Monthly Archives: February 2020

Say a big hello to Stealthvape’s Swap Shop. There can’t be many of us who haven’t missed Noel Edmonds’ stellar TV show on a weekly basis. Saturday mornings used to mean something in the 1970’s, they used to be fun and worth getting out of bed for. These days the weekend appears to be nothing more than an endless series of trips to shops or being forced to climb a ladder, dice with death and pull weeds from the guttering.

We noticed that buying vape gear online frequently involves trusting the seller to be accurate in his or her description. Some photos tend to convey less detail than a convincing picture of the Loch Ness monster. Likewise, the liberties taken with language would lead one to believe at least 73% of sellers spend their days working as estate agents.

“Much loved device” – covered in scratches and the engraving is worn off.

“Gathering dust” – it broke in 2014 and I’m buggered if I know how to fix it.

“Will post on Thursday” – but I’m not going to tell you which month.

“Sought after” – a year ago but no one has wanted one since.

“Genuine reason for sale” – I’m honestly running out of reasons why you should buy this from me.

So, what about a streamed show that demonstrates the devices for the viewer’s delectation? It sounded like an absolutely brilliant idea to us. Given the lack of demand for Noel’s services since he stopped giving people empty boxes to open we decided to see if we could sign him up to host our new streamed vape show. Unfortunately he spent the entire interview attempting to sell us a magical box that would cure back problems, make a better cup of tea and transport us to other dimensions. We wished him well and waved goodbye as he climbed aboard his pogo stick bound for the train station, but not before buying one of the boxes. Damn that man could sell.

By chance, we bumped into Maggie Philbin in the Happy Shopper while she was buying a case of Diamond White cider. She told us that Rustie Lee was available for any work going. One phone call later and we had our super presenter.

Now, once we’ve saved up for the camera and other things we’ll need but not yet thought about, we are ready to go. Vapers across the country can send in their swaps and let us know what they want for them. Clearly we are going to have to ensure no children begin tuning in so we are implementing a thorough age vetting system. When you log on to Stealthvapeelectroniccigaretteunitedkingdomswapshop.com (yes, we were surprised the address was available too) you will be presented with a box asking you if you are over 18. Children will believe they can circumvent this by clicking ‘Yes’. Children are stupid – the real answer is ‘No’. Absolutely foolproof.

See you online.

It was clear that he was an expert in being carefree and appeared to have his finger on the pulse of fashion trends. Hang on, we thought, what could this mean for the vape community? Every week sees another new swathe of devices launched in some part of the world – but the news that cunning Chinese designers had incorporated a retro nod to their latest atomiser really got us excited.

It is an absolute and undeniable fact that music stopped being good in April 1994. The signs had been there for a while: Chris Deburgh, The Reynolds Girls and Kenny Loggins served up fair warning that things were going pear-shaped. Then Jive Bunny confirmed that all the future held was either noise or compilations to the sound of a drumbeat. Young people might argue differently but they don’t get to choose the music that goes on the car’s stereo.

Chocolate bars are nothing but a memory of what they used to be, lasagne has gone from being ‘continental’ to ironic and pizza is nothing more than a homage to cheese on toast. Who wants to play Fallout on their Playstation 4? Well, a lot of people it seems but that’s only because they’ve not been given the chance to play Manic Miner on a Spectrum. Things were better then.

Today’s celebrities and television hosts all have Essex mockney voices and lack the warmth and charm of Rolf, Jimmy and…err…maybe we’ve got a bit lost on this one. Anyway, moving swiftly on, we want to extend our congratulations to the design team behind the new Fortuna SubOhm Tank Clearomiser. Only true visionaries like us could spot the need for retro chic in vaping.

No man’s Christmas stocking was ever complete in the dark winters of the 1970s unless it contained a sexy lady pen. While their children had to be content with watching a ship sail up and down a tilted barrel, real men got to undress a beautiful woman. And then put the dress back on. It was an age that Vladimir Putin could have felt comfortable in when men were men and women were nothing more than objects. And, in the case of a sexy pen, objects to appear on other objects.

