Monthly Archives: February 2020

 

Nausea: The body has a natural defence against poisoning and that is to evacuate itself. This amazing inbuilt warning system prevents vapers from taking too much nicotine in. Take a break, keep up with your fluids and you’ll be right as rain in no time.

Headache: Again, a secondary symptom from taking on board a touch too much nicotine, the body will break it down naturally and all will be right with the world. Studies have linked cluster headaches to excessive nicotine consumption and noted benefits from limiting intake.

Running out of juice: So obvious and yet so common among new vapers: As you gain experience and develop a range of flavours you enjoy you will find you always have a range in stock. Remember that ‘next day‘ delivery might depend on the vendor meaning ‘the next day after I post it’ and that Royal Mail now has a liberal interpretation on what 1^st Class means.

This juice tastes nothing like the description: What you taste is a combination of how your receptors work in the tongue combined with what you smell. These are highly individual to you and studies have even linked variation in taste perception to age, status, gender and BMI.

What may taste like a ripe watermelon to one person may resemble five-month old carpet slipper to someone else. Buying sample sizes or trying juices in stores is the only way to identify what will work for you. Some vendors sell stock flavours from a large manufacturer with their own label. Some brands are made using standard flavourings. Some juice producers use natural extracts during manufacture. Online forums are a good place to hunt out suggestions and advice.

I can’t taste anything: Vaper’s tongue hits everyone now and then and comes from the taste receptors becoming bombarded with similar sensations over a period of time. Sometimes changing juice can work – and some people break out a mint or menthol flavour to clean their palette. Others swear by a brushing of the teeth and some mouthwash (to gargle with not to vape!) – swapping between your favourite flavours ought to prevent it from happening.

But I still can’t taste anything: How old is your head? Wicks and coils build up carbon deposits over time and this cuts down on the atomiser’s ability to vaporise liquid effectively and taste wanes. Popping in a new head or changing your wick after a dry burn will bring happiness back to your mouth.

Battery running out of charge: A battery is a little chemical powerhouse in a tube, different makes last for varying lengths of time. The quality of the battery also impacts how well it will perform and how long it will last. The number declaring its mAh indicates how long it will last – but some manufacturers fib like an estate agent describing a box room.

A battery is only good for so many recharges, the number depending on the quality of the device you are using. You might need to look for a battery mod with a higher mAh rating to suit your needs or if this is a recent event then a replacement might be called for. Remember that the chemicals contained in a battery are not ideal for the environment and you ought to dispose of unwanted ones at a recognised recycling point.

Hot hot hot hot: A hot device/battery means something has gone wrong very wrong. It might hurt to have to do this but it should be disposed of. The heat indicates a short and excessive current passing through the battery that will have changed its chemistry. It might carry on working when cooled down but the heat given out earlier means that it is unsafe to do so. Recycle the battery and see if you can identify why it happened – if you can not rule out the atomiser it might short out a second battery too.

More leaks than the Titanic: With time seals stop sealing and wicks become tired – addressing these two should sort 95% of problems experienced. If a new head or seal doesn’t solve your issues then it may be time to let that ship go down and go shopping for a new one.

Cloud chasing looks fun: Dirty Harry said, “A man’s got to know his limitations” – how did you do in GCSE Science? Batteries have limits; it is vital that you know what you are doing before trying to build your own coils, as a venting or exploding battery is not what anybody wants to see. Forums contain a wealth of experience to help you on your way.

Poverty: A tragic side effect of collecting lots of different coloured and shiny vaping things, there are solutions but most of them remain illegal.

Shelf space: The need to buy a shelving unit to accommodate your supplies of wick & wire, replacement heads and lumps of metal is a natural progression from the tried and tested toolbox. Wanting to move house in order to accommodate them in a bigger room probably indicates that you finally have enough.

Needing a second fridge: Not many sentences ago you ran out of juice and never had enough but now the family berates you for taking up three of the four shelves in the fridge with litres of wonderful flavours. If you notice your partner visiting a legal advisor or your children becoming emaciated then it might be time to consider one of those small beer fridges for the table top.

