Monthly Archives: February 2020

Not allowed to vape at a sports venue? Banned from having a quick blast at work? No longer thanks to Stealthvape’s body augmented vaping designs. With the flip of a subcutaneous switch, located a finger-press away on your palm, vaping will be part and parcel of breathing – and this isn’t something they can throw you off the 9:15 from Bristol Temple Meads for.

Some might say, “That looks painful”. Others might add, “That looks expensive”. While both of those points of view are very true, just think of the benefits.

By incorporating vaping equipment into body tissue means that you never need to buy a battery again. Charging takes place through the harnessing of mitochondrial energy – never has there been a better reason to eat a curry.

Whether the juice is supplied though an external pack or accommodated within a buttock is wholly up to you. Maybe there is another part of the body you’d like to extend to hold a long 30ml bottle? We can modify to suit thanks to Stealthvape’s top bank of plastic surgeon specialists.

Hang on, you’re thinking, how can I adjust the vape? The one thing you don’t have to worry about is another operation. All settings will be controlled through a handy downloadable phone app.

The settings can be adjusted from cloud blowing, high enough that you could hire yourself out to nightclubs and rock festivals, all the way down to accommodating vape-free vaping. It will now be possible for you to gain a nic-fix in court, A&E or while flying a 757 (even if you give the impression you’re in training for a sucker fish lookalike competition).

It doesn’t stop there. Joy of joys, the phone app interface allows users to virtually vape at work. That’s correct – no vape vaping. A slide of a finger sends a virtual plume of vape out on the screen, totally obscuring that annoying person in your meeting (because doing it for reals would cause a kerfuffle).

Clearly, there are further advantages to adamantium vape augmentation. Being the stuff of superheroes is no longer the preserve of comics as vapers can elect to have the Platinum package installed, which includes Wolverine-like bones and optional claws – useful for fighting crime AND cutting cotton wicks to size.

Needless to say this is going to be exceptionally popular and so we suggest getting your name on the waiting list as soon as possible. The future is augmented body vaping, and the future is (as some American chap used to say) now.

Images – Fernando Vicente
 

Vapers are being consigned to smoking shelters and denied the opportunity to vape elsewhere because of, what anti-vapers call, the precautionary principle. This means that until a person unnamed to their satisfaction declares vaping 100% safe people should avoid allowing its use. And employers have adopted that stance in view of the difficulty for them to discover the truth behind the science.

This means you have probably felt left out in the cold when it comes to decision-making, probably literally (except for this week). But Public Health England has given you a golden arrow for your quill.

“E-cigarette use is not covered by smoke-free legislation and should not routinely be included in the requirements of an organisation’s smoke-free policy. Vapers should not be required to use the same space as smokers, as this could undermine their ability to quit and stay smoke-free,” write the PHE in their guidance for employers.

If you are currently being forced into the smoking shed against your wishes then you might wish to draw the boss’ attention to: “E-cigarette use does not meet the legal or clinical definitions of smoking . . . Furthermore, international peer-reviewed evidence suggests that e-cigarettes carry a fraction of the risk of cigarettes and have the potential to help drive down smoking rates, denormalise smoking and improve public health. So policies need to be clear on the differences between vaping and smoking.”

In advocating that British employers set up separate spaces for vapers to vape in, they say: “To maximise the number of smokers switching to e-cigarettes, vaping should be made a more convenient, as well as safer, option.”

The guidance also suggests that employers take note of the fact that vaping delivers less nicotine and therefore vapers need to vape more often than a smoker needs a cigarette. Users should be allowed extra breaks for the “frequent interim top-ups” they need, the advice says.

Commenting on the release, ECITA’s Tom Pruen said: “The guidance from Public Health England is pragmatic and sensible, and if adopted by employers will help them to better provide for the health and well-being of their staff. Allowing the use of e-cigs will benefit not just the physical health of their employees, but also boost morale and job satisfaction as well as encouraging more existing smokers to switch to the safer alternative of vaping. The guidance from PHE is another recognition of the potential for e-cigs to offer huge improvements to public health.”

We can’t guarantee that your line manager will accept the points being put over by Public Health England but it can’t hurt to print out the full position statement and discuss it with them.

So pop on your copy of War by Edwin Starr. Or Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Or any of the legion of other people who have tried their hardest to destroy an absolute classic. Pop it on, draw a peace symbol on your chest and run around in the sunshine until you feel the need for beer. This should be in around 42 seconds if our exhaustive testing was anything to go by.