It was an innocent delight that has been robbed from anybody not alive then or who has not been to Skegness for a holiday. Hooray then for the Fortuna SubOhm Tank team releasing an atomiser that removes the clothes from a lady as it gets warmer. Only true visionaries would realise that retro chic must play a part in moving vaping forward and boosting its standing with the global harm reduction community. We salute you.

In my head I’m picturing the tall bad guy and his bowler-hatted henchman in The Man With the Golden Gun: sun, sea, sand and Britt Ekland as Mary Goodnight. I’m pretty happy to bet Love Island isn’t all about lasers and world domination as the ultimate goal, but not enough to go to a bookies.

Learning new stuff, discovering things, is the preserve of the young and foolhardy. They can take risks. They can, if so inclined, watch Big Brother to discover how Gary Dafthair reacts to what Gloria Pagethree-Model did in the house pond. I can’t do that now because the bulk of my allotted years are behind me and I feel the pressing surge of mortality. Not only might I forget things if I learn new stuff but I run the risk it could be essential to me living a few weeks longer.

And so I rely on the ability to make snapshot judgements from morsels of opinion. If there’s a point of view given by a person I respect then I go with it. Film decisions are always made with deference to Mark Kermode‘s reviews. Even better, if someone I have little respect for expresses a liking for something then I’ll avoid it like the plague, which has meant I’ve never eaten Nandos, never watched Titanic and never heard a single song sung by Adele or Taylor Swift.

‘Oh but that’s just ignorant,’ they might say. And they are probably correct. Such is my level of ignorance it could well be that I’ve never watched Nandos, heard Titanic or eaten Taylor Swift. I simply don’t know – Taylor Swift could be a rugged builder or a new kind of coffee. But whatever it is they all do or are I’ve not done it. Just like I’ve never watched Love Island.

The thing is, if I wanted to know more about Love Island or Bruno Mars I could switch on the TV or Google. I reckon there are websites and news stories and video files by the bucket load. If I waded through them all I could become the world’s foremost authority on all things Selena Gomez. If I wanted.

And that’s what irks me about the restrictions being imposed by the Tobacco Products Directive. Once I’d delved into the plethora of bytes dedicated to Twilight I’d be able to decide for myself that, on balance, it was an awesome series of films (as my daughter seems to think). Or not. Almost probably definitely not. But if I’m a smoker then the only thing on offer to me now are things like Daily Mail stories, shared on social media, telling me how ecigs contain “toxic substances such as embalming fluid and weed killer.”

There’s one thing condemning people to ignorance of something 95% safer than smoking, it’s another thing entirely when the bulk of permissible coverage is nothing but an outright lie. Right, time to find out what this whole Big Brother thing is…I hear someone did something incredible.

“Sexy? How do we make this thing sexy? Hang on, why does vaping even need to be sexy, you mad fool?”

Good questions.

Right from the outset, it was obvious that the anti-vaping lobby were worried about sexy advertising. Remember the ab-dabs they had after that advert appeared on television? That one where the woman was talking about doing something incredibly dirty but they pretended it was about vaping? That one The Telegraph described as “sexy as watching someone gutting fish”? Yea, that one. Blimey they hate sexy more than most people hate having to answer the door, when they were on the toilet, only to find it’s people wanting to explain the delights Heaven can offer. They really hate sexy.

It’s because sexy offers a promise of a life only granted to the rich and famous. Well, Fat Dylan claims to be part of life too but it’s common knowledge he lives with his Mum and has never seen Game Of Thrones. There’s no way someone who hasn’t seen GoT leads a sexy life.

And the thing is this; smokers aren’t going to know about the different life they could lead without sexy vape ads. They aren’t going to hanker for a strawberry eliquid if they’ve never seen one, if they haven’t looked on in wonder and wanted to be that person. Or with that person.

