Monthly Archives: December 2015

It can’t be easy quitting smoking and coming into vaping now. A few years ago there were only a handful of enthusiasts sharing tips to improve the performance of the archaic atomisers and next to no juice makers. The only real choice was which starter kit to buy – and even then they were all pretty much alike.

But times have changed. In place of Enfield we now burst our ribcages with hilarity at the stunningly subtle humour of Keith Lemon. The range of mods, atomisers and juices for noobs is bewildering. So many options, where on Earth can the prospective vaper turn?

Fortunately we are now awash with experts. It doesn’t matter if you’ve only been vaping for a few weeks just as long as you’ve watched an out of focus person mumbling on YouTube. We are now all doyens of the vape.

Actually, thinking about it, Doyens of the Vape would be an excellent name for a band. A bit gothy with a propensity for over-dramatizing their songs I grant you, but still a decent name. I’ve suffered from this ailment for a long time now – ever since first being in a band as a teenager. The days when five of us would spend all of our time with three halves in a pub trying to think of a name we could all agree on. I’ve classified things into good and bad band names every day for decades. You know, just in case I form another band “because it’ll save time”. I currently have 3,192 potential names ready for debate. Well, 3193 now with Doyens of the Vape.

The Atomisers, there’s another one. More punky but with a hint of modernity. We’d dress smartish but not wear ties. Or we would wear ties but they could be at a jaunty angle to express our individuality and contempt for The System. I’m not referring to The Man’s system (that oppresses us all) but The System, the 1980’s synth-pop who oppressed our ears. 1802: where and when the phrase “Smash The System” came from.

I received a something this morning from one of the latest hyped-to-death-on-a-forum people. It’s deeply unpleasant. Not as disagreeable as Keith Lemon or The System but displeasing all the same. This was all because a bunch of self-appointed experts told me what I ought to be vaping and like the intellectually challenged puppy I am I did their bidding.

Don’t do that, dear new vaper reading this. Don’t follow people’s advice; plough your own furrow, make your own mistakes and live your own #vapelife. And don’t call your next band The Self Appointed Experts. And don’t do what people tell you to do. Except for this. Because me and my friends know what we’re talking about as “we’ve been the Doyens of the Vape, goodnight!” See? It really works doesn’t it? I’m betting you’re already waving a lighter in the air.

Vapemail is all well and good, but the excitement can quickly fade when things go wrong. What seems like the greatest thing you’ve ever owned can suddenly transform into an object to be beaten with when the receipt is discovered in a wallet. When that thing is a great big DNA40 box it’s a scary scenario.

And that juice everyone raves about? What’s going on with their taste buds? I know I should just buy new juice in 10mls but I’ve got used to buying me-sized bottles these days. What do you do with me-sized bottles full of stuff that vapes like the extract of stale socks?

And what about that atomiser that seemed to be such a great idea until you bought it? Up to the moment you discovered the non-adjustable pin doesn’t make a connection. The realisation that it isn’t going to be plain sailing amplified by it’s almost sentient ability to know that this would be the best moment to dump the contents of the tank over the keyboard.

Thankfully we are vapers – and vapers seem to love nothing more than sticking their noses into other people’s business, laughing at my misfortunes but then, eventually (once they’ve mopped away the tears), offering sound words of advice to rectify the issues.

Here is the week that was, none of which Michael Fish managed to predict and warn me of!