Yes – 1-2-3-4 – we’re going to have a vape war. Doesn’t it make sense to use technology we already have in order to defeat dippy despots and mad mass murderers around the globe? Considering the vape revolution transformed the nation and the NHS’ attitude to quit campaigns it seems only logical that we don our Che Guevara shirts and put the revolting into armed conflict too.

Vapers for The UK may sound a bit too Farage for some people’s tastes but “no, no, let us finish”. Stealthvape proposes the creation of a national vaping defence network. During a time of heightened threat, the government can send taxis round to your house and drop you all off at strategic points around the British coastline. As Muhammad Ali once said: “His hands can’t hit what his eyes can’t see.”

At the sound of a klaxon (it will probably be a klaxon even though we’d suggest blaring out The Birdie Song by The Tweet), the 2.8 million Vapers for The UK will exhale. Instantly the country will be transformed to a spooky Victorian scene featuring The Chocolate Cream Poisoner or Jack the Ripper. An impenetrable fug will linger around and over the sovereign state and any incoming airborne device will have to divert to another target instead – just like Ryanair does when it drizzles.

“Huzzah” will bellow the nation’s young as they throw their caps and satchels into the air with delight. And then begins Phase 2, so far at absolutely no cost to the public beyond the cab fares. Actually, we might need to rethink this bit as black cabs cost a mint. Perhaps we should simply Uber everyone about?

Now’s the time to send vapers out on the attack but, like with all war, we will place the most expendable on the front line. Seasoned vapers are too valuable to lose, instead we will give DIY sub-ohm kits to a selection of estate agents, car park ticket inspectors and celebrity chefs. Parachuting them into the hostile zones with nothing more than a brief coiling diagram, their job will be to build a competition standard cloud chucking device. They will not have access to ohmmeters due to Forces cutbacks. BOOM! Those who’d seek to attack Blighty won’t know what hit ’em. Nor will the brave estate agents, car park ticket inspectors and celebrity chefs who will be remembered through a statue erected in Wellingborough town centre.

For those of us left behind, NHS Quit programs will be transformed into places teaching self-defence techniques using heavy mods to inflict blunt force trauma. Should anybody manage to make it through the cloudbank to Kent or Norfolk will be in for a nasty surprise. But then that’s probably the case normally so we aren’t sure why we’re bothering. Finally, the ultimate deterrent, sponsorship of annoying YouTube reviews to put people off coming to attack us in the first place.

We will update you with further plans if the Ministry of Defence accepts our brilliant ideas.

We could begin with the simple targets. It goes without saying that traffic wardens, tax inspectors, investment bankers and politicians could rescue kittens from burning buildings and still stand by the smouldering door being pelted with an assortment of rotten fruit and insults. But still, a poster campaign might work – this is post-TPD legal. An image of our four hate figures could be set against a slogan of “Maybe they’d be better people if they vaped?”

This doesn’t work too well if we are trying to convince parking officials, tax inspectors, investment bankers and politicians that vapers are awesome but do we care for their respect? It is also possible that some of our customers are currently traffic wardens, tax inspectors, investment bankers or politicians. This isn’t an attack on you; you are vapers first and annoying occupation second.

But there are others.

Monday morning always brings a slew of hilarious “Oh joy is me, it’s work again” jpg files on social media. With all the humour of a Garfield cartoon or a trip to the piles doctor, we all know it’s Monday. We’re currently reading your update because, like you, none of us want to be in work and we were trying to forget about being here for ten minutes. Thanks. Reality just came crashing through the screen.

It’s tricky to include these folks in a pro-vaping campaign and, some might say, they are very lucky to have a job. I was once employed by a large fast food chain to clear excrement and urine from the toilet floor. It’s not going to be easy to use the multitude of shortsighted or poor-aiming burger eaters either; I imagine very few of us have suffered them.

How about unsolicited door knockers? After guffawing at a Monday image on Facebook our door went and there stood a builder touting solutions to an invisible problem, full of promise of combining high cost with low quality. Then came a young woman attempting to interest me in replacing my 2yr-old UPVC double-glazing with brand new UPVC double-glazing. Then someone wanted the clothes off my back to help a helicopter or children or Bono, I lost interest quickly. Knockers on doors would be brilliant at deflecting some of the animosity aimed at vaping.

But if we are thinking about cold calls: what about telemarketers? Why did an Internet service provider call me while I was still in bed? Why were they trying to sell me some of their honest-to-goodness Yorkshire broadbands before I’d had a coffee? And how did they achieve that when I’m meant to be X-directory?