So it’s us – we are the sexy advert. Everywhere we go, everything we do, we’ve got to exude the very essence of sexy. Now, for you and me it’s going to be pretty easy. We are sexy beasts. For Fat Dylan it’s going to be a struggle given that he still has half a Full English sitting in his beard from last Friday.

Step 1: Doing the McCririck. It’s all about clothes and style. In order to appear sexy you just look at a picture of John McCririck and not wear anything that John McCririck would wear. Instantly sexy. Well, sexier than John McCririck – and that’s definitely sexier than Fat Dylan.

Step 2: Doing the Ryan. Whenever, wherever, you are vaping just recall the Meg Ryan scene from When Harry Met Sally. Inhale, run your fingers through your hair, lean back, exhale and moan. Try to make it more ‘French foreign film’ moan, as Brits tend to only do the ‘ten things I hate about my life today’ moan. If you don’t have any hair then just improvise. Spaghetti, wool, anything that comes to hand that you could superglue on and flick.

Instantly, people are going to look at you and want to be a part of your life. They will want to be you, with you, on you like fungus and living inside your skin like a cutaneous larva.

Can you imagine this? Two and a half million sexy vapers strutting around being idolised? The future is ours. The future is sexy vaping.

Stealthvape has built up a sterling reputation for delivering groundbreaking products and inventing new segments of the market. It will come as no surprise to anybody that we’ve done it again. In fact we’ve done it and then done it some more in a whole load of done it: The Commemorative Stealthvape Vape Pot™, The Celebratory Stealthvape Vape Pot™ and The Stealthvape Vape Pot™ Collectible Series.

You will probably be very interested in Stealthvape Vape Pots™ at this moment in time. But what is a Stealthvape Vape Pot™? Simple. We commissioned the finest glass craftspeople in China to hand make (using machines) these treasured collectables. Not many people appreciate that the Chinese are known throughout the world for leading the way in the highest quality crafted glassware.

The Stealthvape Vape Pots™ are either prefilled with a range of high quality exhaled vape or empty and provided with a Stealthvape Vape Pot Pen™ and Stealthvape Vape Pot Label™.

Maybe you fancy building your own collection of Stealthvape Vape Pots™. You don’t need to have ever vaped, but you will need a large bank balance as these are premium products. Perhaps you just want to celebrate a one-off vape event.

Stealthvape Vape Pots™ come in a range of sizes from Mouth2Lung through to Subohmeister. The special commemorative series includes “My First Vape”, “My Last Vape” and “My First Sodding Great Cloud”. Don’t forget to check out our huge Flavourz series too, currently representing over a hundred and seventeen different juices. We have a Classic series of old school simple flavour vapes and The Exotic Boutique series of simple flavours combined together. The Stealthvape Vape Pot™ Cloudrange and the Stealthvape Vape Pot Swappot Shop™ will be coming in early 2017.

The best aspect of the Stealthvape Vape Pot™ is that it is 100% recyclable. Should you decide that the collection is not for you the pots have a multitude of other uses: containing things, storing stuff and randomly stacking to make a modern art installation. Owners accept full responsibility if the pots are used for these purposes as they have not been designed for this as their primary use. All Stealthvape Vape Pots™ are guaranteed genuine unless opened. We can’t accept any liability for people becoming addicted to collecting Stealthvape Vape Pots™.

*Please note, any similarity between this awesome idea and any ridiculous items currently being sold on eBay is purely coincidental. Also, our Stealthvape Vape Pots ™ are not just empty jars from Poundland being sold for an obscene profit and anybody saying different is a liar.

News that we are going to launch the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon will come as no surprise to vapers who keep abreast of our ground-breaking activities. As much as the general public get aroused over other people throwing things or hitting balls with sticks, we are convinced that Sky and the BBC will be fighting between themselves to nail a contract to screen our event. Vapers are the public’s darlings.

It is almost certain that this will be a global happening – but what will it involve?

