Monthly Archives: February 2020

Yes, vaping is better than smoking. Vaping is better than lung cancer, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, heart disease and strokes. It’s better than asthma, premature and underweight babies. It’s better than diabetes, cataracts and age-related macular degeneration. Vaping is better than colon, cervix, liver, stomach and pancreatic cancer – in fact all of the secondary cancers that accompany the primary smoking-related cancer.

Vaping is better than having clothes that stink, halitosis, yellow fingers and gum disease. It’s better than the need to stand outside your back door in the rain or live in rooms full of overflowing ashtrays. Vaping is better than sucking down acrid smoke because vaping means rediscovering flavour, delicate sweet flavour.

Vaping is the freedom offered by a motorbike when motorways have become gridlocked. It’s a group that writes and plays its own music in a world full of company conveyor-belt boy and girl bands. It’s an underdog scoring the 89^th minute winner in the FA Cup final. It’s catching the perfect wave, not dropping a stitch, landing a catch, holding the pose and completing the crossword.

Smoking is the sweary TV chef who cries, the weird TV chef in a cottage with few friends, the TV chef by the sea who charges too much for fried fish and the (frankly bizarre) TV chef who makes food out of concrete and Lemsip. Smoking is all of those ridiculous people – vaping is Mary Berry. Sweet, loveable Mary Berry.

Vaping is getting a brilliant exam grade although you didn’t bother revising. It’s giving up on relationships and then literally bumping into a soul mate on the bus. It’s getting an email from the National Lottery letting you know you’re a winner.

Because you are a winner. You won the second you made the decision to switch away from smoking. You won seconds, then minutes – and then hours. Life began stretching out in front of you once more.

It carries risks, but risks that are almost 1/100^th of those posed by the old habit. It poses greater harm to a healthy bank balance more than anything else due to vaping’s “gotta collect ‘em all” nature. It reduces harm. If smoking is a bloody mixed martial arts scrap, vaping is a bedroom pillow fight at a teenage girl’s sleepover. It’s an electric-powered bicycle versus a Penny Farthing.

The biggest problem facing current smokers is that they believe the lies spouted by pharmaceutical company shills. They believe those lies and ignore the simple truth that vaping is better than smoking. Vaping is healthier than smoking: we say it, experts say it, and the PHE/RCP/Cochrane reports say it.

That is correct: running low on juice or suddenly seeing your only battery is almost out of charge, and you can’t get to replacements. Let’s be clear here, this isn’t the same as actually being out of juice or power. When you are out it’s all over, the job is done, there’s nothing you can do. It’s the difference between playing a game on your tablet when the ship’s shield are getting low and the waves of aliens are pummelling you – and game over. The anxiety is all in the anticipation.

Do I turn down the power for a poorer vape, just to eek some extra life out of this cell? Do I take fewer and shallower puffs to make the juice last? Do stop for the moment and save it all for when I’m gagging? All these questions flood the mind – as well as the nagging anger that you failed to bring a spare for the spare. Something this trivial has the potential to ruin a perfectly good day, turning a Friday afternoon into a Monday morning.

This is why we thought about creating the Stealthvape Vape Booth™.

That’s correct, it’s a solution for everybody who experiences a time out with his or her vaping equipment. When the atty begins to gurgle, when the red light replaces the green one on the power bar, hasten yourself to the nearest Stealthvape Vape Booth™ operator.

For busy localities in town and city centres, we have an operator-controlled unit that comes with a variety of mouthpieces, each one sterilised after use. It caters for fussy vapers by incorporating an extensive range of flavours and nicotine strengths. Settle in, vape and relax.

For quieter places, a self-operated Stealthvape Vape Booth™ will be placed in a convenient location such as a village hall. You will need to insert a prepayment card and make your selection on the keypad. Prepayment cards can be topped up online or using the debit card slot on the booth.