Getting wood: Do you find yourself wandering country lanes and exploring lay-bys for wood? Is your partner becoming tired of your obsession with racks? It is highly probable this, like the desire for more wall space, is a clue that you might need to move some of your gear along. No one wants to see you on one of those Channel 5 “Hoarders” TV programmes.

 

 

I used to consider myself pretty tech-literate. Admittedly that feeling began to fade when my son started caning me at Xbox but I still clung to the notion that while I retained the ability to code I could wear geek glasses with pride.

Bitcoin existed in my peripheral vision but on-going problems with PayPal (not to mention the dreadful new interface) have led me to believe it is time to explore new options. The recent adoption of bitcoins by major online merchants such as Expedia and Overstock peaked my interest.

Reported sales, in a recent Reuters article, paid for in bitcoin ran to less than 1% but it has lent the medium a greater general acceptance. Indeed, a representative of Expedia sees bitcoin as being a major player in online sales and they want to be on the ground floor.

So, what is bitcoin?

It is an online software-based payment system. Bitcoins are stored in a wallet with a unique identification number and there are companies who can hold the currency for the user. I have Hive now installed on my desktop but a lack of Internet (thank you Plusnet) is preventing me from having a play.

When you wish to buy from a website you click on the bitcoin option, a pop-up window will appear and you can type or copy-paste your wallet ID number.

What are the advantages of this? For the seller it means instant payment and low costs for the transaction – which, if it becomes even more popular, could in turn lead to vendors being able to be more competitive on price.

The drawbacks? There are a few at present: for a start there is none of the protection afforded by payment systems such as Paypal – if the vendor doesn’t ensure delivery or there is something wrong with the product there is no one to cry to. Also, as the payment to the vendor is converted into US dollars, the transaction is susceptible to a high volatility in bitcoin-dollar conversion rates. This volatility is produced bitcoin payment processors such as Bitpay and Coinbase, they sell on bitcoins to the market to offset there potential loss from holding too many if something went wrong.

It is this uncertainty that feeds into the slow uptake of bitcoins by the general public, coupled with payment systems that work and people’s love of credit cards. At the outset there were also concerns over the payment processors themselves but Bitpay and Coinbase both have a lot of venture capital stacked behind them.

Currently there are 63,000 merchants who accept bitcoin with a prediction of that rising to 100,000 by the end of 2014. Sales using bitcoin, from wallets held by BlockChain.info, run to around 75,000 transactions per day and have a value approaching $85,000,000. Those who use bitcoin tend to be tech-savvy, high net-worth individuals.

It is predicted that come the end of 2014 eight million of us will be holding bitcoin accounts. Without having to worry over transaction charges and lower exchange rates, with the wider incorporation of bitcoin cashpoints to come and protection from banks going bust or investing your money in dust maybe it is time to give bitcoin a closer look?

 

 

Alleles coding for steel, brass, something black and copper mix and intertwine producing little-capped phenotypes. All anyone needs for a successful harvest is plenty of juice to feed the crop with, a bit of cash to enrich the soil and an ability to forget what the last harvest was like. It is so predictable I’m beginning to feel Jean-Baptiste Pierre Antoine de Monet, Chevalier de Lamarck, had a point with his inherited characteristics theory.

Suffice to say I’ve been waiting for a development in dripping technology that makes me go wow. Something produced by thinking outside the seed box; something more than a deeper well or the ability to quad-coil. It doesn’t look like anything is going to spring up any time soon so I reckoned a few suggestions might be in order

The Razor Approach: science and technology have given men the ultimate in shaving technology at least seventeen times a year for as long as I can remember. The first step is to forget single and dual-coils – what we need are six, then eight then nineteen-coil drippers released in consecutive months.

The Wild West Approach: You’ve finished your beans, a gnarly guy dressed all in black enters the town and you need to take him and his gang out – you don’t want to spend hours reloading guns when you could be having all the shooting people dead fun. This is why the 6-shooter auto loader was invented. We, and by ‘we’ I mean ‘me’ require coil auto loaders. Pop some wire and wick in the top, press down and shazam! Instant wicks and coils pressed into place with no need for screwdrivers.