We are going to take the world’s favourite sporting events and tweak them with a vaping edge. Many people believe that an activity such as synchronised swimming would be vastly improved with the addition of lions and sharks in the pool. While we might agree, it is not easy to find lions or sharks in Basingstoke – the new home of the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon. Instead, we plan on getting a thousand vapers to cloud the top of the pool rendering anything taking place totally unseen.

We’re betting you’ll agree that motorbikes jumping through flaming hoops are fantastic. So fantastic it’s incredible one has not been shown on television since 1972. True fact. And what about motorbikes racing on ice with spikes in their tyres? They’ve never been shown on television leading some to believe they’re a Biblical myth. Another true fact.

Worry no more: we’ll be mounting flaming hoops in the fog bank above the swimming pool. Ice tyres will spin, engines will roar and each rider will make the jump while fixing a leak in their Kayfun 4. It will be a thrilling heart-in-mouth spectacle as the synchronised swimmers will still be in the pool.

With the vape cloud replaced and any signs of carnage cleaned up, it’s time for the high dive competition. Prior to our bold moves, the most exciting thing about high diving was Tom Daley – and that was voted as being as exciting as waiting for someone to get ready for a night out by readers of Cosmopolitan Magazine. Yet a further true fact.

Leaping from the top of Basingstoke’s Skyline Plaza, divers will plummet the 18 floors while performing tumbles, tucks and filling the reasonably priced Sapor RTAs provided by the amazing folks at Vape Geek UK. As we can’t abide product placement, competitors will have to do it nude to avoid swimwear promotion. Hopefully someone will have remembered to fill the pool after clearing out the bodies and motorcycle parts.

Clearly, this will have wetted you appetite and you are yearning for more information. Once we have tied up the broadcasting contract and paid off the remaining Basingstoke councillors we’ll publish further details, until then set aside the first ten days in October 2019 for the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon.

“My little Johnny loves to vape,” Gladys Hip-Problem told us, “but he struggled to afford all of those large bottles.” We hear you, Gladys. For too long the vape industry has forgotten about all the non-working vapers out there. “It’s like, those 120ml bottles go from forty pounds and up. How is a 12yr-old going to buy them? He isn’t, that’s how. He struggles to find the money for his weekend WKDs as it is.”

“He got picked on in the playground by the rich kids who laugh at him. ‘Johnny no-vapes’ they call him. It’s not fair – the teachers did nothing. He’s clutching his tiny bottle of juice while they’re carting around huge great carafes. All I can say is a big ‘thank EU’ to the politicians responsible for this new law. Now the rest of them are going to have to buy 10 microscopic containers with their chip money too, it’s really levelled the playing field. And the playground. And Maths lessons – well they have to do something in class because that Mr Crabtree is awful.”

Yes, thanks to Linda McAvan MEP, everybody from the long-term disabled to the Terrible Twos can now share in this wonderful Act of equality. McAvan has been concerned about the declining rates of teen smoking for some time and saw attacking ecigs as a brilliant way to redress this.

“The trouble for small hands is that they have difficulty grasping a big bottle of eLiquid,” said business expert Tim Wingnut, famed for being fired on Series 3 of The Apprentice after he failed to sell fried food to Glaswegians. “McAvan correctly identified that an easy-hold 10ml bottle would overcome this and have them on plain packs of Bensons before the year is out.”

“Johnny has already worked out that he can fit twelve different flavours and two of his favourite mods into his pencil case as long as he takes out all of those useless pens,” add Mrs Hip-Problem. “He’s delighted.”

We asked Gladys if she felt the ban on advertising was a step too far? “Absolutely not,” she replied. “Sure, he liked to look at the pictures and stuck them up on his wall, but it’s not like any of these kids can read anyways. Plus, there is such a demand for the illegal adverts that he’s selling them on eBay and using the money to buy more atomisers.”