Both types of units hold a capacity to last for over eighteen months. Vapers can pay per visit (by the puff or hour) or, for your convenience, take out a monthly subscription. With the latter option you’ll never have to worry about taking kit out with you ever again. Pocket spaces will be freed up, and bags will be able to fit in at least three more hairbrushes and a packet of tissues. Your life will be your own again, not tied to the fear of a vapeless planet.

As ever, Stealthvape is doing the thinking so you don’t have to.

Sea is usually found near the shore. It wasn’t this week, it was flying over the top of it and onto the land. It was like rain, but skipping several water cycle steps. The impact was devastating; it was impossible for people (who live near the seaside) to go to the shops without being accosted by a television or radio journalist.

Thanks to a drop in air pressure, and journalist standards, what used to be called a very windy day has now been renamed a “weather bomb”. The wind (must be foreign as it’s coming from across the sea) has become a weather terrorist bent on causing destruction to our way of life. You know it’s as serious as it could get because the Met Office has declared this worthy of an Amber Alert, the most colourful of alerts.

It’s not just the things Doris the Air Bomber is doing, journalists are also imagining ways she will mess us up in the future. Upcoming storm facts, if you will. Or, if you prefer, fiction presented as journalism. Some are predicting that Doris will force Labour voters to stay away from the ballot box in Stoke.

It’s the new age, it’s a time where we don’t have to bother with stupid inconveniences like facts any longer. What? You don’t want to like something? Well simply go ahead and make some stuff up. Traffic jams are caused by the decline of the cooked breakfast. Ant and Dec are responsible for the delays in A&E departments.

Oh, and kids have invented a new, horrific way of doing drugs – it’s called “Dripping”.

Dripping, that newest of new things. That thing where they “drop liquid directly ONTO THE COIL”! Oh you stupid, stupid kids – how could you? Not directly onto the coil for flip sake. Don’t you know that it causes cancer? It must do because this lobotomised pair of space cadets say so; we don’t need no research education. They are “hacking” the e-cigarette to “get stronger hits” and it’s “incredibly dangerous”, so says Rebel Circus.

It’s not just these minor league new media outlets, the traditional press fell for the shock and fear agenda as well. USA Today, Fox, and the Mail all covered this nonsense research. There is one hope: maybe Storm Doris could blow away the people who write such garbage.

In consecutive weeks of the New Year, three papers have been published that deal with the subject of a gateway effect. The first, published in the Addictive Behaviours journal, is called Electronic cigarette use and uptake of cigarette smoking: A longitudinal examination of U.S. college students.

Although the study discovered that there is an increased likelihood of vaping teens going on to experiment with cigarettes, it revealed the simple truth that teens vaping does not mean they go on to become full-time smokers: “Current e-cigarette users at baseline were no more likely to progress to current smoking than young adults who were not using e-cigarettes.”

It’s the weakest of the three studies, but it still confirms that vaping is no predictor of future smoking behaviour. The second offers much stronger affirmation, and comes from The Centre for Substance Use Research in Scotland.

Visible Vaping: E-Cigarettes and the Further De-Normalization of Smoking was published in the International Archives of Addiction Research and Medicine.

96% of the young people taking part in the study were able to distinguish between vaping devices and traditional tobacco cigarettes, and expressed absolutely no desire to smoke. Is there a gateway? “If anything,” said the lead researcher, “the results of this study show the opposite is true. Vaping is making smoking less interesting for non-smokers.”

The third study was conducted in Canada, where public vaping has been under attack. Clearing the Air: A systematic review on the harms and benefits of e-cigarettes and vapour devices is available online from the University of Victoria website.

The researchers were unambiguous in their findings: “There is no evidence of any gateway effect whereby youth who experiment with vapour devices are, as a result, more likely to take up tobacco use. The available evidence is that tobacco use by youth has been declining while use of vapour devices has been increasing”.

One of the two lead researchers went on to add: “Fears of a gateway effect are unjustified and overblown. From a public health perspective, it’s positive to see youth moving towards a less harmful substitute to tobacco smoking’.

There’s only one gateway involved with vaping – and that’s the one-way route away from tobacco smoking.