Maybe we should skip the posters and concentrate on the personal. Each time someone voices dissatisfaction with vaping simply say to them: “Aha, but at least I don’t work for BT Customer Service”. This approach even applies to those who actually work for BT Customer Service; they’re already good at fibbing.

It wasn’t easy being Gavin. For starters he would rather be fishing and on permanent gardening leave, and then he really didn’t like people either. Not the best qualifications for a customer-facing enterprise. That said, after he’d waved goodbye to the machine shop he’d made a proper fist of it. Jayne was proud. Lads like it when their Mums are proud.

From a small market stall selling CE4s and juice that could strip walls, the pair of them had built up a respectable business with long hours and skipped meals. They’d seen the pioneers, the hobbyists and the curious. From a range that could be held in a hand they now presented expensive rack upon rack of devices for all tastes. Likewise, the budget juices had been augmented with all manner of fancy bottled and labelled selection from home and abroad.

Gavin had learnt how to employ people. First of all he employed his mates who vaped his stock, then he took on some young people who preferred to stay in bed or borrow from the till before he settled upon the lovely cross-section who now run the store while he does battle with tax returns and insurance quotes. And still has to skip meals.

It’d been a journey not unlike currently trying to get from Dover to France: frustration and annoyance tempered with the knowledge that this was all a learning experience. The destination would make it worthwhile.

And then there was the satisfaction that came from what the whole thing was all about. Some businesses make their money from ripping off the NHS for medicines, others manufacture the deaths of innocent people – Jayne and Gavin sold a healthier alternative to smoking and helped people quit. They gave advice to the young and old, the fit and the informed. The pair of them slept well at night because lives were being saved, staff had money in their pockets and someone at HMRC was rolling around on a fat wad of their cash.

What never ceased to amaze Gavin was the public. There was something special about the loyalty they displayed to his shop. They’d drop in for juice, a new treat, but mainly just for a chat. And they’d be unpaid sales assistants, always willing to give advice to those coming in looking to make the switch. Always chipper, always enthusiastic about vaping.

The new law looks set to change things for small vape business owners over the next twelve months. Challenges being presented are set to be a barrier too high for many. Jayne had noted announcements on a forum with sadness, of juice makers and stores closing up. “Maybe things will be OK,” she’d tell her lad. “We’re vapers – we don’t just quit unless it’s the smokes.”

There are hundreds of Gavin and Jaynes across the country. Vape manufacturers and retailers of Britain, we salute you.

Dear Rt Hon Jeremy Hunt MP Secretary of State for Health,

Although we have not met or exchanged tips for finding Pokemons in town centres, I am sure we are going to become really good friends. I’ve heard that you’re super into politics and stuff – us too. Mainly ‘the stuff’ bit though tbh. Anyway, we are writing about something that the old Secretary of State didn’t understand very well, but we are sure you will love: vaping. What’s vaping? Hold on there, tiger, let’s cover something else first.

You know when you’d get a new girlfriend and you really wanted to impress her, but then you’d forget to sort something out as the life of a man is full of busy? So you’d pop by a graveyard or nearby petrol station and lift a bunch of flowers? And she’d be all, “Oh wow, Jeremy – these are super awesome”? Well think of vaping as a bunch of flowers.

By now your office staff chums will have made you aware of how big a sad sack that old Jeremy Hunt was, nowhere near as smashing as you. Trust us, he was even worse than they’re saying. He was like the PM’s ex-boyfriend. You are the new beau. Old Jeremy delivered nothing but heartache and probably never gave the old PM a neck rub. Teresa is waiting on flowers, lover-boy. She needs to be wooed and wowed.

This is the moment for you to flop out a bouquet of vape into her lap.

Just like the purloined plumes, the gift of vape you’ll be giving is entirely free. You see it’s quite simple, vaping will cost the government absolutely nothing – all you need to do is forget about that daft Article 20 of the Tobacco Products Directive because we aren’t going to be part of the EU. All the other women and men in suits are going to be busy with other things and won’t even notice. Just take the paperwork and leave it out with the empty departmental milk bottles.

All of a sudden, by doing nothing and spending no money, vaping equipment with continue to design in improvements and smoking rates will plummet. In turn, Britain gets healthier and happier – and happy vapers will spend more money on whatever it is that you party sell. As we said, we really get politics.

So many benefits from something that is 95% safer than smoking, Teresa may melt in your arms. What we reckon is that we should get together and sort this out over a jug of Sangria in Hooters. Next Thursday afternoon good for you?

Your new best mates, Stealthvape.