Wingnut continues: “The genius of McAvan and her peers is that they also banned packs of ten cigs. They noticed that a kid with a small pack might finish them and quit – or, worse, have a couple of stingy mates poncing fags are bring about the quit attempt even sooner. By ensuring that kids moving up into smoking have to buy 20 smokes at a time will guarantee they stay coughing for longer and will always have one for the bus shelter.”

“In my professional opinion: I’ve not seen such thorough thinking since some ‘Swiss army knife of business skills’ stored calamari in the sun at the start of Series 11 of The Apprentice. Did you know I was in The Apprentice once? Would you like my autograph?”

“Me and Johnny are so thankful to that lovely Mr Cameron,” finished the mad mother. “Without him rubber-stamping the TPD it wouldn’t be happening. He knows that restricting the strength means kids won’t be put off by high-nic juices. He’s really brilliant, I’ve always trusted politicians who eat a hotdog with a knife and fork.”

Some like to have a simple, tight draw while others want an open draw to rival sucking on the Mersey tunnel. There are vapers who exhale discrete puffs, barely noticeable to all but the most irritating moaner. There are vapers who produce cloudbanks, which cause warnings on the shipping forecast, and there are vapers who do all manner of tricks. But the problem has always been that you have to set up your kit for one thing.

Not anymore.

We’ve designed something that is all things to everybody. You’ll be amazed at the simple beauty of the Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers ™. OK, we admit, it doesn’t scrub up very well in photographs – but then neither did Audrey Hepburn without 3kg of makeup. That’s a fact we found on the internet – and the internet never lies. You can believe that because you are reading this on the internet.

This is a machine that blows O’s, does tricks, chucks out clouds of predetermined lengths (from amateur to comp winner) and even produces clouds resembling famous celebrities. You too will be able to make an octopus or make it look like your lounge has just been visited by the ghost of Giant Haystacks, the wrestler. For those who want to turn full pro, the Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers ™ means sponsorship is almost definitely guaranteed – if you can find someone to pay you to vape.

How does it work? The box has two modes: blow and suck. The suck function is for those looking for simple vaping. The self-contained atomiser feeds up to the mouth using our patented Gobtube. The user friendly buttons allow the experience to be personalised in under three hours of easy button pressing.

But when it’s time to party, the blow function will give you tricks for days. The adult lock can be enabled to turn off the suck function meaning all your children and grandchildren can join in the vape japes and malarkey too.

The box has been future-proofed. Our downloadable interface will work on all the operating systems – both Windows 95 AND Windows 98. Not only that, we realise that the more technically advanced among you will now be using Windows XP and we will be launching a patch to accommodate that in 2019.

It’s fully customisable too with our range of exciting and useful range of accessories:

• Gobtubes in different colours and materials
• Extendable Gobtubes for vaping during commutes, riding motorbikes, marathon running or something like space exploration or whatever.
• Seeing a bandwagon to jump on, we’re also launching a range of Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers switchback caps.
• External backpack juice reservoir with solar recharger so you can literally vape for days.
• Downloadable celebrity faces, animal shapes and rude objects for cloud formations.

We know that you’ll be as excited about this as we are, so we urge you to get on this quick. Demand will be through the roof, along with the price, so make sure you don’t miss out on owning your very own Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers™.

Stanton Glantz doesn’t like it though. He doesn’t like the idea of vapers enjoying themselves and he loathes the idea that you are all being paid by Big Tobacco to promote vaping. Katie Hopkins probably hates it too. We haven’t bothered to find out as reading her Twitter feed has been linked to an increased rate of brain aneurisms, but it’s a reasonable bet that as normal people enjoy it she will despise them.

There’s a market segment that’s been clearly overlooked though, and we believe we’re riding the bleeding edge of invention by catering to its needs. We asked ourselves the question: “Where’s the next step?” There’s everything for vapers who have successfully swapped smoking for ecigs and yet those vapers looking to switch of electronic cigs entirely – nothing.