Seeing as we’re looking back at what was, it’s appropriate that we start with the time we looked even further back in time. All because some idiot thought the Fortuna SubOhm Tank would be a great idea. It remains as clever as Leicester selling Kanté, Samsung using that exploding battery or having held a belief that the Chilcot report would change anything.

Halfway through the year we believed that Brexit would or wouldn’t change vaping, and that the TPD (as it stands) will restrict smokers’ access to the truth about swapping to ecigs. How can we overcome this obstacle? “It’s us – we are the sexy advert. Everywhere we go, everything we do, we’ve got to exude the very essence of sexy. Now, for you and me it’s going to be pretty easy. We are sexy beasts.”

Consequently, maybe it’s time to preserve the present, we thought to ourselfves. Maybe it’s time to get busy with the Stealthvape Vape Pot™. It was the moment when industry experts sat up and nodded in unison, they understood why we hold a sterling reputation for delivering ground-breaking products and inventing new segments of the market.

We stood should to shoulder with the poor women and men who’ve spent every penny they own on developing a ridiculous vape collection. And we lined up next to those who can no longer afford to augment their current array of devices. We care, and that’s why there’s now a Home for Vapers.

Then men chased a football in France, women in shorts grunted on Wimbledon courts and lots of people cheated while running about and jumping a bit in Brazil. We can do that, we decided. But we can do it better: the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon.

We wrote to the Department of Health to point out that they could reduce spending but still reduce smoking rates and improve the health of the nation. Unfortunately, Jeremy Hunt did not turn up to our meeting in Hooters so we drank the sangria ourselves. Not stopping there, we also contacted the Ministry of Defense with some brilliant ideas about doing war on the cheap – all thanks to vapers. The letter wasn’t just another poor excuse to go to Hooters again. That would have been sad.

Maybe the augmented vaping idea wasn’t brilliant. Maybe the plans for the Museum of Vaping hadn’t been fully thought through. Maybe. But our Efficacy of Vaping Survey was a blinding success. Thirty brief questions, with only one mistake from the fool who typed them in, the Stealthvape Efficacy Survey produced some fantastic information and was covered by a number of other people.

Whatever happens in the big world, we hope that the end of the year finds you happy and healthy – and we wish that for you and yours going into 2017. Have a great New Year.

Stealthvape’s new Ladybits eliquid featured in an early January tale about anger and a vaper’s inability to be social on social media. It was part of a range we thought the world was shouting out for, because some bedroom brewers don’t seem to be able to care how vaping is perceived. Obviously, we never sold any Stealthvape Junior Juice eliquids to underage vapers. We gave it away at baby showers. Or did we? (We didn’t). Or didn’t we?

We formed the The National Union of Apathetic Vapers in February. Well, we would have done but there was little interest and we couldn’t be bothered. Which automatically made us all life members. It couldn’t last. As the inevitability of the impending TPD rose up, we cast our collective hive mind to hope and future-proofed vaping. Given the rise of Trump the ideas all seem a bit prescient now.

As the month wore on, we warned vapers about the unexplained dangers of vaping. One minute you’re happily engrossed in coil winding, the next you are arriving at casualty clutching scorched thighs. It’s a simple step from patiently working to in-patient, which is why we then explored E-cig Ban. We spoke to Professor Simon Cashback and Timothy Frothingatthemouth when nobody else would. We spoke to Martin McPies when nobody else wanted to.

It was a natural progression to explore vaping on the go. So we did. Not for the first time, we thought the unthinkable to provide the solutions other lesser folk would consider unworkable.

It’s the knack we have for getting under the skin of the previously unconsidered that stands us in front of others in the queue for life’s bathroom. It’s a product of travelling the B-roads of the mind that convinced people to consult us with their problems in Auntie Stealthvape Replies. *On the advice of our lawyer, we would like to point out that we did not encourage Mr Foxy Knickers to do the thing he was sent down for.

This is the same person who gave us legal advise after we uncovered the secret choreographed script for the forthcoming Commons ecig debate. No matter what Mr Peter Xenophobe claims in the Evening Telegraph, the judge found in our favour (and we’re still waiting for 73 of the 2,000 rubber duckies we were awarded).

