Monthly Archives: February 2020

My first resolution is going to be that I never buy anything with ‘competition’ in the title. This is like saying I resolve to continue enjoying sex in 2015 (due to the probability that I’m unlikely to be attacked by a 1970s celebrity). I don’t ‘sub’, more power to you if you do, but it’s not something I can be bothered with. So, my resolution is to continue enjoying a Kayfun at 1.3Ω.

“But that’s shit,” you say. “With that resolution you aren’t pushing any envelopes.”

Yes. But if I wanted to do that I’d be working in a stationary shop. I live in my comfort zone with a pair of Springers (at my feet as I type). I like tanks. I’m a tank man. I love being a tank man because it sounds a damn sight more butch than being a Kayfun fanboy. Like a male version of Tankgirl.

So, I also resolve to stop buying everything claiming to be the new Kayfun. They are, it’s not a lie. They are all the products of hard work and clever thinking to answer the ‘how can we build a better Kayfun?’ question. I bought most of them this year but, apart from the Heron, I’m left sitting here with my 3.1 and four KFLs. I’m not even going to buy the new Kayfun that actually is the new Kayfun.

“Shut up, you just aren’t trying.”

Yes, I know. But it’s getting more difficult as we go down the page. I suffer from bi-polar II, GAD and a personality disorder (like you couldn’t guess the last one) – compulsive purchasing is, to me, what annoying the world is to Katie Hopkins, TV non-celebrity. It’s, well, a compulsion. Not buying the new Kayfun will be nigh on impossible no matter how much I attempt to rationalise against it. It will be like trying not to hurl invective into Katie Hopkin’s horse-like face should she pop round for a coffee unannounced.

The same with the whole sub-ohming thing; I’ve found myself drawn to the Kanger Subtank more than any clearo-type atty since I left them. It reminds me of the time I dumped this girl when I was 16. She wasn’t what I was looking for in a girl as she lacked two essential qualities: a) thinking I was brilliant and b) ravaging me on an hourly basis.

Six months later and I saw her again – she’d transformed into a vision of loveliness and I vowed to make her mine. Predictably, she still lacked those two essential qualities; but then ravaging would be off the cards while she found me annoying and repugnant. I wonder then if the looks of the Subtank are simply that, I wonder if it would be another forced, unrewarding relationship destined for frustration and disappointment?

Worse, I’m pretty sure I’m the Subtank in this analogy. Hell, that means I’m a tank. Brilliant. It also means I’m only 3.19 inches long…but when the old-man boyband groupies cluster round they’ll be too interested in basking in my reflected celebrity to care.

Oh sod it. I was going to continue to say how I’m going to spend less on mods and not grab the latest gennys when they come out. I was going to promise to open my mind to the possibilities of ginger and coconut in juice as well…but what’s the point? It’s all nonsense, isn’t it.

I know I’m going to be jumping about trying to buy the new Piccolo despite not having an atty to fit. That will trigger me hunting down some 16mm kit to plonk on top before I remember a week later that I prefer 18350 mech mods. I’ll see a regulated box made with some wood and be throwing my kids onto eBay while making the wife turn tricks outside the village shop.

The only thing vape thing I can resolve to do is continue being irresponsible, impulsive and flip-flopping my opinions on a weekly basis…in short, to continue enjoying the world of vaping as much as I have in 2014. It’s been ace.

I’m of an age where people have come into and left my life, some have stuck around for the long haul while others were never more than bit-part characters. My vaping journey this year has followed a similar model. As a kid I’d collect footy programs, that was easy because despite being different they were all similar – the only thing that changed was the collecting set. Originally it was one club, then the FA Cup before transforming into comics. Comics became graphic novels, graphic novels became authors and my compulsive collecting continued.

It’s train spotting and stamp collecting in a different form and I know there’ll be plenty who will line up to poke fun at it. A friend in the village frequently makes fun of my mod rack – but then she spends her life on an allotment moving mud from one place to the next. It hurts no one, I’m OK with being anal about my vape interest.

