Monthly Archives: February 2020

Having been approached by the BBC, there is going to be a brand new series replacing the old cake-based venture. “We thought about the Great British Skate Off, a show for people who like fishing. Then we considered the Great British Break Off, a show for clumsy types,” said a TV spokesperson.

“But then we realised that a show aimed at a demographic of 2.8million vapers would rope in their friends and families – and so the idea of the Great British Vape Off was born.”

“Truth be told, we had already decided that we’d had enough of the old format. OK, 13.4 million watched the one about biscuits or whatever, but it was getting more stale than a bun in the sun.”

The Great British Vape Off will build upon everything that was good about the old show – soft innuendo. “It’s prime time Carry On fun without Barbara Windsor’s bikini top popping off,” the spokesperson added. “But obviously, if ratings begin to flag we’ll look into getting Babs’ baps on.”

So, how bug could this show be? Are there enough double entendres? “The potential is huge: ‘Put it in my mouth’, ‘Wrap my lips around this one’, ‘The last time I was gripping something this solid ‘ and comments like ‘And you can lick your own drip tip’ will have audiences flocking to the set,” the spokesperson explained.

TV whimsy in a tent!

When the production company approached us to see what we thought we told them it was already taking place. This year, we said, Vapefest attracted over 23 million people. We might have embroiled the figure slightly but everything we know about forecasts and estimates we learnt from The Apprentice. In fact, we have taken so much from Lord Alan’s show that we are thinking about renaming ourselves Team Awesome and selling fields of ponies.

Flushed with success from our involvement with this, we are currently in discussions about fronting up the new Top Gear (including more vaping), relaunching Top of the Pops (with vape in place of a smoke machine) and are submitting a proposal to do a Saturday morning kids show (giving away packs of sweet cigalikes). Nothing for anybody to complain about there.

Smoking was awesome. Smoking was everything. Everybody could afford to do it at 20p per pack of ten, and packs were for sale everywhere. If you couldn’t find them behind sheds on school playing fields there were vending machines bolted to walls in high streets. Packs were probably included in kits for new Mums as well. Not sure about the last one but it seems reasonable given everything else taking place at the time.

Unemployment soared as economic times bit hard and inflation rose like Lord Lambton’s appendage. The height of fashion was the donkey jacket, the car of choice was the Austin Allegro and the mullet was born.

But then there were Star Wars and Close Encounters. Apple computers, Ziggy Stardust, punk and Space Hoppers added colour and texture to ten years of change. And there were more cigarettes.

Youthful rebellion and a sense of immortality fed poor decision-making, like those who came before and followed on. But the truth was out about smoking and rates of people quitting suddenly grew, sales are taking a severe kick to the privates. If there was one thing Britain was beginning to learn then it was how to do a damn fine public health warning.

We learnt not to fall out of boats, not to talk to strangers and to always ALWAYS follow the country code. The Green Cross Code man gave way to the AIDS gravestones of the 80s. And, in what seemed like no time at all, Millennials were born. There is no point in public health campaigns now because the Millennials know everything already.

The trouble is, they were correct.

We don’t need public health campaigns educating the public about the dangers of smoking anymore. We don’t need to be told about emphysema, lung cancer or COPD. We know all about it because the Internet knows all about it. We don’t need the advertising agencies that create the campaigns and we certainly don’t need the experts who stand behind them collecting their fat cheques for stating the obvious.

We’re reliving the 70s because smoking is under attack like never before, but this time vaping is playing the part of Dave Prowse. In a Tie fighter. Those who got trapped by tobacco now have an enjoyable exit route – and for those who are experimenting, it is stopping them from taking up smoking in the first place. Vaping is Darth Vader cool but R2D2 honest.

Yes, it’s just like the 70s again. You can tell it is, just look at the England football team!

Having walked all the way down the high street, we discovered that our local police station closed in 1989 due to budget cutbacks or something. It came as a surprise to us to discover that all crime had been solved and there was no longer a need for police stations or, thinking about it, those people who used to work inside. It made us wonder where they find those police people that are always on Channel 5 fly-on-the-wall documentaries? Maybe that’s their full-time job now? And maybe they pay people to be criminals too? People who now have nothing to occupy their days since they stopped being villains for the police to chase?