There may be no “I” in Team but there is “Vagina Temp“, “Mega Van Pit” and  “Anti Amp Veg” in Team Vaping. This is why we opened up The Stealthvape Corporate Fun Team-Building Activity Centre, on the edge of the delightful Thurrock Business Park.

Visionaries? Us? Of course, we absolutely agree with you – after all, who else would have created Stealthvapeonburyexpotacular? We knew that the vape scene was now very ‘scene’ with all the hiphopsters and beardymen. So we contracted the very best musical acts. People marveled at the giant sounds of Little David, Jerry Wallace playing every single one of his big hit and nobody played a mean polka quite like Whoopee John.

We created a movie about vaping, explored the social nuances of library vaping, and (in a ground breaking piece of investigative journalism) broke “The Truth about the Vape Industry“.

Barely a quarter of 2016 completed, we had accomplished so much. We created a much fairer system for online vape competitions. Unfortunately, despite being stunningly fair, it transpired that everyone entering wasn’t up to the task so no one won.

Then we invented a motivational program for people looking to quit – creating original products into the bargain. First up, The Stealthvape VapeMate Safe. It’s like a normal safe but six times better. Then, the revolutionary Stealthvape Vapemate Nonvapecig. It looks like a mod and atomiser, it has a colourful liquid in the tank, but press the button and nothing happens. People call us geniuses and we’d struggle to argue with them.

But then came the all-things-to-all-people Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers â„¢. A product so stunning that people were lost for words – and when they found those words it was too late because we’d gone off for chips. Chips for days, like you find in the awesome tricky box.

We mourned Mark Drakeford’s passing in May, and gave Wales a whole bunch of ideas of things they could crack down on instead of vape. So popular was our idea that car indicators should be replaced with cuddly Charlotte Church dolls that it’s rumoured VTTV’s Dave Dorn has relocated to Swansea. He loves Charlotte Church that much.

A tale was told about a man’s valiant attempts to cut down to zero nic. We didn’t mention it, due to it occurring in real time, but it failed. Our hearts go out to John. Err, Dave. Umm, no, John.

As the year’s clock struck six, we gave you all a new solution to selling online AND a free-range range of vape products. Such a fun-packed six months that there are those who demand: “Where on earth do you get all of these ideas?” Simple, we steal them from the Dark Net, it’s got something like 19 times the ideas the normal internet has. That and we don’t go out much.

It isn’t easy, we empathise. It’s a hazard-strewn trail from waking to downing the last bottle of Baileys – and that’s not even factoring in the non-stop begging adverts coming from the television. That said, we believe in helping people who really, genuinely need assistance. And do you know who those people are? It’s you, that’s who.

Each year people give you a collection of things that will either serve no function in your life, or offend you to the very core of your being if you gaze upon them. “Easy”, some say, “I’ll just pop them on eBay, lob them at the tip or palm them off to other people next year.”

A simple solution could be a trip to the tip experience. This is an experience unlike any of the decent ones you might have received during Yuletidemas. A trip to the tip currently (at a time when bin people reckon all of your extra festive rubbish will magically be sorted out by David Blane) is like an adventure into a post-apocalyptic nightmare. There’s queues, a bearded man in a hat shouting at you, more queues, and the macho posturing as each person attempts to lob their stuff to the end of a skip and only manages to get it just over the wall. And queues. Trust us, it’s hell.

So, eBay then? While this might seem to be a simple solution to a simple problem we need to caution you that nothing in life is simple – just look at people standing in a fast food restaurant queue. Over the last twenty years there has been no revolution in the fast food menu. The few burgers listed on it are the same as they’ve always been: burger, cheeseburger, double cheeseburger, fat burger, fat burger with cheese, tall burger, fish burger (“that will be five minutes, sir, we’ll bring it to you in half an hour”) and chuck burger.