News that we are going to launch the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon will come as no surprise to vapers who keep abreast of our ground-breaking activities. As much as the general public get aroused over other people throwing things or hitting balls with sticks, we are convinced that Sky and the BBC will be fighting between themselves to nail a contract to screen our event. Vapers are the public’s darlings.

It is almost certain that this will be a global happening – but what will it involve?

We are going to take the world’s favourite sporting events and tweak them with a vaping edge. Many people believe that an activity such as synchronised swimming would be vastly improved with the addition of lions and sharks in the pool. While we might agree, it is not easy to find lions or sharks in Basingstoke – the new home of the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon. Instead, we plan on getting a thousand vapers to cloud the top of the pool rendering anything taking place totally unseen.

We’re betting you’ll agree that motorbikes jumping through flaming hoops are fantastic. So fantastic it’s incredible one has not been shown on television since 1972. True fact. And what about motorbikes racing on ice with spikes in their tyres? They’ve never been shown on television leading some to believe they’re a Biblical myth. Another true fact.

Worry no more: we’ll be mounting flaming hoops in the fog bank above the swimming pool. Ice tyres will spin, engines will roar and each rider will make the jump while fixing a leak in their Kayfun 4. It will be a thrilling heart-in-mouth spectacle as the synchronised swimmers will still be in the pool.

With the vape cloud replaced and any signs of carnage cleaned up, it’s time for the high dive competition. Prior to our bold moves, the most exciting thing about high diving was Tom Daley – and that was voted as being as exciting as waiting for someone to get ready for a night out by readers of Cosmopolitan Magazine. Yet a further true fact.

Leaping from the top of Basingstoke’s Skyline Plaza, divers will plummet the 18 floors while performing tumbles, tucks and filling the reasonably priced Sapor RTAs provided by the amazing folks at Vape Geek UK. As we can’t abide product placement, competitors will have to do it nude to avoid swimwear promotion. Hopefully someone will have remembered to fill the pool after clearing out the bodies and motorcycle parts.

Clearly, this will have wetted you appetite and you are yearning for more information. Once we have tied up the broadcasting contract and paid off the remaining Basingstoke councillors we’ll publish further details, until then set aside the first ten days in October 2019 for the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon.

Stealthvape has built up a sterling reputation for delivering groundbreaking products and inventing new segments of the market. It will come as no surprise to anybody that we’ve done it again. In fact we’ve done it and then done it some more in a whole load of done it: The Commemorative Stealthvape Vape Pot™, The Celebratory Stealthvape Vape Pot™ and The Stealthvape Vape Pot™ Collectible Series.

You will probably be very interested in Stealthvape Vape Pots™ at this moment in time. But what is a Stealthvape Vape Pot™? Simple. We commissioned the finest glass craftspeople in China to hand make (using machines) these treasured collectables. Not many people appreciate that the Chinese are known throughout the world for leading the way in the highest quality crafted glassware.

The Stealthvape Vape Pots™ are either prefilled with a range of high quality exhaled vape or empty and provided with a Stealthvape Vape Pot Pen™ and Stealthvape Vape Pot Label™.

Maybe you fancy building your own collection of Stealthvape Vape Pots™. You don’t need to have ever vaped, but you will need a large bank balance as these are premium products. Perhaps you just want to celebrate a one-off vape event.

Stealthvape Vape Pots™ come in a range of sizes from Mouth2Lung through to Subohmeister. The special commemorative series includes “My First Vape”, “My Last Vape” and “My First Sodding Great Cloud”. Don’t forget to check out our huge Flavourz series too, currently representing over a hundred and seventeen different juices. We have a Classic series of old school simple flavour vapes and The Exotic Boutique series of simple flavours combined together. The Stealthvape Vape Pot™ Cloudrange and the Stealthvape Vape Pot Swappot Shop™ will be coming in early 2017.

The best aspect of the Stealthvape Vape Pot™ is that it is 100% recyclable. Should you decide that the collection is not for you the pots have a multitude of other uses: containing things, storing stuff and randomly stacking to make a modern art installation. Owners accept full responsibility if the pots are used for these purposes as they have not been designed for this as their primary use. All Stealthvape Vape Pots™ are guaranteed genuine unless opened. We can’t accept any liability for people becoming addicted to collecting Stealthvape Vape Pots™.

*Please note, any similarity between this awesome idea and any ridiculous items currently being sold on eBay is purely coincidental. Also, our Stealthvape Vape Pots ™ are not just empty jars from Poundland being sold for an obscene profit and anybody saying different is a liar.

“Sexy? How do we make this thing sexy? Hang on, why does vaping even need to be sexy, you mad fool?”

Good questions.