And then we found one, PC Laura Binding. (Honestly, if no one finds that pun funny I’m going to give up doing this and see if C5 want to take up the option on my ‘Life as a bloke typing on a computer’ fly-on-the-wall documentary).

Laura Binding.

She’s a police officer.

Laura Binding the police officer.

Law abiding – Laura Binding. Oh for goodness sake, I give up.

We didn’t go for a walk, there isn’t even an ‘us’. It’s just me sitting here, making up stuff as usual, in an effort to pad out another article.

It’s because each week the latest stories in the media get scanned in an attempt to seek inspiration for a new article. It’s just that the only thing anybody has been talking about is clowns. There are ones with funny make-up waving knives outside Primary schools, ones fighting each other in the European Parliament, ones trying to become the president of America and ones trying to make out vaping should be severely regulated as it poses untold unproven dangers.

Under normal circumstances there would be a link here to the interview given by Stanton Glantz to Regulator Watch. We’d offer up the opportunity for others to get as angry at them as we were, but then it seemed like a bit of a horrible thing to do.

It’s Friday. Most of you will have spent the week working industriously and are looking forward to a weekend of smiles coupled with alcohol and curry abuse. The last thing you need is Glantz gurning through your monitor as he explains that his mission in life is to “just tell it like I see it!”

What is exceptionally obvious is that this man is going out of his way to say things that vested interests would like him to say, not what he sees. For example, he has seen the Public Health England report, the Royal College of Physicians report and the recent Cochrane Review.

Quite how the man can blindly ignore the weight of evidence is beyond me – just one more clown who has really annoyed me this week. But unlike real actual genuine clowns, this one and the ones like him pose a serious risk to harm reduction and the health of millions of smokers. Channel 5 should do a program about it.

Laura Binding though, eh? Laura Binding.

Not allowed to vape at a sports venue? Banned from having a quick blast at work? No longer thanks to Stealthvape’s body augmented vaping designs. With the flip of a subcutaneous switch, located a finger-press away on your palm, vaping will be part and parcel of breathing – and this isn’t something they can throw you off the 9:15 from Bristol Temple Meads for.

Some might say, “That looks painful”. Others might add, “That looks expensive”. While both of those points of view are very true, just think of the benefits.

By incorporating vaping equipment into body tissue means that you never need to buy a battery again. Charging takes place through the harnessing of mitochondrial energy – never has there been a better reason to eat a curry.

Whether the juice is supplied though an external pack or accommodated within a buttock is wholly up to you. Maybe there is another part of the body you’d like to extend to hold a long 30ml bottle? We can modify to suit thanks to Stealthvape’s top bank of plastic surgeon specialists.

Hang on, you’re thinking, how can I adjust the vape? The one thing you don’t have to worry about is another operation. All settings will be controlled through a handy downloadable phone app.

The settings can be adjusted from cloud blowing, high enough that you could hire yourself out to nightclubs and rock festivals, all the way down to accommodating vape-free vaping. It will now be possible for you to gain a nic-fix in court, A&E or while flying a 757 (even if you give the impression you’re in training for a sucker fish lookalike competition).

It doesn’t stop there. Joy of joys, the phone app interface allows users to virtually vape at work. That’s correct – no vape vaping. A slide of a finger sends a virtual plume of vape out on the screen, totally obscuring that annoying person in your meeting (because doing it for reals would cause a kerfuffle).

Clearly, there are further advantages to adamantium vape augmentation. Being the stuff of superheroes is no longer the preserve of comics as vapers can elect to have the Platinum package installed, which includes Wolverine-like bones and optional claws – useful for fighting crime AND cutting cotton wicks to size.

Needless to say this is going to be exceptionally popular and so we suggest getting your name on the waiting list as soon as possible. The future is augmented body vaping, and the future is (as some American chap used to say) now.

Images – Fernando Vicente
 

Chemicals

The average cigarette contains over 5,000 chemicals including ammonia, arsenic, tar, napalm, nerve gas, asparagus, cardboard, gravel, members of My Chemical Romance, small rodents and roll-on deodorant.

By contrast, eliquid contains just seven ingredients: vegetable glycerin, propylene glycol, water, unconditional love, sloppy kisses, custard and essence of pizza.