It all seems so simple but you can guarantee you’ll spend a frustrating time standing behind people who have no idea what they want – every single bloomin’ time. Gifts are the same.

You are not the only person using eBay. The person who gave you that present uses it too. And they are going to see your selfishness displayed in your advert. And, if not, they will find out from Uncle Bob that you palmed stuff off on him because they’ll see his advert next year. It just makes you a horrible person attempting to profit from your selfishness. No, we say, don’t be that person – let us profit from your selfishness and we’ll be the horrible person for you. Yes, this is where we come in, with Stealthvape’s unwanted gift service.

So, here’s you sat in front of a litre of juice that won’t be used. It’s because your family haven’t bothered to note your long-standing hatred of all things mango. Even the name irks you. They should know that but they couldn’t be bothered. Scientists could take bananas and fuse them with grapes…but if they called the frankenfruit “the new mango” it would guarantee you’d jump off a pier.

And that mod? Didn’t they appreciate you’ve already got one of those and wanted the one with a screen you could personalise? The sods. But if you get caught getting shot of it you know it will all be you that’s at fault.

What does our service offer? All you need to do is package the unwanted items, write our address on the label and pay for postage – we take care of everything else and guarantee that you’ll never be troubled by the stuff again. The only thing we ask is that you don’t use the service for getting shot of tat, just nice stuff. Preferably expensive. Thank you.

What’s the purpose of Stealthvape Tours and Travel, you are asking yourself. Quite simply, it offers exactly the same kind of tour and travel service that you could find from any other tour and travel company. Except it’s for vapers. To date you will have had to arrange your holiday by speaking to people who probably didn’t vape, and travel on buses, trains and planes that were operated by non-vapers.

Then, upon arriving at your destination, you would be greeted like Michael Gove at Boris Johnson’s birthday party. Or, just for balance, as welcome as Jeremy Corbyn at Tony Blair’s trip to Carpet Supacentre. “Vapoteur? Non, monsieur,” says the genial host at your vacation centre. “Mais non! C’est un place locale for the population locale.”

The world is splitting in two; there are places where vaping is positively welcomed and places where it is banned. We know those places. Well, we know some of them and we’ve constructed everything from short breaks to full blown tours to explore them.

Fancy an inner city vape break? Our five star tent beckons from a luxurious East Midlands roundabout, handy for Nottingham city centre shopping and all of the vape-friendly places it contains. Martin may look dishevelled, he would be given that we turfed him out of his tent, but he is a font of knowledge and is willing to act as your concierge for two bottles of super-strength cider and a fish supper.

But you want more, right? You fancy combining vaping with extreme thrills. In days gone by, adventure seekers would go to the places the Foreign Office advised against. Well now you can do it from a vape perspective with our round the world ‘Banned’ tour.

Landing in California, you will be breaking the law from the minute you take your first puff until the moment you’re running back to the airport. Hop from there to Australia, to Singapore and then through other Far Eastern countries where vaping is considered worse than murder. Before you know it you’ll have a collection of arrest photographs to be proud of and a story for every vape meet back home.

It’s not been easy setting up the range of activities Stealthvape Tours and Travel can now offer, and they aren’t cheap either – but then nothing worthwhile is. Just make sure you don’t leave it too late, bookings are anticipated to come in thick and fast as the drudgery of January blurs into a miserable February.

Our first prediction was a miss. Oddly, we felt that the Tobacco Products Directive would drive doctor Konstantinos Farsalinos out of a job. We felt the directionless chap would balance a part-time career at Greggs with a night time hobby taking on celebrities in bare-knuckle fighting bouts.

It saddens us deeply that rather than slapping Brad Pitt seven shades of silly, behind the Wetherspoon in Kettering, Farsalinos managed to find enough to keep him occupied in his office. Will he keep up his regular attacks on the anti-vaping zealots during 2017? We’ve no idea until we open a bottle of rum and make up next year’s predictions.

Twelve months ago, when the past was nothing more than the future being peered at through a hangover, it seemed obvious that the Tobacco Products Directive would render YouTube vape reviews obsolete. Obvious to everybody -except those people who do them.

