Monthly Archives: March 2017

 

Vape Suit

Provides two stages of protection. Firstly, it minimises the impact of your own stupidity on yourself  – and then it protects you from the stupidity of others. The power supply is isolated from atomiser leaks and placed into a lead-lined unit located on one of your more disposable limbs. The chance of the unit going full thermal runaway is nil thanks to the control panel and the suit’s internal retarding system (*although there is the slight chance suffocation may occur).

Plus, if you are one of those vapers who likes going to vape events but you worry about other’s inability to know the difference between volts and amps, the suit has full Milspec explosion protection. Johnny Puffalot‘s mod becomes an impromptu pipe bomb at Vapefest? Stand and laugh in your SV Vape Suit while shards of hot mod shrapnel rip through the air.

Safe storage containers

Only Stealthvape can now offer you a triple lock of protection for your lithium-ion storage solutions. Step one: don’t inhale or ingest your batteries, but place them into a little plastic box and post them to Stealthvape. Step two: each plastic box is safely tucked away inside a lead box, which is then padlocked. Step three: the lead boxes and immersed into concrete inside barrels and buried at a secret location only we know about.

Some narrow-minded people have voiced their concerns that once Stealthvape takes over the safe handling of their batteries they’ll no longer be able to use them for vaping. To them, we say: “think ‘safety’.”

Further solutions

Maybe you have a friend who would like to quit smoking but isn’t the kind of person you’d trust with a pair of scissors? You’d like to give them a starter kit, yet fear for those they live with. This is the kind of soul we designed our Stealthvape Dummy Batteries for – made of 100% rubber, you can relax that the only risk they run is having to present themselves at Casualty (claiming they accidentally fell on one while cleaning the house in the nude).

We also plan to release a series of sealed atomisers. Each atty comes with a different coloured liquid, but no heating coil or wick. We see this product as the equivalent of fake glasses – it will make the owner look cool without presenting any safety problems.

Measures being adopted and offered up by us do not end the problem of vaping safety; it calls for governmental action too. We are demanding that the new government immediately adopts our suggestions that all vape stores are placed on floating pontoons, surrounded by sea mines, one mile out in the English Channel.

Only one company cares enough about you to produce solutions like these. It’s a safer future with Stealthvape.

 

 

“Bad News for People Using E-Cigs,” runs the headline penned by the mighty Frank Milhorn. What do you mean you’ve never heard of Frank? It’s Frank bloody Milhorn, author of such giants in the literary world as “Signs of recovery in the bingo market“, “The annual shed of the year competition“, and “Ghosts are swimming in water“. See? We knew you had heard of Frank.

Frank knows everything, and if he says there’s bad news for ecig users then you can be certain he’s correct, he never makes a mistake. He begins: “It has been reported that E-Cigarettes, commonly called Vapers…” Oh. Never mind, everybody can make a mistake, let’s continue.

“It has been reported that E-Cigarettes, commonly called Vapers, actually contain more cancer causing substances than traditional cigarettes, including increased levels of carbon monoxide and various other chemicals which are unstable organic compounds.”

Hmm. This doesn’t run true, Frank. Are you sure? Increased levels of carbon monoxide – coming from a product that isn’t combusting? Maybe things will pick up in the second sentence.

“It is also revealed that these vaping devices can contain over 80% more nicotine than a traditional cigarette, meaning you are taking in far more of the poisonous chemical every time you puff.”

Frank, Frank, Frank. Maybe it was the Californian equivalent of a boozy Bank Holiday, maybe you started writing your article shortly after suffering a major head trauma, but you’ve cornered the market in some funky alternative facts here.

“E-Cigs use nicotine laced liquid, which creates a vapour which contains the same kind of chemicals a normal cigarette does.”

Hold on there, the same kind of chemicals? I thought you’d just said there were more chemicals? It’s hard to keep up because you’re flying through this so quickly (what with you being the expert). Can you explain clearly what the main problem might be?

“There is an argument saying that people will ‘smoke’ more using these devices, for unlike the traditional cigarette, where you smoke it down, and you have a visual that stimulates the brain letting it know you’ve had a cigarette, these don’t shrink in size, and many people are using them as a type of pacifier.”

That’s handy to know, and gives us a great idea for a new Stealthvape vaping product: the Stealthvape shrinking mod that gets small the longer you use it; it’ll be a surefire winner, everybody will want one. Well, they will as long as they haven’t read Frank’s article and been convinced by the power of his words.

“Though we know that smoking is bad for you, it is said by experts that these electronic cigarettes will never be as safe as smoking a conventional cigarette. If you are one of the many people who have been considering giving up smoking and have considered using an e-cig as the way to help wean you off your smoking addiction, then maybe it is time for you to think again!”

We salute you, Frank – you have managed to construct the single worst piece of writing on the subject of vaping we’ve ever seen. His work can be read on the Democrat Gazette in all its glory, if you’d like to leave a complementary message.