What has struck me across the past twelve months is that there’s a clear distinction between mod and atty collecting, for me. Atomisers fill a clear need; the wicking and airflow are crucial to their operation – one that works well doesn’t need to be aesthetically appealing, although that features as a secondary consideration. Mods can have any of a number of key features I look for but the appearance is a powerful factor in deciding whether or not to buy and/or keep.

Drippers don’t tick boxes, the bulk of my time vaping is done when working at the keyboard so I want things I can pick up and put down without fussing around dropping liquid onto wicks. The fact that I only own an Igo-W speaks volumes about what I need from a dripper – it tests new juices and that’s it.

The RBAs that won out across the months were the ones that weren’t over-engineered, the ones that weren’t hideous and the ones that didn’t make me so frustrated every time I coiled them. Most that have gone also had the infuriating ability to dry wick or flood during use. Consequently my Kayfun collection grew and grew; an atomiser that is now the de facto benchmark for all other RBAs. Aside for the KFLs there’s a Heron on the rack: a classic design, simple to build and 100% leak and faff free.

It’s not the Heron I had at the start of the year; its purchase was forced by the succession of purchase failures after I’d traded the original one on. Some say you should never go back but, not having tried the Squape-R, the Heron remains my RBA of 2014.

Gennys have been plentiful this year; so many outstanding attys that it’s impossible to list them all off and far too many to keep on the vape stand. All of the ones I didn’t rate suffered from a similar issue: none of them had a reduced cap. The genny can be a cloud producer but it’s all about the flavour for me.

The Hellfire Mini Megas both delivered great vape, the Pandora Shadow is stunning to look at and a blissful experience and only left the building due to their diameters not fitting in with the mods. I’d thoroughly recommend both.

It’s the Sat22 V3 and Origen genny V2 that tie top spot for my RBAs of the year. The Sat22 hits the spot for tight draws and pure flavour, the Origenny for flavour and clouds.  Aside from looks I can’t see how either can be beat as we move forward, I’d happily have another of each when money permits.

So, we come to the mods.

A quick glance on vendor sites demonstrates the incredible variety of devices that now exist for sale; it’s impossible for anybody but a reviewer with access to most of them to give a fitting, balanced overview.

My regulated mod winner delivered on a number of points – it provides current to the coil consistently, it’s strikingly good looking and it was amazingly cheap considering the current prices of high-end devices. I lucked out by picking up a StiG ‘one of a kind’ 18500 wooden DNA20 for less than the cost of a dripper. Personally, I’d love to see more affordable DNA20 and DNA30 mods released next year – but then I’m a confirmed mech user at heart.

Mechs? The Satmod ought to be considered a classic, everyone should have one once. Le Petit Gros is a triumph of simple design, branding and packaging, the Paps V3 is a wonderful combination of switch and Gpin delights but the outright winner for me is the Paps X 1.5. I missed my Lux so much I bought a replacement within a fortnight to complement the stainless version that’s been a constant companion.

The X accommodates any 18-series battery I feel the need to use with its modular design, a blinding switch, the glorious Gpin and has a build quality so many other mods can only dream of. Vapourart struck gold when building this.

So are these the best mods and attys in the world? Maybe they are, possibly they aren’t – it depends on your criteria and needs. Some don’t want to spend this much, others want to spend far more. I’d have loved a titanium X1.5 or a StiG Helix but then I also wanted to try an Ego Twist and an Eleaf.

So, what have I learnt from vaping in 2014?

It doesn’t matter if you have every League Cup Final program, it doesn’t matter if your edition is the original or a reprint. You may not own every Alan Moore graphic novel or the complete works of George Orwell. If you enjoy what you have then that’s good enough.