Safety

While Public Health England believe vaping to be at least 95% safer than smoking, research carried out by top boffins at the Dog & Duck, Wellingborough, proves that the precise figure is 102.3% safer.

The list of common daily activities that vaping is now officially safer than includes: gargling concentrated sulphuric acid, attempting to discuss Brexit on social media, living in the Big Brother house, a two-week summer holiday in Syria, suggesting the mother-in-law does not come to visit and a Black Friday sale in Asda.

Choice

There are now more flavours, atomisers and mods than actual vapers. If you were to try every combination it would be quicker to circumnavigate VY Canis Majoris. But cooler.

In our experience this also acts as a great deterrent for teens. On any given evening, providing a teen with a choice of what they want for supper is often met with huffs and sulks because that list didn’t include McBurgers. Teens hate choice therefore teens will be driven away from wanting to vape.

Social

Although it ‘s been estimated that there are about 2.8-million vapers in the UK, actually figures we’ve made up reveal there are actually 56 million. We can exclusively reveal that the only reason Martin McKee, Stanton Glantz and Simon Chapman bang on about vaping dangers is to force a price drop so they can boost their personal collections.

Smokers who quit for vaping have discovered a vibrant social community. The typical number of friends gained is approximately 52. Some new vapers have experienced such problems with gaining new chums that they have had to take out personal loans to afford the freshly extended Christmas card list. Vapers are very, very popular.

Money

Everybody knows that vaping is cheaper than smoking, but what people don’t appreciate is exactly how much cheaper. The average smoker now spends more a week on their tobacco habit than an addict spends on crystal meth. By contrast, vaping equipment has plummeted in cost so it’s now as cheap as a “model” on a TV reality show. Plus, all the old models of devices that people use will be snapped up in the future at auction by rich collectors. Vaping is like the new stamps.

Oh yes, these are the facts.

Vapers love vaping, and that’s more of a fact than anything Donald Trump has ever claimed to be a fact. Ecig owners share pictures of their equipment more frequently than sexual deviants on specialist forums. But like holidaymakers at a naturist campsite, it’s time to get it all out in the open.

Imagine the scene, there are only days remaining before the country indulges itself in its favourite bank holiday pastime – arguing in a stationary car on a motorway while rain gently obscures everything from existence. But instead of not quite getting to the seaside or the Chessington World of Soft Leather Furnishings next year, why not come and almost visit Stealthvape’s Vape Museum of Vaping (for vapers)?

Clearly, as this is just another in a long list a ridiculous ideas we concocted on the back of a beer mat, this doesn’t actually exist yet – but it will. It doesn’t matter either way, as the road network will put pay to any plans of actually arriving. As the hours gently roll by while you wait for the BMW driver to get back into his car and move forward three inches, punctuate the back seat bickering by regaling tales of the wonders waiting inside the SVMoF(FV).

Marvel at the wall of CE4 atomisers. It’s like a hall of mirrors but not quite as much fun. Make sure you give yourself enough time to take in the full glory of the presentation that will speak to your soul. It will say something like “why am I standing here staring at this nonsense?” But you, being a vaper, will reply out loud: “This is our history, this is where we come from – this is like gazing into the Big Bang. Only with slightly less background radiation.” We promise to move that lump of uranium out of the building as soon as possible.

Moving through to the Room of Debate, wonder at the table in the centre of the room. Seated around it is a group of performance artists, recreating the great online clone vs. original debates. Over the years, marvellous constructs of logic have been used to convey deeply held beliefs. We felt it would be a terrible shame for them to be lost in time. Keep a special eye out for the purist in the corner who is ignoring everybody because he is better than the others. Do not try to talk to him, he will snub you.

Then, after signing the disclaimer, enter Short-circuit land. Picture the glee plastered all over the faces of your little ones as they gawk upon a person desperately trying to have a vape – but failing. Doesn’t he realise his mod has automatically cut out? No, no he does not. Oh the hilarity, oh the family bonding that will result from shared mirth. *If you do not have little ones of your own we have a range available for rent at very affordable prices.

All this and more, the SVMoF(FV) promises to be probably the greatest thing you will ever visit. Better than a Little Chef all-day breakfast, more fun than watching rain drops coalesce on a window – it will change the lives of all who come.