The On-demand Approach: Who bothers going to football matches anymore? Well, quite a few people. I’m not sure of the actual numbers but I’m betting it’s more than 1,023. That’s not important, what is key here is that loads more people like to be able to watch football from the comfort of their armchair where you can indulge yourself in abusive language, excessive drinking and food that tastes like food to your heart’s content. Sky need to build a Jodrell Bank of giant dripping atomisers with a network of pipes to every home in the UK. Order the juice using the controller, pull the mouthpiece from the vaping chair and toke away.

Let’s blue-sky this thing, all the previous ideas could easily be achieved now using current technology and a flagrant disregard for cost and practicality. But the genus Homo hasn’t got to where we are now (stuffed-crust pizza, pet rocks and Hello magazine) without looking to the future and doing some really stupid things.

The Star Trek Approach: Jim is on the bridge with Bones, Spock and the person without a name who won’t see out the episode. On the planet below something is amiss. Do they catch a bus? Do they wait for it all to blow over? Heck no – they jump on the matter transporter. Do I want to wait for my wick to carry juice to the coil? No. I want instant vapour. I want a transporter on the desktop that will carry juice directly onto the coil – not wicks, no leaks, leaving me to quiet vape contemplation about my Klingons.

The future is out there.

 

 

Standing at the side of the M4 waiting for a van to come and collect me, and the recently purchased Moto Guzzi (I really should have learnt from my experience of buying a previous Guzzi), won’t stop me getting a third. The rain had stopped falling on my waterproof jacket and was now proving that the manufacturer had taken liberties with the definition of the term waterproof. Maybe if they’d included the words ‘absorbent’ and ‘sponge’ they would have sold more? Maybe there’s a market for people who like to get and remain as wet as possible? I don’t know the answer to that; I haven’t completed any research into it. I can still close my eyes and picture the gravel and the roadside marker with water droplets forming rivulets randomly joining and shooting off at jaunty angles.

Sitting in the Sierra Estate, waiting to turn right into the petrol station forecourt, I hadn’t planned on having the car turned into a hatchback. When I woke that morning I didn’t make it my mission to catch my Old English Sheepdog as it flew from the back seat towards the window screen. I doubt the dog had planned on emptying its anal passage at that moment either.

Top tip: if you find that you are constantly being detained by the police and questioned for long periods of time try covering yourself in scared-dog diahorrea, you’d be amazed how quickly they complete their enquiries.

One fat Brit driving south on Highway 65 towards Mobile, Alabama; I noticed the absence of traffic, I noticed the trees, I even noticed and ignored the speed restriction signs. A shame I hadn’t taken time to find out why no one was about and people looked at me as if I was from another planet when I stopped for fuel and food. I put it down to my sparkling wit and dashing looks.

Top tip: If you are going to ignorantly drive headfirst into hurricane while on a road trip then make sure it’s one of the most devastating hurricanes to have ever struck Alabama.

The van driver who collected me from the motorway was a top bloke to chat to and I listened to his tales of broken machinery, the couple that took pity on the shit-stained sales rep and his trembling mutt were wonderful. They took us in, cleaned us up and made more cups of sugary tea than you could find at an Indian railway station. Those of us lucky enough to have experienced Hurricane Ivan, stranded in a bar in Greenville, would share the experience, the laughs and the conversation between total strangers but I suspect none of us were sober enough to remember it properly.

It’s all about the journey.

It’s not a mistake if it’s happenstance; it’s not a mistake if it’s a learning process. The older I get the more I come to terms with my limitations. When it comes to vaping it’s gennys and U-wicks.

Even I can’t look at that picture without laughing out loud, it’s abysmal. But, by the fourth attempt, I had begun to get something workable. The 300-grade mesh was wicking the liquid and the .23mm Kanthal did its job of not having hotspots. It doesn’t bother me that I’ve been contacted by a touring circus who wish to put it in their Hall Of Horrors, next to the bearded lady.