It doesn’t matter what you vape on or with, the cost is irrelevant. It can be made in China by the millions or by a bloke called Kev on a lathe in Chiswick. You can run cotton, Voodoowool or mesh, you can vape custard or coconut – every cigarette you aren’t smoking is why we are here, everything else is a bonus. This isn’t an aspirational thing, no one vapes better than others because of what they own.

My outright winner in the world of vaping for 2014?

Us.

Visitors to our Rebuildable Supplies section will have seen the coiling calculator developed by Lars Simonsen. Well, we’ve asked Lars to help us provide you with a version of the calculator to take out and about on any android-powered device.

It gives information when using new wire or different coiling diameters on how many wraps will provide a desired resistance – very useful for both experience vapers and those new to coiling.

In the app:

• Select the wire material from the drop-down box.
• Choose single, dual, triple or quad coil.
• Enter the AWG or mm or your chosen wire
• Pop in your target resistance

It’s that easy – and being on your mobile device means that you won’t be tied to coiling in front of your computer screen. You can factor in the diameter of the coil and even the lengths of the coil legs.

Finally you get the option to specify whether you are using a microcoil or one with spaced coils. How brilliant is that? While you are there, if you fancy ordering some extra supplies just tap on the Stealthvape logo and it’ll pop you straight to us.

When you install the app we won’t ask you for permission to access your contacts, the ability to phone our friends in Guam or download your collection of pictures from the last One Direction concert. We won’t ask for any permissions at all.

And how much is this super app? Like our Muji cotton pads – it’s free!

The wonderful thing about being grossly tired, of feeling the bags under your eyes resting on your cheeks, is that you can fully embrace the inner rage. It’s just gone 7am and I’ve managed to shout at both kids, admonish the wife and give the dogs a withering look. My expression won’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed being grumpy but I have a sense of pride that the rabbits will be cowering outside and on their very best behaviour.

But I’m still tired.

I’m tired of public health advocates who don’t care about the public, who pursue agendas for monetary and/or fundamentalist reasons. I’m tired of hearing from individuals who wilfully distort the truth and spread outright lies in order to further their puritanical and dictatorial agendas.

I’m tired of seeing their smug, complacent faces on web pages. I’m weary of their expressions of superiority, their lack of engagement, their bleating about being personally attacked and their bogus conspiracy theories.

They are tinny. Their words, the noise they make, is the irritating background noise of a small radio – the sound produced by a couple of teenage ne’er-do-wells with a mobile phone on public transport.

They don’t support your right to make informed choices, they don’t believe you ought to have the ability to make decisions about what you do to or place into your body. McKee would remove all vaping products from the world if he were placed in charge, saving you from the almost negligible evils of nicotine. He would then celebrate with more pies, fine claret and whatever else contributes to his corpulence.

I’m tired of their hypocrisy.

Even the name ‘McKee‘ has an annoying tinny quality to it. Speaking it aloud is akin to having one of those noise-emitting balloons in the room squealing about. McKeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

Farsalinos, on the other hand, is woody. You can speak his name and add a rich baritone to the final syllable. Brian Blessed could announce him and it would come across as a call to arms.

Reassuringly humorous words like “logorrhea” pepper his responses to these professorial mosquitos. I could never tire of a medical expert who engages with the general public and explains his findings in layman’s terms.

Yes, I’m tired but mainly in a Monty Python way. As the late, great Graham Chapman once said: “I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired.”

For those of us who didn’t know before, we’ve taught ourselves about Ohm’s Law, experimented with thermal lag and messed with the chemistry of juices. We’ve discovered the quantity of heat retained by a recently torched piece of steel and we’ve investigated capillary action by using different substrates.

Vaping is a wonderful series of science lessons that don’t involve landing on a comet but there is a limit and I’ve reached mine. As much as I adore discovering new things I can’t stand having to relearn. In the last couple of years I’ve experimented with wires and wicks, mods and attys, to find a vape that really works for me. During this time I’ve found more stuff that doesn’t hit the spot than kit that does, but that’s OK.

