Stealthvape Is Expanding

Sales

Some people labour under the misapprehension that selling is easy. All you need to do is claim you aren’t a one-trick pony (and that you have a whole field of ponies) because we’ve all seen The Apprentice. But it’s not simply a question of advertising something and then asking people if they’d like to buy it – no, that is ridiculously simplistic.

Go stand in a fast-food establishment. Go in, stand in the queue and wait until you only have one person to go before you get served. Think about how wonderful that burger or slab of deep-fried fish is going to taste. Imagine yourself slurping down the ice-cold fizzy drink loaded with more sugar than a Disney kids musical. Hmm, pretty fine living.

No. Because in front of you is that person who wandered in by mistake and struggles to remember their own name let alone what they wanted to order off the menu. One-minute life was all the ‘That’s How You Know‘ song and dance scene from Enchanted, now it’s the ‘waiting room‘ in Beetlejuice.

Because people invariably do not know what they want, we have employed Russell Grant and Mystic Meg to run the sales operations. Going forward, you won’t even need to visit the website. Russell and Meg will use all manner of scientifically proven divination techniques to work out what you probably don’t know you need and complete your order for you. All we need you to do is complete a direct debit mandate and we’ll simply take money from your account when we send you crates of things your life has been empty without.

Customer Service

Sometimes things go wrong. Not here, we never make mistakes, but maybe a football player is drunk on his riches and ploughs his Ferrari into the post van just because he can and laughs while he does it. So there’s your order languishing in a ditch and now covered in flammable liquids and steam – what to do?

The remedy is to contact our new Customer Service team with a long-standing record in delivering fast and efficient solutions from the hip. It is important that customers phoning up with gripes are treated in a polite, professional and courteous manner and that is why we felt Katie Hopkins and Deadpool were born to the role. Friendly, empathetic and welcoming – you can be assured that they will meet every circumstance with bonhomie and leave you with a smile.

Marketing

A great company needs great coverage in the media and a strong public likeability factor. We are that great company, so we have employed two people who know how to impress others and generated deep feelings of warmth and fondness. It was a tough ask to get both Kanye West and Bill Cosby onside but here they are ready to bring us all closer together. Welcome Kanye, welcome Bill.

Logistics

We know that football players and fast cars exist posing a clear and present danger to deliveries. Moving things from A to B isn’t as simple as asking one of your children to fetch a beer from the kitchen – it’s more like asking them to build a brewery and gift you a lifetime supply of pints of happiness.

Our fame preceded us so it was no problem getting the experts to come on board and join us on our journey into the future. Nobody knows more about logistics than Scotty from Star Trek and Thomas the Tank Engine. And we even persuaded John Candy’s family to allow us to exhume him and prop him in the corner of the office – strictly in his Planes Trains & Automobiles role. Rest assured, if there’s any hint of Uncle Buck we will be interring him again.

2016 – the year Stealthvape delivered you the same brilliance but now with added fantastic. No need to say ‘thank you’, it’s what we do.