We are all at various stages of our journeys, my U wicks are roughly the same as my ability on the guitar and my garage is an every tool not a clue version. It doesn’t bother me because it all comes together with time and patience. If I hadn’t sheared the bleed nipple off my front brakes I’d not have had the conversation at the bike club. If I’d not had the conversation I’d not have been introduced to a bloke. If I’d not been introduced to the bloke I’d have missed out on 25 years of rock solid friendship.

Magazines and online articles won’t be having it, motorway service stations are full of books about all the mistakes you are making or about to make and how to avoid them. What is with a society that is constantly trying to guilt trip people into consumerist purchases? Especially that it is precisely those mistakes which will make you the person you are that I might meet in the future. I don’t regret anything because it’s all contributed to where I am now, knowing the people I know and living the life I lead – and I’m good with that.

I don’t make mistakes: I make life-enhancing opportunities. 😀

 

 

These tell you what you are entitled to expect by law and what come back you have with the vendor.

One of the important life-lessons I have learnt is that there is always someone smarter in the room (usually my wife) and that I am frequently wrong. It’s wise to remember this before making outlandish claims or exaggerating the problem. It’s no good telling them the atomiser took your arm off if, in reality, it only removed part of one finger.

As tempting as it is to send the vendor of your malfunctioning device a photograph of you, their favourite cuddly toy and a knife this should be reserved for the last roll of the dice. A proper law-type person would probably advise you not to do this either.

As humans we tend to treat people in the way we think they have treated us rather than how they think they’ve treated us. This can come as a shock to them, especially if you leap at them first thing in the morning from behind an email. Kicking off with threats of sending Esther Rantzen round and getting that funny Matt bloke from Rogue Traders involved will just provoke their primal fight or flight response.

If you consider your average vendor to be a simple-minded village dweller then you will know that to affect the best course of action is to talk softly, move slowly and maintain eye contact at all times. You can’t shout at a couple of century’s worth of inbreeding. (Well, you can but you may as well try holding your breath and standing on one leg.)

When graduating from Vendor School all candidates have to swear an oath to uphold the vendor’s code, which includes not adding ‘special things’ to your juice and to describe everything as giving ‘the best vape experience you will ever have, like, far better than from the thing we sold you last week. Honest.’

So, before breaking out the heavy guns, write a polite email/letter to your vendor explaining the problem clearly and asking them if they can do anything to help. This gives them a chance to solve the problem and keep your business. No animal faeces.

 

The Consumer Contracts Regulations 2014

These regulations came into effect from June, 2014, and they apply to any goods

1. A vendor can not charge you for additional items with a pre-ticked box on their website
2. You can cancel your order up to 14 days after receiving all of what you ordered
3. You are entitled to a full refund within 14 days of cancelling the order

What Must The Vendor Provide?

• A true description of the goods
• The total price of the goods (not the price without tax added)
• The cost of delivery
• Details about who pays the cost of returning the items if you cancel
• Details about your cancellation rights
• A standard cancellation form (although you don’t have to use it)
• Their name, address and landline phone number

*Note: If the vendor has not provided any of these then you should seriously consider not buying from them as they are acting in breech of the regulations.

• If the vendor has failed to provide all of the details given you have up to a year to cancel your order.
• The information should be provided on paper with your order and/or by email confirming your order – it can be provided over the phone if this is how you are placing your order if they don’t then you have a year in which to cancel the contract.

*Note: These regulations do not apply to vendors outside the UK

Cancelling Goods

You are entitled to a refund

• Within 14 days of the vendor receiving the returned goods, or
• Within 14 days of you providing evidence that the goods have been returned

whichever is the soonest.

The vendor can make a reasonable deduction if your handling them has reduced the value of the goods.

This means you are allowed to take it out of the box to examine it. The vendor cannot make a deduction just because you removed it from the packaging.

The vendor only has to refund the value of their standard shipping cost not the value you paid if you chose to upgrade the delivery option (e.g. to next day/Saturday delivery).

14 days is the minimum period you can have to cancel the contract, the vendor can extend this if they want to in order to give you more time.