Back in another life when I used to pretend to work for a chemical company, I shared an office with the only line manager I’ve never fallen out with. We’ll call him Harry because Harry is a nice name – and because that’s what he was called.

Harry used to be a jazz musician and instead of drumming up new revenue for our mass-murdering corporation we’d sit with guitars as he taught me something new. The moment in time I’m thinking of now was much more car than guitar-based. I was choosing my new company motor from the list applicable to my station in company life.

“The thing is, Dave” Harry began, “is that the more complex a car is the more there is to go wrong with it.” He knew what he was talking about as he’d just spent a week with his electric window stuck open thanks to a piece of fried circuitry. As the man who signed all of my ridiculously inflated expenses sheets I was always prepared to do Harry’s bidding – standard Sierra estate with wind-up windows it was. I was OK with that, cars rank as one of the least important things in life.

So I sit in conflict: a gadget lover who abhors advances in technology. I love simplicity; it’s what drives me to prefer a mech to the regulated mod. In recent months I’ve added a couple of VWs to the desk and found myself being drawn to them. Actually, given the times I’ve used them I would say I prefer them – I’m embracing the ability to coil higher resistances and run the battery longer.

I thought about a new DNA40 device. And then I discounted it.

It’s not the styles or the cost, it’s not the teething problems with the chip or any reported issues with build quality of certain devices. No, I just don’t want to go back to coiling school. I don’t want to repeat the cycle of trial, fail, learn, retry, fail again…I just want to vape. I feel a kinship with those who never leave the comfort of the eGo starter kit, the warm security blanket of the familiar.

I’m happy to forgo the acquisition of new stuff pushing the old learning out of my brain, I’m content to not hang at the cool kids table. In fact the only thing that unsettles me is that the words ‘I Am A Luddite Vaper‘ scan too easily into a song by The Wurzels.

Over 2014 a number of high end manufacturers have increased production and opened websites, enabling more people the opportunity to own their products. At the same time we’ve seen a number of people launching quality, original yet affordable devices, catering to those seeking their first genuine bits of kit.

The politics of the Antz is dominated by (the ever-increasingly marginalised) Glantz, especially following the revelations of his funding from Big P, and the obscure pronouncements from a couple of Brits. They’ve had social media meltdowns, indulged in all manner of personal attacks and resolutely stuck to the themes built on lies.

Scotland embraced vaping as part of its quit smoking service, Leicester continued to plough a furrow in supporting e-cigs and the body of scientific evidence in favour continues to outstrip anything anybody else can produce.

A magazine dedicated to vapers went monthly, a forum expanded its offering to include weekly newsletters and many, many more vendors began a new business. Vapemeet 2014 was a resounding success with the largest ever footfall while meets in the States grew in both frequency and size.

And things blew up, ohms got lower while air holes got larger. From having one or two emails a day the volume of vape-related news hitting my inbox has reached an almost unmanageable level.

‘Vape’ isn’t just the word of the year, it’s a snowballing public movement – the genie isn’t just out of the bottle; it’s taken over the pantomime, moved into a new house and goes on nice foreign holidays. Vaping is here to stay.

Mod – the Black Oak by Continental Mods

As with all things in this list, personal preference comes into play and what ticked all the boxes for me won’t do it for others. There is no doubt that there many I haven’t owned or held but there was just one I lusted after. This was, without doubt, the year of the box as vapers embraced the alternative to the tube. There are outstanding alternatives out there – I’m still a huge fan of the entire Paps range, the number of regulated devices has bloomed but it is the whole package of the Black Oak by Continental Mods that won my heart.

It’s not just the handmade mod itself; it’s the attention to detail with the entire package. From the beautiful box to the individual components, this was incredibly well thought out from inception to implementation.

