So pop on your copy of War by Edwin Starr. Or Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Or any of the legion of other people who have tried their hardest to destroy an absolute classic. Pop it on, draw a peace symbol on your chest and run around in the sunshine until you feel the need for beer. This should be in around 42 seconds if our exhaustive testing was anything to go by.
Yes – 1-2-3-4 – we’re going to have a vape war. Doesn’t it make sense to use technology we already have in order to defeat dippy despots and mad mass murderers around the globe? Considering the vape revolution transformed the nation and the NHS’ attitude to quit campaigns it seems only logical that we don our Che Guevara shirts and put the revolting into armed conflict too.
Vapers for The UK may sound a bit too Farage for some people’s tastes but “no, no, let us finish”. Stealthvape proposes the creation of a national vaping defence network. During a time of heightened threat, the government can send taxis round to your house and drop you all off at strategic points around the British coastline. As Muhammad Ali once said: “His hands can’t hit what his eyes can’t see.”
At the sound of a klaxon (it will probably be a klaxon even though we’d suggest blaring out The Birdie Song by The Tweet), the 2.8 million Vapers for The UK will exhale. Instantly the country will be transformed to a spooky Victorian scene featuring The Chocolate Cream Poisoner or Jack the Ripper. An impenetrable fug will linger around and over the sovereign state and any incoming airborne device will have to divert to another target instead – just like Ryanair does when it drizzles.
“Huzzah” will bellow the nation’s young as they throw their caps and satchels into the air with delight. And then begins Phase 2, so far at absolutely no cost to the public beyond the cab fares. Actually, we might need to rethink this bit as black cabs cost a mint. Perhaps we should simply Uber everyone about?
Now’s the time to send vapers out on the attack but, like with all war, we will place the most expendable on the front line. Seasoned vapers are too valuable to lose, instead we will give DIY sub-ohm kits to a selection of estate agents, car park ticket inspectors and celebrity chefs. Parachuting them into the hostile zones with nothing more than a brief coiling diagram, their job will be to build a competition standard cloud chucking device. They will not have access to ohmmeters due to Forces cutbacks. BOOM! Those who’d seek to attack Blighty won’t know what hit ’em. Nor will the brave estate agents, car park ticket inspectors and celebrity chefs who will be remembered through a statue erected in Wellingborough town centre.
For those of us left behind, NHS Quit programs will be transformed into places teaching self-defence techniques using heavy mods to inflict blunt force trauma. Should anybody manage to make it through the cloudbank to Kent or Norfolk will be in for a nasty surprise. But then that’s probably the case normally so we aren’t sure why we’re bothering. Finally, the ultimate deterrent, sponsorship of annoying YouTube reviews to put people off coming to attack us in the first place.
We will update you with further plans if the Ministry of Defence accepts our brilliant ideas.
