to take out personal loans to afford the freshly extended Christmas card list. Vapers are very, very popular.

Money

Everybody knows that vaping is cheaper than smoking, but what people don’t appreciate is exactly how much cheaper. The average smoker now spends more a week on their tobacco habit than an addict spends on crystal meth. By contrast, vaping equipment has plummeted in cost so it’s now as cheap as a “model” on a TV reality show. Plus, all the old models of devices that people use will be snapped up in the future at auction by rich collectors. Vaping is like the new stamps.

Oh yes, these are the facts.