Atty – the Origen Genesis V2 by Norbert

I believe this was an annus mirabilis for atomisers as some incredible new ones entered the market – plus I discovered some older, cheaper ones knocking about that really perform too. Some of the older attys continue to perform to an excellent level; those with Rose V2s will be looking forward with anticipation to the V3 version, people lucky enough to own a Sat22 will be clutching it with pride.

Norbert’s Origen has improved on the physical appearance, offers an outstanding build quality and delivers a phenomenal vape. A stunning genesis atty that is never far from the Petit Gros or my right hand; there are things you just innately know will never be swapped or sold on, the Origen V2 is one of them.

Manufacturer – Tim Peacock & Fortune Mods

I could celebrate Fortune Mods for their involvement in the community, I could laud them for producing affordable mods and I could celebrate the beautiful design work that has gone into the recent packaging – but none of these are the reason I pick Tim.

Throughout the year, Tim has received (like most of us) an inbox full of people offering him things from China. Notably, many people contacting Time are offering to sell copies of the very devices he makes. The style and wit with which he has dealt with all of them stands as a testament to the integrity of the chap – and the respect with which he treats everybody, customer or not.

Bargain – Steamboy

I bought one of the quirky 2.1 Storm Riders as a suck it and see exercise and was so impressed I immediately purchased a 2.3. Not only do the prices of these atomisers offer exceptional value but for just €100 you can obtain an original Peacemaker mod replete with a 2.3 Storm Rider atomiser. Outstanding value for something so well made!

Tech development – the DNA40 chip

It’s not my cup of tea, but the potential offered by this chip is outstanding. To be able to guarantee no burnt wick and limit the production of noxious compounds is the leap forward vaping has been crying out for. I’m too cautious to be an early adopter but I’m looking forward to being convinced to get a DNA40 device in 2015.

New Juice – Puros Dark

House of Liquid removed by previous favourite vape from stock, although I still have a smidge of Brasileiro for special occasions. Puros Dark filled the vacated slot with aplomb. Deep and rich, complex and rewarding, Puros Dark is the only juice the Origen V2 gets used for whether at home or sitting in a pub. I don’t feel like I’m vaping with this liquid, I feel like I’m treating myself!

Forum – Planet of the Vapes

The inclusive nature of POTV continues to make it an ideal venue for those new to vaping (and the more experienced). While some will contend they are too accommodating, others will point to the fact that the support they received helped them to develop their understanding and a deeper appreciation for all aspects of vaping. The recent development of the weekly vaping news function marks the forum out as offering something unique to the UK market.

*These are my opinions, my opinions alone and do not reflect those held by Stealthvape or any sane breathing person. Who would get your votes?

“We in government have grown accustomed to the threat of ecig-related fires,” said a spokesperson, wishing to remain anonymous, “to the extent that we were going to recommend the unemployed and disabled use them to keep warm over the cold winter period.” This pending advice has been placed on hold given the latest alert.

Last week, news was released regarding the potential for vaping devices to infect personal computers with all manner of viruses, worms and additional songs by U2 while charging. Stealthvape have discovered that this is not the only dastardly plot by the Chinese: bottles of e-Liquid have been laced with hi-tech nanobots.

Our source continued: “It appears that the Chinese are trying to genetically alter people in the West who choose to vape. What is abundantly clear is that any user of electronic cigarettes who suddenly feels like eating Sweet & Sour Chicken balls should go to their nearest A&E department immediately.”

Nanobots can also be referred to as nanoids, nanites, nanomachines or Colin. Just like real robots but small, very small. To get a scale of how small they are first imagine the size of the smallest thing you have ever encountered (probably Hugh Grant’s talent)

“What worries me most,” little Barry Onions told us, “is that us kids love cool robots. There must be loads of children as stupid as me who want to use this stuff because of them.” Barry, ginger, went on to tell us that he thought the Chinese were targeting young people because they liked to collect things. “Only young people collect stuff,” he added, “and that’s why I now have fifteen million bottles of the stuff.”

