Monthly Archives: January 2016

Firstly, and we gave this no second thought, we are now refusing to accept the new £5 note. Every time a payment is now made via card or through PayPal we write to them to ensure only normal money is being paid into our account. We are now spending half a day a week going to the bank to look inside our account to make certain that no fivers have slipped through the net.

While we believe the nearest thing to heaven is a bacon sandwich (or a Porterhouse and chips when hungry), we do understand the objections of money being made out of them. Actually, we don’t. Most of the objections skipped us by, but we are pretty certain they have something to do with there being less bacon and steak about – a pretty horrific scenario we’re sure you agree.

Also, it’s not certain that anyone had thought about what would happen if a note was dropped in a field and eaten by a cow. That would make it a double cow and therefore make burgers cost more. The Royal Mint has really dropped the ball on this one. Maybe.

This isn’t a first, we have been at the cutting edge of animal rights within vaping – we just didn’t like to talk about it. Last year, Stealthvape became the very first vape accessory company to certify that none of our kanthal type wire was manufactured using the whiskers of ocelots. None of our competitors offer you that guarantee and, we think, that says quite a lot.

It is progressive, sensitive policies like this that spurred us on to appraise our other products like the wick materials. None of the cotton is tested on puppies. Anymore. True, we used to put loads of cotton wool balls into a room and release baskets of puppies to romp about, but we were never really sure why. It was very cute though. But as sweet and loveable as the situation was, we are a company for the 21^st Century and recognise that this has no part to play in modern vaping.

Unlike other companies (who we will not name), we do not force our goldfish to eat DNA chips. It’s a barbaric practise, wholly unjustifiable, and one that we haven’t nor never will partake in. We call on these other companies (again, the law prevents us but you know who) ‘stop harming the goldfish’.

You can always rely on Stealthvape. All products guaranteed not to contain or be tested on *cute animals.

*Animals that aren’t cute may be fair game though, but we’re going to wait to find out which direction the Internet flaming-torch mob are heading first.

It is obvious that there’s something special about these places, where else would someone pay over ten pounds for a lump of chocolate shaped like a piece of pipe fitting? We aim to guarantee traditional festive fun and products are more affordable prices – no more weekly shopping bill on some (not very traditional) out of season strawberries on a stick.

What can you all expect from The Stealthvape Festive British Market? Fun. Fun with a capital letter. Big fat entertainment fun featuring a bloke who got kicked off 2009’s Britain’s Got Talent in the first week. Then, just as you think it can’t get any better, there’s that woman who used to be in an all-girl band in 1996 that got to 52 in the charts. Pretty amazing stuff, yeh? It doesn’t end there as we welcome an Elvis impersonator, always popular with the hip young people who know where it’s at. Finally, we close off the night’s enjoyment with a carol sing-along to the accompaniment of Graham, the alcoholic one-armed church organist.

Of course, all of this excitement is going to build up a mighty appetite. Our culinary area focuses on all that is brilliant about British food: kebabs, curry, burgers, hot dogs, jacket potato, cheesy chips, and pie-peas and gravy. That doesn’t sound very festive, you might say? Well worry not, we’ve got that covered as we’re getting into the spirit of it by adding ‘worst‘ to the end of each word. So, roll up and get your traditional kebabworst or snack down on some spectacular cheesychipworsts. Nothing says Stealthvape being totally British and totally December in a cold market than a plate of jacket potatoworst.

Have we forgotten about drink? Not a hope. Super strength lager might be consumed throughout the year but it’s during the cold months that drinkers appreciate its warming properties. At The Stealthvape Festive British Market, you can buy super strength lager in extra large tins. There is also the full range of artificially coloured alcopops and shelves groaning under the weight of pints of Baileys. What we really recommend though is a massive mug of winter Gluetteawein – it’s a traditional mug of warming winter tea combined with the great taste of Buckfast tonic wine and glue.

The only thing left to take care of is shopping for present for those you hold dear. Our crafts area caters to all desires. What self-respecting Brit doesn’t dream of getting involved with a Health & Safety gone mad claims-culture lawsuit? Give them a bag of our chocolate-covered wire clippings. And why buy an expensive wooden toy when every passport-carrying member of these isles loves to DIY. Johnny Foreigner might think you’re carrying a bag of fire kindling, but we know it’s a dollhouse or racing car. Kiss Me Quick hats with the word Santa added in Tippex? Snow globes built down to a price using condoms and ice cubes? You can find the lot at the totally traditional Stealthvape Festive British Market. *Products may be made in China

You will find questions relating directly to past smoking history, health as well as vaping – but all replies are totally anonymous. We will not be tracking any submission, the page is encrypted and we will not ask for any personal identifiers.

You can access the survey by clicking on the image above, following link here or cutting and pasting it into a browser: https://kwiksurveys.com/s/qqxBYm0U

Thanks in advance for taking the time to complete and share it.