Monthly Archives: December 2016

 

Equipment is going to get smaller. Do you remember how little 2ml is? It’s tiny and, as men everywhere know, trying to convince someone they’ll be satisfied with a small portion is a non-starter. Heck, when was the last time a fast-food employee asked you if you fancied “going small”?

It’s going to get smaller, more expensive and then vanish – because that’s what happens to small things. Keys, loose change and children under 3yrs-old are all prone to being misplaced. The answer is simple: buy a Stealthvape lathe. We absolutely guarantee that anybody proficient in making their own coil or rewicking already has the full skillset required to manufacture their own mods and atomisers. Honest.

Not only will you have the option to manufacture all of your own kit in your spare bedroom but also you will no longer be stuck with dull materials like steel or brass. We will be stocking Stealthvape Gold bars, Stealthvape Tin and Stealthvape Platinum. Plus, for those with a sense of fun and adventure, we will be stocking Stealthvape Rubidium (excellent entertainment at pool parties) and Stealthvape Uranium (never lose a mod in the dark again).

We have also looked around at types of wire that have no connection to vaping. When the thought police start raiding homes searching for vapers hoarding reels of Ti wire we figured it would be a great idea to begin using something more commonplace – so say hello to Stealthvape Barbwire.

Stealthvape Barbwire is just as good as any other vaping wire on the market but can also be used to security proof your back garden or pen in a load of sheep (something many of our customers have told us they have a problem with). An excellent flavour production is enhanced by the Barbcoil™ ability to retain a wick and prevent it slipping out.

And what about those wicks? We all know that the government plans to ban all forms of cotton wool just to annoy us, well we’ve come up with a true game changer: the Stealthvape Perforated Duvet. It looks just like a normal duvet because it is a normal duvet – but the perforations enable you to tear off handy pieces to be inserted into your atomiser. No need to thank us, we spend all of our free time coming up with ideas like this just to help you.

What about juice? Simple, we’ve created the Stealthvape Natural Eliquid Company branded blender. The average person in the street will think it’s just a normal blender, but it isn’t. It’s a normal blender to be used to turn any food into an eliquid. You won’t have to worry about flavourings passing some kind of pointless certification because you just need to throw in a full Domino’s 12” and add your own nicotine. Mmm, pizza juice. Where does the nicotine come from? Easy, from the new Stealthvape Hydroponic kit. Simply turn that space in the attic (where you currently store old video recorder instruction manuals) into a tobacco farm.

Some might call us mad – but we’re just mad for solutions.

 

 

But protests, he loved protests.

Only yesterday: the two all beef patties, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onion – all served in a sesame seed bun had been served up with a particularly small portion of French fries. It took just 117 seconds for him to eat most of them before returning to the cash till in order to lodge his disapproval.

“They were cold,” he barked at the part-time student, who cared as much for his dilemma as she did for football. Far too many people don’t like football. She stared at him with the dead eyes of someone who doesn’t get paid enough to care. Not only that, thought Ashia, but he hasn’t even finished his sentence. I don’t have a clue is this is a statement or a question – let alone knowing what he wants me to do about it.

That didn’t concern Bob now; yesterday’s problem had been solved by the (yet-to-begin-shaving) manager with a free portion of fries. What concerned him was that his juice was expensive. The thing is, Bob reasoned, is that if he had the recipe, the flavourings, the bottles and anything approaching the motivation to do it, he could make the same thing for a fraction of the price. “The thing is,” he explained in Primark as his wife looked at her seventh skirt, “just because these makers spend months developing a unique flavour they reckon they can charge me a fortune.”

“Just because they invest tens of thousands of pounds in premises, insurance, equipment, stock, packaging and delivery they think I should have to pay for it – it’s not right,” he continued to the empty space that used to contain a wife and an armful of garments.

Jane and Bob shared many things but listening to each other wasn’t one of them. They coexisted in a special plane, each aware of the presence of the other – but they’d taught themselves a long time ago that the secret to a successful marriage was to pay absolutely no attention to what the other was saying, thinking or doing.

And as Bob continued talking to the curtain in front of the changing cubicle he decided enough was enough. These vape companies deserved everything coming to them and, mindful of the supporters’ protest on television foremost in his mind, he knew just what to do.

Jane didn’t even know he had gone. She’d paid for two tops, had a coffee in Costa and was currently looking at a range of bath products you ought to be able to eat. Bob wasn’t there. Bob had seen the big walkout by Liverpool fans. Bob was inspired.

Jamie touched his left ear, fidgeting with the black plastic stretching his ear lobe. Jamie was poking the ear stretcher his Mum liked to call stupid. She used other words to describe it but most of them are not printable here. Jamie had taught himself a long time ago that the secret to a successful home life was to pay absolutely no attention to what his Mum was said, thought or did. He’d worked in the vape shop for all of three weeks and he didn’t get paid enough to care about Bob’s protest.

• Step one: The fans had bought their tickets – so Bob bought a bottle of his favourite juice.
• Step two: The fans had walked out of the stadium in protest – so Bob left the shop.
• Step three: The club had capitulated after the demonstration was shown on television – Bob went home to wait for the phone call.

But Bob couldn’t check the television coverage of his protest because Jane was watching a sweary chef. Bob is still waiting for the juice manufacturer to call.