Delivery

• The order must be delivered in the timeframe agreed with the seller.
• If no timeframe has been agreed the vendor must ensure delivery ‘without undue delay’ and within 30 days.
• The vendor is responsible for the condition of the goods and therefore has to pack them appropriately.

Returning Faulty Goods

If the goods:

• Don’t work, or
• Don’t do what they are meant to do, or
• Don’t match the description/picture

Then you are entitled to return them.

*Note: You do not have to pay for the cost of returning goods if they have been delivered and are faulty.

The Sale Of Goods Act 1979

THE GOODS MUST BE AS DESCRIBED

• In the sales blurb on the website
• As shown in the picture(s)
• As orally described by the seller
• In any advert

THE GOODS MUST BE OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY

*Note, you cannot expect a clone to be built to the same standards or perform in the same way as a genuine item – this includes threading, o-rings, insulation and build material

*Note, unless the item is described as being suitable for sub-ohm use you cannot complain if the insulator melts

Satisfactory quality covers minor and cosmetic defects as well as substantial problems. It also means that products must last a reasonable time. But it doesn’t give you any rights if a fault was obvious or pointed out to you at point of sale.

THE GOODS MUST BE FIT FOR PURPOSE

An atomiser and mod are expected to do the job of an atomiser and mod under normal conditions. If you have modified them or tried to use them under water then all bets are off.

Fit for purpose covers not only the obvious purpose of an item but any purpose you queried and were given assurances about by the trader.

If you buy something which doesn’t meet these conditions you have the potential right to return it, get a full refund, and if it will cost you more to buy similar goods elsewhere, compensation (to cover the extra cost) too.

Note however that the right to reject goods and get a full refund only lasts for a relatively short time after which a buyer is deemed to have ‘accepted’ goods. This doesn’t mean that the buyer has no legal redress against the seller, just that he/she isn’t entitled to a full refund.

Instead a buyer is first and foremost entitled to have the goods repaired or replaced. If these remedies are inappropriate, then you’re entitled to a suitable price reduction, or to return the goods and get a refund (reduced to take account of any wear and tear).

Interestingly, the act covers second-hand items and sales. But if you buy privately your only entitlement to your money back is if the goods aren’t ‘as described’.

If goods which are expected to last six months don’t, it’ll be presumed that the goods didn’t conform to the contract at the time they were bought unless the seller can prove to the contrary. This could include batteries and VV/VW devices.

In all other situations it’s for the consumer to prove their own case (that is, that the problem existed at the time of the contract). This will prove more difficult the longer you’ve had the goods. Subject to this a consumer has six years from the time they buy something in which to make a claim irrespective of how long the goods actually last.

 

In summary

If you need further help then call in to your local Citizens Advice Bureau or look at their website, they will help clarify your position and what you can do.

Being unaware of your rights and responsibilities may result in an unsuccessful claim – even if it amuses everyone who reads about it on the internet.

 

 

This week we are being told about the dangers of a chemical closely linked to nicotine – caffeine.

Yet again, people who think they need to control your every waking decision are rounding on another naturally occurring chemical, this time it’s the FDA. Although being in the UK insulates us somewhat from this “warning” you can rest assured that a responsible campaigner for the public health (like the Daily Mail) will mirror these concerns online.

To be fair, they are issuing a warning about the dangers of powdered caffeine but if I’m going to list off things I feel are more dangerous in my house at the moment then it will be

1. My wife’s choice in Chinese restaurants, given the two recent bouts of food poisoning I contracted.
2. My daughter’s addiction to Australian soap operas & 90210 atrophying her brain.
3. My teenage son’s on-going battle with a premature end to his life by being a teenage son.

Caffeine is a stimulant. Students the world over have spent two, caffeine-fuelled restless evenings trying to learn a year’s-worth of exam stuff as they paid no attention in class.

But then someone died.

Isn’t it amazing that the death of one person in the States can be a good reason to urge caution but the death of thousands in another part of the world barely raises a mumble about stopping the arms trade?