Right from the outset, it was obvious that the anti-vaping lobby were worried about sexy advertising. Remember the ab-dabs they had after that advert appeared on television? That one where the woman was talking about doing something incredibly dirty but they pretended it was about vaping? That one The Telegraph described as “sexy as watching someone gutting fish”? Yea, that one. Blimey they hate sexy more than most people hate having to answer the door, when they were on the toilet, only to find it’s people wanting to explain the delights Heaven can offer. They really hate sexy.

It’s because sexy offers a promise of a life only granted to the rich and famous. Well, Fat Dylan claims to be part of life too but it’s common knowledge he lives with his Mum and has never seen Game Of Thrones. There’s no way someone who hasn’t seen GoT leads a sexy life.

And the thing is this; smokers aren’t going to know about the different life they could lead without sexy vape ads. They aren’t going to hanker for a strawberry eliquid if they’ve never seen one, if they haven’t looked on in wonder and wanted to be that person. Or with that person.

So it’s us – we are the sexy advert. Everywhere we go, everything we do, we’ve got to exude the very essence of sexy. Now, for you and me it’s going to be pretty easy. We are sexy beasts. For Fat Dylan it’s going to be a struggle given that he still has half a Full English sitting in his beard from last Friday.

Step 1: Doing the McCririck. It’s all about clothes and style. In order to appear sexy you just look at a picture of John McCririck and not wear anything that John McCririck would wear. Instantly sexy. Well, sexier than John McCririck – and that’s definitely sexier than Fat Dylan.

Step 2: Doing the Ryan. Whenever, wherever, you are vaping just recall the Meg Ryan scene from When Harry Met Sally. Inhale, run your fingers through your hair, lean back, exhale and moan. Try to make it more ‘French foreign film’ moan, as Brits tend to only do the ‘ten things I hate about my life today’ moan. If you don’t have any hair then just improvise. Spaghetti, wool, anything that comes to hand that you could superglue on and flick.

Instantly, people are going to look at you and want to be a part of your life. They will want to be you, with you, on you like fungus and living inside your skin like a cutaneous larva.

Can you imagine this? Two and a half million sexy vapers strutting around being idolised? The future is ours. The future is sexy vaping.

In my head I’m picturing the tall bad guy and his bowler-hatted henchman in The Man With the Golden Gun: sun, sea, sand and Britt Ekland as Mary Goodnight. I’m pretty happy to bet Love Island isn’t all about lasers and world domination as the ultimate goal, but not enough to go to a bookies.

Learning new stuff, discovering things, is the preserve of the young and foolhardy. They can take risks. They can, if so inclined, watch Big Brother to discover how Gary Dafthair reacts to what Gloria Pagethree-Model did in the house pond. I can’t do that now because the bulk of my allotted years are behind me and I feel the pressing surge of mortality. Not only might I forget things if I learn new stuff but I run the risk it could be essential to me living a few weeks longer.

And so I rely on the ability to make snapshot judgements from morsels of opinion. If there’s a point of view given by a person I respect then I go with it. Film decisions are always made with deference to Mark Kermode‘s reviews. Even better, if someone I have little respect for expresses a liking for something then I’ll avoid it like the plague, which has meant I’ve never eaten Nandos, never watched Titanic and never heard a single song sung by Adele or Taylor Swift.

‘Oh but that’s just ignorant,’ they might say. And they are probably correct. Such is my level of ignorance it could well be that I’ve never watched Nandos, heard Titanic or eaten Taylor Swift. I simply don’t know – Taylor Swift could be a rugged builder or a new kind of coffee. But whatever it is they all do or are I’ve not done it. Just like I’ve never watched Love Island.

The thing is, if I wanted to know more about Love Island or Bruno Mars I could switch on the TV or Google. I reckon there are websites and news stories and video files by the bucket load. If I waded through them all I could become the world’s foremost authority on all things Selena Gomez. If I wanted.

And that’s what irks me about the restrictions being imposed by the Tobacco Products Directive. Once I’d delved into the plethora of bytes dedicated to Twilight I’d be able to decide for myself that, on balance, it was an awesome series of films (as my daughter seems to think). Or not. Almost probably definitely not. But if I’m a smoker then the only thing on offer to me now are things like Daily Mail stories, shared on social media, telling me how ecigs contain “toxic substances such as embalming fluid and weed killer.”

There’s one thing condemning people to ignorance of something 95% safer than smoking, it’s another thing entirely when the bulk of permissible coverage is nothing but an outright lie. Right, time to find out what this whole Big Brother thing is…I hear someone did something incredible.