 

 

The mood music surrounding vaping has changed over the years. Once upon a time vaping was like an independent, free, underground club scene. We danced to our own beats and stayed up way past bedtime. We were the cutting edge of harm reduction; we were so cool it hurt. We were the Marc Bolan to the establishment’s anti-smoking beribboned, roadside sycamore tree. It would only be so long until they tried to end us.

The Tobacco Products Directive is slowly beginning to become a day-to-day reality for a number of people in the UK. Across the channel, other vapers are discovering that 2017 is not quite what 2014 promised. The Czech republic is driving through a series of measures that includes bans and restrictions. The Prague Monitor points out that the benefit is that everything will be more expensive: “The binding directive is advantageous because it will bar suspiciously cheap and low-quality products from China, where there is no guarantee, from entering the market“. Yes, like a twist on the Marks & Spencer slogan: it’s not just cheap – it’s suspiciously cheap!

The Labour Party in Wales tried to force through measures to ban vapers from doing something relatively harmless to others anywhere they could be seen. Like we were all sucking on a portable breast in public, puritanical health experts and politicians wanted to lock us away in special toilets. Well, maybe not toilets. Maybe a restructured dungeon in Harlech castle. Or something.

To what extent is it our fault that people began to try to shut us away and take away our toys? Were we too young and beautiful, did we make Martin McKee gaze into his mirror and gently weep? Were we simply shining too brightly?

Or was it the people who thought it was perfectly acceptable to go around vaping in supermarkets? Standing next to the meat counter, asking for *half a pound of brisket, and exhaling a menthol cherry cloud? *(For those still struggling with imperial-metric measures, half a pound equals 0.76 litres)

Does vaping etiquette even matter any longer? For a while it was one of the great debating points on ecig forums – but since the advent of the “We get it, you vape Bro!” memes it’s like we are as cool as Piers Morgan at an Under-18s disco.

So, as we look to the future, if vaping poses 95% less risk than that delivered by cigarette smoking, then the danger posed by second-hand vape is less than the chance of, err, Piers Morgan (again, it’s an open goal) being liked by anybody. But, even if we escape a clampdown on public places we still have venues to contend with. Individual places still restrict vaping for no other reason than it looks like smoking. Vaping will be banned in areas surrounding Japan 2020:”The Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry is considering measures against passive smoking for the 2020 Tokyo Olympic and Paralympic Games. The International Olympic Committee and the World Health Organization agreed in 2010 to realize ‘tobacco-free Games’.”

So, maybe a better question than where do you do it is where will you still be able to vape yours?

 

 

The thing is: words change. Meanings, over the course of time, ebb and flow. One minute the words ‘bollocks’ describes a group of medieval vicars, the next it’s on the cover of a young beat combo’s LP. What? You don’t know what an LP is? What do they teach people at school these days? All flower arrangements and how to ask how everybody is feeling today, I suspect.

Then, the word goes on to mean everything that awesome. For example: “This car/nailgun/crack pipe is the bollocks!” *You can now study for a degree in swearing, this is true, that’s how far education has fallen. Which all may be a bit off topic, but don’t worry about it because we are on a journey in the new Vauxhall Bollox and will be arriving at our destination in approximately five more paragraphs.

Some will recall the advert that included a sexy lady vaping as though she was giving a man oral pleasure. It sent shivers through the establishment. Once upon a time they’d never be able to shut up about the Romany bint (with a field and her paints, suggesting we feint at her beauty). Heavens to Betsey, they hollered, and threw their hands to the sky, while The Telegraph described it as “sexy as watching someone gutting fish“.

But, faster than you can say “You see an awful lot of sideboob in shower adverts these days“, the paradigm has well and truly shifted – and thanks for that has to go to the daughters and sons of Henry Ford.

In the 1990s Dennis Hopper was in-demand cool. Once, at the centre of youth culture, he was a cult figure. Then he went through a period of wearing corduroy jumpers and dancing badly at parties. Then he became a symbol of rugged desire once more. He was the perfect face for the Ford Cougar advertising campaign, a car named after a wild animal capable of ripping your face off.

Hopper was great, the Ford Cougar was great, and every single thing was great. But the Millennium loomed and the Millennium was set to ruin everything.  It gave us The Backstreet Boys and bastardised the lovely word cougar. Now cougar means a middle-aged lady – who is capable of ripping your face off.

For sex.

And in Ford’s latest advert they play on that association. The sexy sex-crazed voiceover of a sexy lady asks other middle-aged sexy ladies how much they like sexy sex. Oh, for sure, they spell it Kuga (and make no mention of sex) but it’s still all about the moist, throbbing sex.

So, there we have it: the way ahead is clear as Britain moves from 70’s smutty innuendo to full-on sex references in advertising. Come on eliquid manufacturers: where is Fani juice? Now we can all own Mantool’s Rodâ„¢, the mod you want in your hand all of the day. There may be limits to this, we would advise against The Subohm Pederast atomiser. That wouldn’t be funny at all.