And then someone remembered another person has died.

The American Council on Science & Health report that “Logan Steiner had over twenty times the amount of caffeine in his blood than would be expected for a person who obtained their caffeine from coffee or cola.”

I know what you’re thinking: some of us have Goth friends who enjoy nothing more than lots of effeminate caffeine-based cocktails – should we organise an intervention for him? I can’t answer that, it’s a matter between you and how much you want to maintain your supply of Powwow Sauce.

The FDA point out that one spoon of caffeine powder is the equivalent to 25 cups of coffee but it’s Dr. Ruth Kava who raises the concept of personal responsibility: “This is just one more example of consumers’ ”” especially teens’ ”” ignorance of the basic truth that “the dose makes the poison” with respect to any and all drugs, supplements, chemicals, whatever.”

It’s easy to have a chuckle at the expense of someone clearly ignorant about battery chemistry, electricity and material conductivity but we are seeing a rise in the number of reported cases where lack of awareness has led to explosive consequences. What do we do about it?

There will be those who call for regulations, others will mention education, some will want to place more responsibility on the sellers of such items and a small group will sit in a dark corner and talk about Darwin Awards.

I have no idea on how to solve the problem of people causing their batteries to vent (usually near a poor quality video recording device). It would be interesting to discover if anyone is concerned about collating or has recorded the facts from these incidents. Whatever the solution might be I’d rather it was evidence-based rather than driven by media conjecture.

 

 

Personal failure is always a concept I’ve struggled with. Those of us who bought into the concept of the scientific process know full well that lucking out on the correct hypothesis with the first roll is nigh on impossible. Science moves forwards like the allied front in the 1^st World War, clambering over the corpses of those who went before. A hypothesis that’s disproved is just that, it’s not a failure because it’s a step towards the truth.

My coiling attempts weren’t failures to begin with; they were part of the learning process. Sure, the initial attempts at gennys would reduce people to tears of laughter at fifteen paces but does that matter?

I never failed to make a DIY juice either. I produced bottle upon bottle of eliquid that tasted like a cross between a steeped used jockstrap combined with tramp’s urine. I ought to point out that I have no direct experience of identifying that particular flavour. So, yeh, no juice failures just a collection of evidence that I was not born to mix my own.

I’m not going to beat myself up over atomisers I’ve not managed to master either. There’s no need for a roll call but a succession of different ones have passed through my hands since I began vaping. For me attys are Boolean, they either work right off the bat or they are those things you have to overcome huge desire to improve through the application of a baseball bat. I don’t understand the current fascination to over-complicate simple designs for no or negligible benefit. My Heron has rocked the same coil since I got it with just the cotton being replaced now and then – now that’s the kind of simple I love. Men love simple things.

I’m waiting for the introduction of the Quantum atomiser. One that will be both difficult and easy to wick, that will be to flavour and clouds as light is to wave and particle. And if the driptip acted like a diffraction grating then so much the better. The only problem I can foresee with such a device is that when it arrives in the post it will exist in a broken and as new state until you open the box.

I guess the images of the chap from China who’d blown a hole in his hand could be construed as failure. It was certainly a failure in the battery that left him in hospital – but then if you are a paranoid parent and want to keep an eye on your child, while playing ‘Where’s Daddy gone” and hiding behind your hands, then the strategically placed wound would prove to be a real boon. Plus, if the accident led to the child forming a stronger parent bond then it’s all-good; at least they aren’t sitting down in front of the television. Scientists are reported to have discovered that watching television at the end of a long day can make you feel guilty and like a failure. That’s no life for a child.

The study, published in the Journal of Communication, found that people who were highly stressed after work did not feel relaxed or recovered when they watched TV or played computer games. Instead they had high levels of guilt and feelings of failure. If you are so consumed I can always send you some pictures of my coils and 10ml of Jockstrap Piss. My plea is this: instead of turning on the television tonight go invent me the world’s first atomiser driven by theoretical physics.You can’t fail to make me happy if you succeed.