Sure, vaping is awesome and makes us all look cool but some people don’t like the secondary effects. Being swamped with attractive folks bent on getting to know you sexually or hang out down the pub can become a drag if all you want to do is stay in and listen to Gardener’s Question Time. What’s a person to do? You need the Stealthvape range of motivational products, that’s what.

Step One: The Stealthvape VapeMate Safe. It’s like a normal safe but six times better. With sections to accommodate you mods and atomisers, dedicated drawers for all of your rebuildable equipment and a toilet roll dispenser, it’s the ideal repository for all of your gear. How does this help? It aids you because the Stealthvape Vapemate Safe randomly changes its 17-digit electronic password ensuring that you’d have to really be dedicated to taking vaping up again. It took Stephen Hawking three weeks and a computer-operated acetylene torch to get in during our extensive trials.

Step Two: The Stealthvape Vapemate Nonvapecig. It looks like a mod and atomiser, it has a colourful liquid in the tank, but press the button and nothing happens. It’s like being inside Katie Hopkins’ brain; nothing is going on, but nicer. You get all of the enjoyment from holding something amazing but none of the temptation to use it in public.

Step Three: The Stealthvape Vapemate Patch. This isn’t like a nicotine patch because that would be stupid. No, these are like pirate eye patches but in the style of glasses so that even if a friend pops around you won’t be able to see their kit. Not only will it remove temptation but also you will become as fantastic as a pirate Johnny Depp. We do not advise using the Stealthvape Vapemate Patch when driving or operating heavy machinery.

And when you have successfully (avoided accidents) quit, we’ll be there for you in the future too with a forthcoming range of post-vaping products. You might want to leave the Stealthvape Vapemate Patch off so you can read about it.

He sighed and puffed as his brow became richly furrowed. A knee beneath the table kept rhythm to an unheard pulsating beat while the gentle twisting of the head exaggerated his wholesale lack of comprehension. And then, fired as if from a .44 handgun, the atty base flew into the corner of the screen, releasing a crack into the silence and spawning spider leg cracks from the point of impact. Jock wasn’t a happy man before. He was livid now.

The palpitating blood vessels grew as he roared: “Tax? Bloody tax? These gits want to tax me?” It’s fair to say that he was not making himself the most popular client in the library and it wasn’t like he didn’t face stiff competition. Pissy John hadn’t earned his nickname from the staff because of his excellent personal hygiene, but even he would have been welcomed with a warm embrace that afternoon.

“Mr. Tavish, this is the last time we’re going to ask you to remain quite. You know the rules and I…” But Jock wasn’t listening; he was already pacing for the door clutching a bag full of mods and an intention to find someone to share his anger.

He was locked in to the march to Wetherspoons. He was bent on breeding his burning sense of injustice. Trapped in a tunnel vision that rendered him unable to notice the child now lying on the floor surrounded by what used to be the contents of a bag of Haribos; a child who had been selecting their favourite sweet shortly before receiving a blow to the side of the head from his canvas sack full of metal. The record-breaking collection of abusive terms flying from its mother’s mouth were nothing but part of the backdrop of a town’s noise poking through the cloud he trailed behind him.

Three ill-dressed men, that could loosely be described as acquaintances of Jock’s, were nursing pints of Happy Hour lager. “The bloody Europe want to tax us for us vaping!” Flecks of spittle leapt from his tongue as it lashed a tale of unfairness and victimisation before it curled itself around a collection of words that caused one of the bartenders to approach. One F-word, three uses of one beginning with C and an unpleasant form of ‘Go away‘ later and Jock was outside again through the medium of a large doorman’s armlock. Three ill-dressed men exchanged looks and returned to silently cupping their glasses.

“I dinnae get it,” he implored to Steff. Steff spent her days loading plates with stale cake and pouring stewed cups of tea in the café next to Wetherspoons. All she knew of Jock was that he struggled to get into the seats that were fixed far to closely to the tables and that he always argued if she asked him not to vape inside. “It’s not like us vapers are hurting anyone.”