We were wrong – igetcha69 is not filling his time producing videos reviewing cross-stitch patterns in his little spare room. He seemed the type; it remains an avenue to explore, but no. Neither is Mark Toddy Todd devoting all of his waking hours to filling up stamp albums. It should be noted that we do not peer through their windows (not since the court order anyway) and they could be doing these things as hobbies to cope with the stress of vape videos. They probably are. That, or Morris dancing, or doing the painful water bottle challenge. We haven’t looked, but UK Vapers probably hasn’t been renamed and given over to discussion of all things Um Bongo either.

And what about our predictions for the vendors? Here we feel we were close to being correct. Like, if you predict some team will win at something – but they don’t – at least you managed to remember the name of the team. That ought to be impressive to other non-sports fans at the very least.

We felt that Jeremy Mean & the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) would amend legislation to force vendors to undergo costly and lengthy administrative procedures while wearing roller skates, a tutu and singing the theme tune to Happy Days. If you focus on the words “costly”, “lengthy” and “roller skates” you can see we nailed this prophecy.

We didn’t relocate to Zanzibar, Scopes Eliquid are not renting a unit on a trading estate in Syria and Manabush are not currently the country’s leading provider of lawn fertilizer. By dropping the word “wrong” from this sentence, we got 100%.

The 2017 predictions are set to be even better than 2016’s. We have been inundated for tickets for the gala evening, hosted by Les Dennis. We predict he’ll do that impersonation of the woman from Coronation Street. We’ll be correct again.

*Click* The torch is now on and shining up into my face. The only sound you can hear is that of the wood gently crackling in the fire. If you get scared then hold someone’s hand, if you need the toilet then only go in pairs because it might not be safe out there.

Our tale begins with five vapers in a car, late at night. They were heading to the cabin in the woods for a thematic vape meet, but the rain was coming down so fast it made reading the road signs impossible. Rounding the bend *bump*

What was that? Had they just driven over a possessed woman? Maybe it was the noise of a headless man on the roof of the vehicle? No, it was worse – you know it was really bad because now I’m whispering – the last (and only) 120ml bottle of juice had fallen on the floor and emptied! Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh!

The car swerved off the road. “We’ll have to make it through the woods on foot,” said the foolhardy one (who clearly didn’t have the patience to wait the four and a half hours till the RAC could get a recovery truck out).

“Wait, it would be better if we split up,” said the idiot (who has obviously never watched a single film in his life).

“Wait,” cried the third, “my atomiser tank is almost empty!” Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh!

I’m shrieking now, when I tell you the fourth person screamed: “Noooo! My battery meter shows that my 18650 cell is almost out of charge and I haven’t bought any spares!” Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh!

Suddenly, all around them, they could see lights appearing. Stationary, tiny lights. Only they weren’t lights at all, it was the reflection of the cars headlights bouncing off bouncing off what? Evil dolls eyes, that’s what. It’s incredible, isn’t it, that miles from anywhere, in what (on a sunny day) would be a lovely little wood for a walk or a picnic, some evil fly-tipper had dumped a load of broken dolls. Honestly, what goes through the mind of people like that who can’t be bothered to drive the five miles to the nearest council refuse centre? Anyway, I digress.

The silence of darkness became consumed with the sounds of slow shuffling and moaning. Time to time a twig would snap then the shuffling and moaning would continue. Surely this is the part in our story where zombies are rising up at the beginning of an apocalypse? No. It is nothing more than the percussion of our five friends, but then came the most terrible moan: “My vape tastes terrible, the wick is drying and the battery’s dying!”

Our party finally see a glint through the trees. Gasping, barely able to contain their relief that they’d made it, they fall upon the porch and push the creaky wooden door open.

There, inside on the table, a bottle of juice. Then, crying with happiness, they spy a battery charger. Laughter bubbled from relief as they lit the fire and made ready for a future once again.

This is the point where my torch lit voice drops one final time: The charger had an American socket. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!

Sleep safe.