 

 

Some will tell you at length that a mod is nothing more than a battery tube, this normally precedes an ensuing comment about how all tubes should be dirt-cheap. The same people will also use the ‘tube argument’ to justify what they refuse to buy. I’m not really sure how the full argument goes as I’ve either fallen asleep or got drunk to blot it all out.

The film ‘Quadrophenia’ was not appreciated among my friends in the main. Bikers in 1979 still held outward appearances left over from the British rocker scene (as depicted in the film), my mates hated anything connected with a scooter or a snorkel parka. If you’d pressed them they’d have been unable to give you anything approaching a coherent reason why. The same would have gone for why they wore those white socks poking out of their boots.

It was OK for me to like it, not that I sought approval. Punks were fortunate in that we straddled many different subcultures, having been born from one or another of them. Most spikey-haired people I knew had a copy of The Who’s ‘My Generation‘ album in their collection and The Dickies cover of Sabbath’s ‘Paranoid’. Radio wasn’t closed off to all-bar one weekly Tommy Vance none-more-metal show, we had John Peel’s pic’n’mix.

Thing is, thinking back, despite outwardly exclaiming to hate all things in the remotest bit mod-like, it was amusing to note how many would nod approvingly at the mention of Leslie Ash up a Brighton back alley. There’s no accounting for taste but taste in metal tubes is just the thing we’ve discovered more about this year. Just look at the sheer range and volume of mechs being designed and produced in the Philippines as a case in point.

Now I know you shouldn’t criticise someone’s taste but

When it comes to motorbikes there have been a rash of hideous things pumped out of late. Combine that with the utter indifference you encounter when walking into a bike shop and you could be forgiven for thinking there was no recession and we’re all wealthy now.

For me, I’d rather have my eyes gouged out by spoons than have to set eyes on the new Stingray X and if I hear a second mod ever referred to as a ‘competition mod’ I may have to fetch the machete.

But what has irked me more than just being repulsed is the plastic rebellion encapsulated in the “Anarchy mod”. I guess this may figure on your shopping list if you are a fan of the insipid Green Day but no self-respecting punk could consider this for one second. When Wattie from The Exploited sang, “I believe in anarchy” I am blooming convinced he never envisaged that this is what it would turn into.

If I lived in Brighton I’d seek solace in an alleyway but as this is a landlocked village I’m off to shudder in a corner.

 

 

At the end of the course I made up an impressive CV, gave bogus business addresses and wrote every one of my glowing reference letters. Thing was by now I had a history of not suffering employers who were fools – and I was rapidly coming to the conclusion that almost everyone who employed me was stupid by virtue of the fact that I kept getting away with ever more grandiose lies to improve my status. And then there’s the rush when resigning on impulse, what a fabulous feeling it is.

In the film ‘Office Space’ Peter and Joanne embody my distaste of idiotic management. The nihilistic frustration echoed in films like ‘Fight Club’ and ‘American Beauty’. Yep, quitting is good.

Odds are that you were (or still are on the odd occasion) a smoker. Quitting tales? We’ve got ‘em. I have no idea of the number of times I quit – I never considered it trying to quit because I would go from being a smoker to a non-smoker in a snap. Sometimes I’d be a non-smoker for months on end, other times I would last until I woke up the following morning. Well, all the times bar one.

At its peak, when I was under huge stress to meet imbecilic and unobtainable targets I was up to 60 Rothmans a day. I’d taken my cue from my trainer whose washed-out clothes seem to fit with his yellow hand and teeth.

At 28, married and with a mortgage I’d still take a razor blade to scrape the yellow skin off my fingers before meeting my parents. They didn’t know I smoked. Sure, they’d discovered a pack of 10 Embassy No.6 in my room when I was 14 but I’d convinced them it was a money-making scheme – selling singles to the kids at the youth club. It was a convincing tale because it was true in part.

The longest period I spent as a non-smoker (prior to this) was four years, but then we moved to Colombia where life was taken that little bit less seriously. Cancer? Who cares about cancer when fags were almost free and you stood a much greater chance of being shot, blown-up or kidnapped.