We approached an impartial scientist to obtain his opinion. Professor Ian Impartialman, Department of Tarot Cards at Southwest California Remedial College, said: “I want to make this very clear, I take no money from any Pharmaceutical company – certainly not Johnson & Johnson. people might say that I do but they are all idiots – especially Clive Bates. This isn’t my opinion, it is a fact because the cards said so.”

Ian confirmed that the smaller a person is the more likely they are to be attracted to this kind of thing. “The products are primarily targeted at the unborn, unfertilised eggs and sperm. Some people might want to think about children but the research I’m selectively quoting demonstrates clear danger prior to insemination.”

When asked what she thought of the possible threat, Carol Lychees, Daily Mail reader, made the noise of an angry pony. “It’s the bloody foreigners,” she bellowed. “First they wanted to know what love is and now they want to make us all like them. Not even traditional British Chinese meals are British anymore!” Asked if she believed action should be taken she agreed with banning vaping immediately and favoured a carrot-replacement therapy scheme.

Christmas must be approaching faster than Roadrunner using an Acme jetpack, book companies gear up their marketing and awards are doled out to soon to be forgotten cultural ephemera. Oxford Dictionaries have looked at all the words new to them, used an arcane process (I suspect Google) and elected vape as their Word of the Year (WOTY).

The criteria? “The Oxford Dictionaries Word of the Year is a word, or expression, that we can see has attracted a great deal of interest during the year to date. Every year, candidates for Word of the Year are debated and one is eventually chosen that is judged to reflect the ethos, mood, or preoccupations of that particular year and to have lasting potential as a word of cultural significance.”

A quick go on an Internet search engine pulls up 1,830,000 results. This may be 40 times less than the number of references to Jesus but it now ranks up there with wind farm, above Motörhead and around four times more popular than TOWIE. I’m amazed at the lack of interest in TOWIE given the on-going troubles with Dan Osborne and Jacqueline Jossa’s relationship. Apparently.

Whoever they are?

Oxford Dictionaries scan approximately 150,000,000 English words in current use every month and monitor new and emerging ones, tracking frequency of use among other things. It doesn’t matter that the word might have come into use some time ago; it is how noticeable and prominent it has become over 2014 that marked vape out as a contender.

Vape fought off stiff competition from budtender, normcore and slacktivism. Previous winners include chav, bovvered, simples and omnishambles – truly great company.

They say: “As e-cigarettes (or e-cigs) have become much more common, so vape has grown significantly in popularity. You are thirty times more likely to come across the word vape than you were two years ago, and usage has more than doubled in the past year.

Usage of vape peaked in April 2014 – as the graph below indicates – around the time that the UK’s first ‘vape café’ (The Vape Lab in Shoreditch, London) opened its doors, and protests were held in response to New York City banning indoor vaping. In the same month, the issue of vaping was debated by The Washington Post, the BBC, and the British newspaper The Telegraph, amongst others.”

So, slap on Queen’s ‘We are the champions’, pop the corks on the bubbly and vape like the winner you are.

I say ‘it will be made’ quite confidently as everything is now made into a film. I blame WarGames, without the Internet that film would never have been made. Without films like WarGames I’d never have been forced into watching The Social Network.

Bill Gates, Anonymous, Wikileaks or Paul Allen – it doesn’t matter how boring the subject is for most viewers it will be turned into a film for YouTube or a documentary on The History Channel…like the painfully compulsive Triumph Of The Nerds.

For lovers of stories we are being swamped with them on an almost daily basis. The original genesis, the customisation boom and the rampant juice market have all got their tales to tell. We have online forum love stories to manufacturer trysts. Like the tales of computer tech, this is an industry creating itself from nothing at a huge rate – it’s exciting and nerdy in equal measure.

What stories do we have?

Invention gives way to production and redesign; profits have become impacted by companies from other sectors suffering the loss. We have greed, desire, strokes of genius and examples of altruism. We share, we hoard but (most of all) we exude passion for the product.