Firstly, welcome back the 70s with some big hair. Resembling Cousin Itt might have gone out of fashion in the Noughties but the possession of a personal, portable hide can’t be overstated. Onlookers will take you for a shop display or a part of a hilarious Channel 4 comedy show instead of a vaper. Balding gents might wish to consider a luxurious wig – or maybe cultivate a large beard to comb backwards.

Fancy dress offers many possibilities, especially full animal suits. Not only does this offer you the potential to vape wherever you please but you are guaranteed to be a hit with stag and hen parties.

Stealth seekers ought to consider a full-face helmet. They are an absolute boon for the vaper who wishes to live on the edge but remain under the radar. Open visor, inhale, close visor, exhale – it really is that simple although we’d have to say that if your day-to-day job is astronaut then opening the visor is carried out at your own risk.

Camouflage can be a simple thing to pick up for beginners. Think about the colour of vape and match it to the background. If you stick to vaping by white walls, in chalk quarries or at a Donald Trump rally then nobody will notice you. The last suggestion isn’t advisable for Mexicans.

Vaping in clouds would be ideal but currently only applies to creative pilots, but it highlights the notion of “Location, location, location”. Stuck in town? Need a quick vape? Pop into a cheesy disco billowing clouds from a machine. Failing this, a prompt career change to become a hillside farmer tending sheep means you’ll spend your days surrounded by mini land-based portable clouds. For those stuck in cities the same effect might be possible by becoming a poodle walking service.

To avoid any cost, why not consider just changing your routine? Become a Goth, a vampire or a road repair worker (these are not mutually exclusive) and live life to the fullest at night. Vaping will be a cinch in the dark although it does present problems if you need to fill a tank or fit a new coil.

Finally, you could learn to do magic really well like Gandalf or Harry Potter. There must be some kind of spell to make vape clouds invisible. Plus, being a bit Gandalf has an added advantage – big beards. Combine this with camouflage, a full-face helmet and dog walking in a disco and no one will look at you twice. Job done.

Please feel free to share your success stories with us on our Facebook page.

Dear parents, pupils, staff and the visiting team from Ofsted,

Firstly, let me welcome you all to the start of the new year, one in which I hope you all go on to demonstrate higher levels of excellence compared to last year. While some might claim this is easy to achieve, I would like to point out that the deputy head (Mr Jenkins) is sticking to his story that the locked cupboard containing last year’s exam papers really did spontaneously combust – rendering all of Year 11 with unclassified grades. As he previously worked as a magician and children’s entertainer we defer to his expertise on such matters.

Our plans for the winter trip to France is in full swing, thanks to Mrs Ling (Geography and afterschool cap-wearing club). Students going on the educational excursion will be visiting the historic town of Calais. Accommodation will be in an assortment of three-star tents, rather excitingly described as being located “in a jungle”. Parents should allow £100 per child in spending money. They will be given an opportunity to go shopping for alcohol, cigarettes and flick knives on the Thursday afternoon. Children should remember that they will be representing us all during the trip and so vaping is not permitted.

The cricket 1^st XI will be pleased to hear that we have been able to repair the pavilion, accidentally razed to the ground following the record defeat to the Blaggers Borstal XI. We would like to remind parents that leaving batteries charging next to the propane tank is prohibited for future fixtures.

In a similar freak incident, eliquid making classes are experiencing disruption following an incident with several large jars of chlorine in the chemistry laboratory. I am sure the whole school joins me in sending best wishes to Mr Rathbone. We are willing you on to a speedy recovery; I hear they do amazing things with artificial lungs now.

Finally, I am going to take this opportunity to remind pupils that we would not have a school were it not for Stealthvape Ltd sponsoring the establishment. While desks and chairs made from Kanthal would not be our first choice, they are highly functional and very resistant to graffiti. Mr Knowles, our hard working and probably background-checked caretaker, is busy gluing packs of Muji and Cotton Bacon to the seats. We expect the work to be completed by the Easter break so grin and bear it until then.

Best regards,

The Head.

We thought it might be so we contacted Jimmy Slaphead, Britain’s foremost expert on public health experts, a public health expert expert if you will. Jimmy studied public health experts at the University of Readingstuffonline and has published many papers on the subject.