My viewpoint changed when we had our second kid and they were toddlers together. I realised I didn’t want them to think smoking was a norm, for as little as I cared for my life I want them to live forever, preferably happy and without a boss who is an utter tool.

This was the only time I considered it quitting because I knew in my heart that going back to fags was not an option. I stayed in the flat for a fortnight. I’d get up in the morning, go to work, come home and that was my life – no drinking either because fags and booze were made for each other. After half a month of cranky I had it nailed.

Ish.

That was 2004; eight years later I was on the tipping point of returning to smoking for a whole number of self-justifiable reasons – working for an idiot that I couldn’t walk out on being one of them. Not only had children stopped my smoking but also their constant need for clothing and feeding meant I had to try to curb my attitude in the workplace. It was like trying to force a 26650 battery into a 14500 mod – failure was all over the place waiting to be picked up, put in a bag and carried home.

So I came at all of this from a totally different direction: vaping for me isn’t an escape ladder, it’s a firebreak. Mods, attys and juice have been the thing that stopped me returning to smoking.

More than that, vaping has become a full-time hobby and my work. After a lifetime of working for morons I now work for myself. Some things in life never change 😉

 

He’d recently completed a course on staff motivation.

I swear, that man made me loathe the fact that Robin Williams had ever been born – let alone be responsible for “Dead Poet’s Society”. I have since forgiven William’s even if I did have to go on to suffer the outrageously bad “Toys”.

Seize the bloody day?

No, actually, I’m too busy thinking of ways to make it look like I’m working (while doing as little as possible) in return for the pittance you pay me. After one day too many I gleefully, on impulse, resigned before I had a seizure or seized a part of his anatomy. I was considered such an asset to the firm that it was accepted, my car keys were demanded and I was walked back to the reception door within minutes.

I could have told the wife that evening “I was just carpe dieming it, sweetie” but chose a more diplomatic approach. I told her I’d quit through the bathroom door while she was having a post-work soak…and immediately left for the pub.

“Carpe diem, Dave! Carpe diem!”

It was roughly six hours ago, as I sit here typing, that I got the news. We’d known it was coming even though the pair of them had played it down. To be frank, I didn’t think it or I would make a blog post but then I reasoned, as vapers, we are all attempting to seize days from the grasp of cancer. Roger passed away peacefully under sedation.

“Carpe diem, Dave! Carpe diem!”

Some of us have taken up vaping in order to escape from cigarettes, the rest of us are using vaping to prevent our return. Sure, it’s more than just that, for loads of us. It has become an absorbing hobby, a chance to collect things, an opportunity to learn and tinker and a pleasurable pastime.

It’s on days like these you take stock. Football results matter less, a cuddle with the youngest means so much more. The cider tastes sweeter, the vape is more fulfilling because it is one more day wrestled from the inevitable. It’s on days like these people decide to start out in business or sell their possessions in order to get a motorbike, hard luggage and a map of the world.

“Carpe diem, Dave! Carpe diem!”

I returned from the pub at a quite respectable hour. Daylight was still to fully ebb from the skyline, there had been just enough moments passing by for me to seek fortitude in alcohol so I could face a woman in a bathrobe. I was considered such an asset to ‘the couple’ that the wrath I’d anticipated was nothing more than an “I’m not surprised”.

This was true; it would have taken something of spectacular stupidity for me to surprise her. This, after all, is the man who has been arrested for attempted theft of a ladder at pub closing time because it seemed like a funny thing to do. This, her partner and future husband, is the man who had once though it was a good idea to buy a Polski Fiat, a Leyland Princess and two houses at the height of the last two property bubbles.

Vaping was one of the few life decisions I’ve ever made with her wholehearted support. That, and leaving teaching to begin writing – although she did put a block on my first choice of becoming Britain’s fattest astronaut. She supported my vaping even though it has the “highly addictive nicotine” drug we are warned about so often. All of which brings me to the Bill Hicks quote that sums today up for me:

“Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.”

It’s the end of the week: go seize some days, get your vape on, give out some love and be happy. I’m going to carpe me some diem.