Just like the computer geeks of the 70s we coalesce, we bind together on the Internet in order to share our loves, discoveries and opinions. We learn from each other and push the community forwards. And nothing brings us together like the indignation created by some idiot with a tea towel or a doctored mod demonstrating that the Darwin Award is a wonderful thing.

Our garage engineers are now branching out and contracting production facilities, our vendors are spending their waking hours trying to find new angles and products. Hobbyists are becoming businesses and business is becoming BIG! We even have a little political party dedicated to vaping! How cute is that?

But if we consider the computer stories we know that there’s things yet to come. There are companies that will be crushed by growth, there will be leaders yet to emerge and just as cloned machine did for IBM the copy dilemma has still to be resolved in the vaping world.

Originals are fighting clone vendors by ripping payment systems away from them; politicians are fighting with common sense and good science. The only thing that’s missing is a decent cast list.

So who should be up for casting?

Clearly John Goodman has to be demanding people taste his juice at some point. Our Minister for Health has a history of spouting bizarre views, harbours wholly unscientific opinions and hid the truth about his ‘agent’ – now if this isn’t a shoe-in role for Tom Cruise I don’t know what is.

What’s that? He’s too American to play a Brit? That’s movies for you; they take poetic licence with actual events. I’m sure the War on Nicotine won’t actually involve evil Professor Glantz (Michael Douglas) destroying the Houses of Parliament while battling ECITA girl (Salma Hayek) but it’s going to look great and grab higher audiences. Anyway, it’s not like the anti-vaping lobby have ever made an effort to play with the truth so why not just look on it as commentary.

On the buses

There is something about buses, maybe it is the low revs or just sitting over the suspension but it has a certain ‘effect’ on a number of gentlemen. It may well act as a similar stimulus for women as well but not being female or having witnessed a ‘Sleepless In Seattle’ moment I can’t be certain.

This tends to drive some men to do things on the top deck that upset children and small animals. Wop your mod out instead. Sure, bus companies take a dim view on vaping (because bus driver can not distinguish between an unregulated device and 20 Benson), but there’s nothing to stop you fiddling with your air control ring or gently thumbing a vent hole.

Run, Forest, run

Not all of us competed for glory during London 2012 and most of us will suffer day-to-day misery by virtue of failing at life. When I say ‘most of us will’ I mean ‘I’.

I accept that I will never be Demetrius Pinder but I can get three friends, once I make three friends, and hare around Northampton town centre passing my Paps X to one of them. Slumping on the bench outside Greggs, gulping lungs of oxygen, I can watch my mod vanish off towards the library as pastie-clutching hordes congratulate my performance.

Play the funky music, white boy

When I was younger I spent most of my time going to watch bands play and although the frequency has tailed off one thing remains true: there is always a stupidly tall bloke or an idiot woman in a big hat in front of you.

A reel of Kanthal and a pair of Hana mods: you instantly have the ability to convert your shoes into platforms and piss off the person standing behind you. But ignore them, for the first time in ages you can see the stage.

Not just this, but when the annoying bare-chested young man tries to form a human pyramid or the dumpy girl sits on her partner’s shoulders you can take them both out with a regulated mod to the temple. In this eventuality you will probably find that everyone else at the gig buys you drinks all night.

That offends me

Society is now chockablock with people taking offence over anything; the wrong type of oxygen in the air, the offensive colouration of some wood or the sound of water all number in the big list of things that upset people so much they have to write to the Daily Mail’s editor.

Get angry no more, upset folks: sub-ohm clouds are here to save the day.

If it’s a noise then the cloud will deaden it, if it’s visually offensive then the cloud will obscure it from your eyes. Not only will the general public become happier overnight if sub-ohmers start billowing their vape into people’s faces but ‘The Vaper’ will be raised to the lofty heights of ‘Super Hero’.

There are no limits to what we can achieve.