“It’s true,” our public health expert expert told us. “There is frankly precious little in the research world about the possible impact public health experts have on our daily lives. It’s almost as if they are hiding something and being abetted by a secret society bent on concealing the truth.”

“The first thing that gave the game away for us was the total lack of warnings being given out by the media. Public health experts say things so stupid that reading it would drive people to try to crack their heads with a door – and yet this cause and effect relationship is never reported in the national media.”

“So, we approached several pharmaceutical companies for funding to look into the phenomena. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly if you understand what is going on, they refused. Each one. Even without having to do any further investigation it was clear that Big Pharma didn’t want this reporting.”

Slaphead’s team followed several public health experts on Twitter, and then recorded events taking place afterwards. The team set to work when Martin McKee made a daft statement about ecigs and drugs.

“Within seconds, my lead assistant released gas,” Jimmy said. “Then Jenny the office administrator guffed. Running outside and into the nearest public convenience, it was clear there was a major outbreak of wind.”

The team searched every scientific paper ever published yet not one offered up anything to say that Martin McKee’s stupidity wasn’t linked to public outbreaks of flatulence.

“We were shocked how deep it got. We carried on looking, running coffee-fuelled all-nighters.”

The next target was Stanton Glantz.

“Do you appreciate how many people in California suffer from piles because of the garbage this man spouts? We’ve no idea because there’s absolutely no information gathered on the topic. Nothing, Nada. Diddly squat. Yet again, we stumbled across something really important and the public are not being warned.”

Simon Chapman and ingrowing toenails, Mark Drakeford and outbreaks of halitosis; the list kept getting longer and longer. The indications were overwhelming; there is nothing to prove that listening to or reading the pronouncements of these experts is in any way safe.

“There’s no evidence to say there’s no link, there’s no proof of safety, so we are advocating that the only sensible measure anybody can take is to follow a strong precautionary principle approach: The only safe way forward is to ignore them all.”

Maybe you are a DIY fiend who adores making litres of juice at a time to feed your cloud habit? Maybe you have bags of wire and wick cluttering up the room? Perhaps you own a stack of devices but aren’t bothered about how they’re stored – you just need them out of the way quickly? Then how about the new Stealthvape non-acrylic bucket of heaven: Following months of design work we believe we’ve perfected something to provide instant benefit to the busy vape desk. Crafted from the finest eco-friendly zinc and fitted with a multi-positional handle to aid in relocating the storage container to different rooms, we are certain this will go down well with light to medium users.

But some vapers, especially those who have been vaping for a couple of years, will have built up a reasonably extensive collection. For them we offer up the Stealthvape Kickable Placement, or SKiP for short. In the SV SKiP you’ll find ample storage options for all but the most demanding of users. The SKiP also doubles up as a handy spare bedroom if the in-laws pop by to visit unexpectedly. Thinking green, as we always do, the SKiP is fully recyclable. Just waz it into your nearest blast furnace and it can be part of the new M1/A14 interchange – what could be more environmentally friendly than that?

Of course, a small number of you will look at the SKiP and say: “It’s good, it’s very good, but I may need more than one and that would be an inconvenience.” We hear what you’re saying. The Stealthvape Storage Hire Solutions Container will meet your expectations, surpass them and then fly round for a second go and surpass them even more. It was built with the acrylic car cup mod holder and the acrylic vape stand‘s in mind, and can accommodate them internally or externally in conjunction with some Stealthvape vape tables.

Although we do not support aftermarket uses such as the importation of illegal substances, weapon storage or the hiding of kidnap victims, many satisfied owners have discovered a plethora of alternative ways to maximise their enjoyment from the SVSHS Container – we know you’re going to adore using it.

Perhaps you won the lottery and rashly spent it all on vape gear? Maybe you have one single special device you’d like to focus on in a large empty space? Possibly you work for an intelligence service and need to vape in a location free of bugging devices? Perchance Brad Pitt is popping round for a vape, chat about his failed marriage and drink but the house is still awash with empty pizza boxes and used tissues? The ultimate in Stealthvape storage solutions is the easy to erect building. We designed it so just one man can fully assemble the structure (in two weeks with the aid of a team of workmen and some industrial equipment *not supplied).